Humor in Fiction

I need to start this with a disclaimer. I have no formal exposure to creative writing nor can I claim to be any expert in the various forms of writing fictional humor. All that I know of writing, including humor, comes only out of the reading I have done. So, it is quite likely that the names I give for the forms of humor that I explain here may not be the names given by the creative writing professionals. It is also likely that the list may prove to be less than comprehensive.

The order in which I present the various forms of humor writing is in the increasing order of difficulty for me. I make no claims that the ones that come first are easy for anyone to write nor do I intend saying that the order is in the increasing order of quality of humor. Ease of writing is more a question of the way one’s mind works and quality is a matter of taste. I shall use the exercise of writing the story of “Troy” humorously as well as the entries that have come in to explain what I mean by each of the terms I apply to the types of humor fiction.

The first type of humor is the spoof. A spoof is normally a caricature of an existing story or an existing genre. So, you can spoof a story like Troy or spoof a genre like detective fiction, as in the Pink Panther series. When an existing story is being spoofed, one can choose to stick only to the major highlights of the story while spoofing the characters and their actions. Jaish’s story is this version of a spoof which stays true to happening – like the abduction of Helen, death of Hector etc. – but spoofs the characters as well as the manner in which these things happened – as in Hector dying of Achilles’ body odor or Achilles being killed by a fly-swatter. When the spoof ventures into such a wild departure, it is also construed to be slapstick. Not that it is necessarily bad – Mel Brooks’ “History of the World” is a spoof of this sort and a phenomenal success of its times.

You can also spoof a story by introducing incongruities into the story. Rajrupa’s story belongs to this category when she introduces modern social media interactions into the story of Troy. Incongruities, in fact, form the backbone of Humor in my opinion. When the incongruity enters the storyline itself instead of only the narration, it qualifies as spoof.

What then would be an incongruous narration that is not a spoof. I will attempt an example of this for Troy.

“When Agammemnon took away Briseis from him, Achilles felt like a player who had won the match single-handed and had his Captain snatch the man-of-the-match award away from him. So, he decided to sit out the tournament. For the Greeks, Achilles was like Chris Gayle was to the RCB – so without him they were not confident about their prospects. It surprised them to have Paris challenge Menelaus for a duel – sort of super-over, you know. Paris challenging Menelaus was like the 11^th man challenging a top order batsman and the Greeks thought they would win. Midway, however, the Trojan big-hitter Hector came in and slaughtered Menelaus – literally. After all, it was a battle, dude, not just a cricket match.”

The narrative above is like a cricket-crazy guy telling the story of Troy to another person. Note that the incidents of the tale are not tampered with nor are the characters. The incongruity is only in the similes and metaphors used by the narrator to tell the story.

A variant would be to introduce incongruity in deriving fictional consequences from out of the events of the tale. For example

“When Agammemnon took away Briseis from Achilles after Achilles had single-handedly taken the beach of Troy, he lost his best man. He failed to understand the importance of giving incentives like ESOPS for retaining his best people in his company – huh – army. The other problem was that he had not realized that he could not have his soldiers suddenly striking for bonuses in the middle of the war and had failed to put in rules relating to mutiny. Both the corporate world and the military have learned a lot from the consequences of his behavior.”

We have seen that a spoof caricatures the entire story. One other narrative option is to caricature the people of the story. In a spoof, delineating the characters of the players has far lesser importance and is normally subordinated to the need to write spiffy lines. Both the narrative options of ‘incongruity’ above would require characters to be distinct. The caricature option that I will now explore actually depends upon characterization and exaggeration of a stand-out characteristic of the characters – much like a cartoon.

“Menelaus knew how to get a beautiful wife but not what to do with her. Paris knew what to do with other people’s beautiful wives. So, when Paris visited Menelaus along with his brother Hector, it was a harbinger of trouble. Things may still have been all right if only Paris had been as good at leaving women as he was at loving them. How bad he was at the former became apparent to him only when he set sail from Sparta and found that Helen had stuck like a limpet to him.”

One of the types of writing that is also considered humorous is the sort of fiction that has a lot of funny lines but an otherwise serious story and narrative tone. I consider this sort of writing more on the lines of a serious piece of fiction with a soupcon of humor rather than humorous fiction. Oscar Wilde’s “Picture of Dorian Grey” is a case in point as, perhaps, would be most of Bernard Shaw’s plays. Given the basic tragic nature of Troy, one would more often than not find this sort of writing when someone attempts humor in this story line.

One can consider ‘Black Humor’ as another version of the incongruity. The incongruity here is in seeing humor in what people would consider as despicable or tragic.

“Everyone has their hobbies. Achilles’ hobby was to lop off people’s heads poke sharp things into people’s guts and drag dead bodies behind his chariot to vary the monotony.”

The ‘Joke’ is yet another version of humor fiction. In this version, one depends on the punch-line at the end for the humor. I am not too good at this nor am I a votary of the ‘Joke’ as fiction. For one, the punch-line has to be both very good as well as unexpected for it to succeed. This, in effect, means that it is good for only one read since it shall not be unexpected the second time round and anything that is not interesting to read again does not count as great fiction. Also, the ‘Joke’ sort of fiction needs to be short – you cannot have too long a gap between the opening and the punch-line. Who has ever enjoyed a joke that took an hour to tell?

With an existing tragic story-line it is next to impossible to essay a good ‘Joke’ style of example. The following may be only seen as illustrative.

“That is the problem with Cassandra. I mean what can one make of a prophecy like “Troy will be destroyed by a woman with round heels, a man with weak heels and animal droppings”?”

……

The Greeks dropped out of the wooden horse in the dead of the night and rampaged all over Troy.

I suppose one can consider that Troy was destroyed by a pile of horse-shit”

The ‘woman with round heels’ is possibly archaic now – it used to mean a woman of loose morals.

All of the above are possible given the fact that one has an existing tragic story to be re-written humorously. The last type of humor fiction that I shall talk about can be written only when you are free to do the plotting yourself. It will take a creative genius on the lines of PG Wodehouse to adapt a story like Troy to write fiction where the conflict and the resolution are also laid out on humorous lines in addition to the narrative. In a way, if one could write a very humorous narrative of the “Joke” option above, it is possible that it may serve as this sort of fiction.

I hope I have successfully illustrated the types of humor even if I have not managed to make them humorous. The central idea in writing humor is to see incidents and people in an off-beat manner or from a kinky view-point. Once that is mastered all the rest is merely English!

The War of Troy

Author Name: Seema Gopalan

Author Intro: Well about me, my traits can be described in 3 words - possesive, steady and focussed. Like a true Taurean I simply want things to be get done which may be sometimes viewed as stubbornness. The good life in all it's guises appeals to me. Down to earth with a no-nonsense approach, saying what I mean with a very strong sense of values.I blog at My Endeavours

****

The legendary Trojan War as we know of it today would not have been fought if lover boy had not got his heart set on a married woman. Just not any married woman I tell you! Paris, prince of Troy fell head over heels in love with Helen, an extraordinarily beautiful woman, wife of Menelaus, the King of Sparta. Things would have still been in control, had he just gloated over her beauty and left on his way but no, the prick had the nerve to abduct her to the Land of Troy under the protection of big brother, Hector.

Paris on reaching Troy.

Paris: “Dad, Dad. Look what I have got from Greek.”

King Priam along with Hector overjoyed at his son’s return exclaims, did the Greeks finally agree to the truce with Troy. As he spoke his eyes fell on Helen who was standing beside Paris taking in the sights of the palace. “Whoa, what’s this?” he exclaimed

Paris slightly offended, Dad, This is Helen, wife of Menelaus. My love to her is ever true and we wish to be united forever in marriage.

On hearing this Hector groaned, you moron! This time you have really crossed the limit. Now we can never ever expect a truce between Troy and Greece.

Paris: Why do we have to worry bro. Menelaus will never attempt to attack the city of Troy. He knows it is impenetrable.

Hector still fuming: That’s true; our only worry is if he goes to his brother Agamemnon, that prick has been looking for a reason to attack us for years.

**************************************************

Agamemnon was in the arms of his maid when he was approached by Menelaus who was angered and ashamed at his wife’s abduction.

Ah, here comes my cuckolded brother exclaimed Agamemnon while the maid chuckled at his remark.

Don’t say that word bro; I have come to find some solace in your kingdom replied Menelaus in a pitiful voice.

“This is not the time for solace, let’s go and attack Troy and get your dear wife back. “ thundered Agamemnon

Nestor (Agamemnon’s general): You should take your two best men, one a strategist - Odysseus and the other a great warrior -- Achilles. Together you can attack the kingdom of Troy

Agamemnon: Phew, Achilles, he fights for himself than anyone else. Plus I cannot stand him for all his drama. However I trust your wisdom Nestor.

Immediately a messenger was sent out to summon Odysseus and Achilles. Achilles troops of Myrmidons were lazing away and were thrilled at the opportunity to visit Troy, they knew the so called battle would last for years and in the meantime they could polish their sword –fighting skills.

As they were leaving for Greek Patroculus came running to Achilles and requested he be taken along.

“Stay here and take care of Mom and Aunty, dear Cousin Patroculus” answered Achilles

“Take me with you; I want to visit the beautiful city of Troy. Moreover we look so similar that if things get too burdened on you we can swap places”

This statement brought a glint of joy in Achilles eyes and he immediately thought of ways to idle away his time. However Achilles wanted to demonstrate the new techniques of sword fighting to his troops and so immediately on landing in Troy he killed many Trojans and desecrated the temple of Apollo. He then claimed Briseis the virgin priestess of Apollo as his war prize.

Now that he had the fair maiden by his side he intended to spend all his time with her in the tent and gave his armor and shield to Patroculus who could disguise as him and overlook his troops.

Having a weakness for women himself Agamemnon took Briseis from Achilles for himself. This angered Achilles who sulked like a kid whose precious candy was taken from him and refused to fight anymore. This pleased his troops enormously who were tired and needed some rest.

**********************************************************

Helen: Paris, baby! Nothing is happening here, I am so bored with no one fighting.

Paris: Oh dear! Would you like to see me and Menelaus fight a duel for you.

Helen: Oh! That would be lovely, Can you arrange that?

Paris immediately sends a word to Menelaus and challenges him to a hand to hand combat. He also sets out to have a talk with his brother Hector.

Paris: Bro! The signal for you to kill Menelaus is when I fall on your feet during the combat.

Hector: No man! Fight your own fights; I am not going to be there every time.

Paris: Oh come on bro! You already knew of this when I bunked the hand to hand combat lessons to visit my girl-friend. Don’t give up on me now!

Having thus pre-decided when Pairs is injured during the combat Hector intervenes and kills Menelaus.

Hector (to Priam): Dad, Menelaus is dead and I hear that Achilles is again sulking and has refused to fight. This is the time to launch a surprise attack on the Greek encampment.

Having got his father’s permission Hector and his Trojan troops attack the unsuspecting Greeks.

Patroculus: Achilles! Get your lazy Azzzz up, the Trojans have attacked and it’s time for us to reiterate back. Agamemnon has given his orders to fight.

Achilles: Whoa! Who is he to order me? I shall lay her on my bed and think about my dear Briseis.

Patroculus thinking to himself,”Uff, cousin has surely lost his marbles this time, but wait he has already given me his armor and sword, I can go in his place leading his troops. This should be fun”

Having thus decided Patroculus led the Myrmidons to the fight. He came face to face with Hector who unfortunately turned to be a better fighter than him and poor Patroculus was slained.

Eudorus: Achilles, wake up! Hector has just killed Patroculus.

Achilles awaking from his deep slumber: “Oh Lord”, he groaned, “How did that happen’

Eudorus: He was leading the army and Hector mistook him for you and killed him.

Achilles: Is Hector blind? Mistook him for me indeed!

Eudorus: Well one cannot blame Hector really. [about Patroclus] He wore your armor. Your sheild, your greaves, your helmet. He even moved like you.

Achilles: Oh! That foolish copycat. He has really crossed the limits this time. What do I say to mom and Aunty? I was only supposed to take him for some sightseeing to Troy.

Eudorus: You can avenge his death by killing Hector. That would satisfy your folks.

Achilles getting excited at the idea: You know what Eudorus that is not a bad idea! And I am getting hand sores without using my sword. I shall go tomorrow to the gates of Troy and challenge Hector to a duel.

The duel appears evenly matched but Hector is ultimately slain and is dragged from the back of Achilles chariot shocking the Trojans.

That night King Priam sneaks into the Greek camp and asks Achilles to return Hector's body. Achilles grants his request, swearing a truce for them to mourn, and lets Briseis return with Priam

Agamemnon to Odysseus on hearing Patroculus and Hector’s death: That boy must have just saved the war for us. This is a perfect time to attack Troy. All the soldiers are mourning Prince Hector’s death,

Odysseus: We cannot breach their walls. If we keep fighting we will lose more of our soldiers.

Agamemnon (now impatient): Oh come on old boy! There must be a trick or two up your sleeve. Devise an ingenious plan for us.

Odysseus is left deep in thought.

The next morning as the Trojans woke up for their morning coffee they saw a big wooden horse left outside their gates. The Greeks were nowhere in sight. A message was immediately send to king Priam.

Priam: Wow, A wooden horse. This must definitely be a gift from Poseidon. He knows I can no longer ride horses and so he must have sent a wooden one for me.

Paris: Dad, burn the horse. We can have a bonfire, do some grilling and I can show some of my latest dance moves to Helen.

Priam: A celebration that sounds fun! But I do not want to burn the horse. I am sure Poseidon wanted me to sit on it and watch my entire city from here.

On King Priam’s orders the wooden horse is brought inside. At night when the whole of Troy is asleep Achilles, Odysseus and a small group of Greek soldiers well hidden in the wooden horse comes out and open the gates of the royal palace for the Greek army. The Greek army is ecstatic on entering the city of Troy for the first time and go on a wild rampage spree.

Achilles: Briseis, Briseis where are you?

Paris (on hearing Achilles voice): Achilles, there you are. I promised Dad I would avenge brother’s death. I have to strike at you with my new bow and arrow.

Achilles: Ha ha, really you are going to kill me, don’t you know I am immortal.

Paris (now pleading): Pleaseeeeeeeeee

Achilles: Okay go ahead! I’ll give you 3 tries after which I am away from here.

Paris steadies his bow and arrow with his clumsy hands and takes aim at Achilles chest.

Achilles: Ouch, my heel. You fool! Of all the places you had to aim at the only vulnerable spot on my body.

Paris seeing Achilles vulnerable gains confidence and strikes more arrows all over Achilles body thus killing him.

The Trojan Horse and the Great Loss

Author Introduction:

I am Jayashree Srivatsan a.k.a jaishvats and I blog at http://jaishwrites.blogspot.com

I am an Indian currently residing in Singapore.I have always been passionate about creative writing. I started blogging in 2010. I have made a lot of online friends through this medium and that definitely is a huge motivation factor.I aspire publishing my work of fiction in print someday.

Story Title: The Trojan Horse and the Great Loss

Story:

What follows is a story with a lot of names that would require you to perform some gymnastic acts with your tongue to get them right. So for now, let’s ignore my name.

Being a soldier in the Spartan army, my duty usually ended up being on guard outside various royal chambers – those occupied by the guests, princes, princesses, monarchs, their mistresses and so on and so forth. It was not easy to stand in the same position, without any expression on your face, in that horrendous armour and ridiculous suffocating headgear, but it had its own benefits. No one in the royal clan found it necessary to speak in hushed tones when discussing important matters. Even in such instances they would not abstain from displaying their genetic trait of bellowing like an elephant with a gastric problem. How would gossip not spread?

I knew Paris had all the makings of a trouble-maker, the moment he landed in Sparta with his brother Hector from Troy. Who else would offer king Menelaus, a donkey’s brain soup as a gift, no matter how famous it is in Troy? Menelaus was shamelessly gorging on it anyways as if famine had stuck Sparta.

He only came to his senses when he found Helen, his wife missing. It was the day, the Trojan princes departed! No one in Sparta ever fathomed what he had found attractive in her, despite the squint that she had and the snorts that she let out every now and then. When Paris smuggled her out, the question became all the more baffling. “I would say good riddance”, one of my comrades had commented. Menelaus looked terribly comical almost like a raging rhino when angered but none of us dared to even smile. He stormed out into the palace corridors, tripped over a carpet, fell flat on his face and broke his nose. When Agamemnon the king of Mycenae and his brother, saw him with the plaster around his head, he burst out laughing. “I warned you” he giggled “Your poetry is absolutely beyond tolerance. I asked you not to recite those awful lines to her. Who do you think you are, Homer? I knew she would flee if you continued to regurgitate all that non sense to her in the name of romance.”

I am not very sure what instigated Agamemnon (I did warn you about the names) to attack Troy. He did not seem to give much importance to Menelaus and his stolen wife. Someone told me, he wanted uninterrupted supply of donkey’s brain soup that was very expensive in other parts of Greece. Eventually he prepared his army to launch an attack on Troy.

The next day Achilles and his cousin Patroclus landed at Agamemnon’s door to join him in his quest. Apparently Achilles had gone to his mother for advice. As part of an experiment to invent a new beauty potion, she had consumed some drink made out of shellfish which had pushed her quite far away from sobriety. In an attempt to say “Good Day”, she kept repeating “Go Die” and Achilles took it to his heart.

I had heard many rumors about certain strange obsessions that Achilles possessed ranging from tooth picks to swords and daggers. I became quite convinced of the truth in them when the Greek army attacked and desecrated the temple of Apollo. Briseis, a member of the Trojan royal family was breathtakingly beautiful. I really have no idea why of all the things he whisked off her washroom slippers. She in turn seemed to have the same brain impairment. Charging like a grizzly bear, she followed the returning Greek men to retrieve her washroom sandals and ended up being captured. Achilles had started wailing like a child whose lollipop had been snatched, when he heard that they had taken her to Agamemnon. He was quite a sight sitting in his tent in his spiky armour and blowing his nose and sniffling. There was one thing about Briseis that no one in the Greek camp knew and proved really really costly. Her voice that resembled a symphony of a thousand peacocks. When she was presented before Agamemnon, she let out such a piercing cry, the tables and chairs started cracking and the chandeliers started falling. Agamemnon became immediately prepared to entrust her to Achilles. After all, his heel was the only sensitive part in his body, not his ears.

While the Greek camp was trying to save itself from the fury of Briseis’s voice, Paris challenged Menelaus to a duel. The only act of valour he had committed until then was the throwing of the fly that had fallen into his donkey’s brain soup. All of us were baffled what gave him the courage and motivation to fight our raging rhino. Helen? Nah! Not with that sort of squint! Anyways, if love can be blind, it can be squint too. Actually, he only had to do a little bit of research to win in the fight. Menelaus had a major weakness. If one slightly touched him on his left hip, it tickled him so much that he would drop his weapons and roll on the ground laughing. Paris was not aware of this. How intelligent would someone be if he drank only donkey’s brain soup all his life? He was squashed by Menelaus like a mosquito on his thigh. Hector somehow had come to know of these facts and rushed to his brother’s rescue. Menelaus was also pea brained in some aspects. Having such a weakness would anyone wear armour with an opening at the exact spot in the name of fashion? Slaying him became a piece of cake for Hector and that’s what finally happened.

That night as I stood guarding Achilles’s tent I heard sweet nothings from inside. The Greek soldiers had been falling into a coma one by one on hearing Briseis’s cries. In an attempt to save his men, he had pulled her inside and the pair had grown fond of each other. Well if love can be blind and squint, it can be deaf as well I suppose.

At day break, I was trying to stop my drooping eyelids from closing when I saw a battalion leaving towards the walls of Troy. At the lead was someone who looked a little like Achilles. “I wonder who that is.” I told my companion on guard. “Can’t you see that pot belly in front? That’s his cousin Patroclus” he giggled. One of the most distinguishing features of Patroclus was a paunch that resembled the biggest of our Grecian urns. I must say he had done quite a good attempt at the disguise. Unfortunately he should have remembered that he was going to fight Hector one of Troy’s greatest warriors. With his paunch hanging like an oversized necklace in front of his body, running was totally out of question for Patroclus if required. It did not come as a surprise to me when I heard that he had met his end at Hector’s hands. I was also told that poor Hector had lost two of his swords while trying to insert them in Patroclus’s stomach. They had become bent and useless. Finally he had managed to slit the latter’s throat.

On seeing Patrochlus’s corpse Achilles was reacting like a mad wild wart hog. He had entrusted Briseis’s washroom slippers with him, and now that he was no more, there was no way for him to figure out where it was hidden.

“Do you have any idea how much those slippers meant to me?” Achilles thundered at Hector outside the Trojan fort. “Nothing fit my feet so perfectly ever before” he growled and kicked his leg in the air bringing his feet close to Hector’s face. While the spectators gasped in absolute disbelief and horror, Hector collapsed like a landslide and fell on the ground, dead. In order to safeguard his own life, Achilles had never washed his feet ever since his mother dipped him as an infant in the river Styx. The obnoxious odours proved fatal to poor Hector who was totally unprepared and defenceless in front of it. To avoid embarrassment, Achilles screamed out loud and diverted attention by tying Hector to his chariot and dragging him along.

Priam the Trojan king came that night to get back Hector’s body from the Greek camp. Achilles grabbed the opportunity to send Briseis away as well. His ears had won the battle with his heart. They were tired of bleeding everyday listening to the earth shattering outputs from her vocal chords.

After all this, many in the Greek camp felt it was best to just return to Sparta. But Agamemnon was adamant about the donkey’s brain soup. All the generals started racking their brains for ideas to defeat Troy. That’s when Odysseus came up with the idea of the Trojan horse.

Where do these men get all these ideas from, I don’t know. The plan was to make a huge horse statue and all of us were to hide inside it. It was poor soldiers down the order like me executing such ingenious plans. By the time we ended up finishing that horse we were all exhausted. Like all customers the world has ever known, Odysseus and his peers kept changing the demand and the design every few hours. Finally when they grew tired of redesigning we ended up bringing the horse to a shape. It did look like a cross between a bison and a giraffe but we nevertheless called it a horse.

We all somehow managed to get inside the horse and seal it from inside. A general in the close circles of Odysseus banged his head on an iron rod while climbing in. The blow ended up upsetting his mental wiring. Throughout our stay inside the horse, he kept singing “Horsey, horsey, Trojan horsey…You look like a buffalo but you are a Horsey”. It was pitch dark and stifling hot inside and there was no option of silencing him either. “Briseis was heaven compared to this” many of them murmured. Some started sobbing uncontrollably unable to tolerate the ranting. Some found it musical and joined to sing along as well. It was pandemonium.

As planned, the Trojans dragged the horse within the walls of Troy. In the wee hours of the morning we opened the secret door and stepped out. After crouching for a long time inside that ludicrous horse most of us had sprained backs and sore legs. The incessant chorus of ‘Horsey Horsey’ had also driven some of my comrades to their wits end. The Trojans on the other hand were scattered in a myriad of postures around us in a totally inebriated state. Imagine what would ensue if a battle happens between a bunch of totally drunk soldiers and a bunch of partially insane ones. I had no more energy left in me and did what I considered best. I stealthily managed to sneak into one of the royal chambers and hid myself in a huge chest.

The earth was relieved of quite a few souls that night. Glaucus, Priam and Agamemnon to name a few. While I was waiting inside the chest I heard some noises outside. When there is a choice between saving one’s life and curiosity the latter always takes precedence. I lifted the chest lid inconspicuously and peaked out. Andromache, Hector’s wife was standing in front of a huge mirror her arms spread out flanked by Helen, Paris and Briseis.

“This is where the secret passage his. Hector had shown it to me. We should be able to get away safely.” The others nodded. “Hector Hector Abracadabra” she yelled. Nothing happened. “Wrong Password!” she muttered under her breath. “Hector Open Sesame” she tried again. No reaction again. “Let me try” Paris offered. He took a deep breath and screamed “Donkey Brain Soup”. The mirror did not budge. They all turned and looked at Briseis who nonchalantly responded “Alright” and stood before the mirror. I knew what was about to come and pressed my hands close to my ears with as much force as I could muster. She let out her quintessential scream and the mirror burst open revealing a passage behind.

Andromache went in first followed by Helen and Briseis. “Wow! Look what we have here” a voice was heard. Achilles came charging in brandishing a menacing sword. Paris stood in front of him, took aim with his bow and arrow and fired. The arrow managed to travel two feet. Huffing and puffing like a bull, he fired another ten arrows while Achilles stood with his arms folded and grinning. Not one managed to brush even a hair on his body. That’s when Paris’s eyes grew wide and his face developed an unprecedented expression. He had spotted him! His arch enemy! A fly that buzzed around and landed on Achilles’s heel! Ever since one had fallen into his donkey’s brain soup he had developed a blood thirty vengeance against their entire clan. Before Achilles realized what was occurring he snatched a fly swatter nearby and brought it down with a vehement force. Achilles let out a cry like a yelping dog and fell flat on his face. The Greek soldiers found Achilles the next day with a single fly swatter on his heel.

The saddest part of the story is all the men and women who knew the secret recipe of the donkey’s brain soup perished in the war and the delicacy was lost forever to the world.

The Tale of Troy (Oh Boy!)

Author Introduction: I'm a writer. That's who I am first. What I am otherwise is not really important! Mostly I write poems, but love to dab in fiction as well. You can find my occasional works at my blog "I Rhyme Without Reason".

Story:

 Prince Hector’s ship, somewhere on the Aegian Sea 

 “Haaaaaaaallllllp! Menu, my darling, come to my rescue; these brutes are taking me away!”

 Good lord! What a shriek! Wonder what Paris sees in her that he wants to kidnap this damsel and put us in distress. For sure now, the peace talks are over. And didn’t he tell she was in love with him too? Then why all the drama? I swear on Poseidon, I pity that fool Menelaus for marrying her and getting called Menu. “Helen, what the hell? You’re coming voluntarily. Stop calling for help!”

 My brother Paris is a dolt. A thousand beautiful women in Troy and he goes and falls in love with a Greek Pandora. If only she’d stop opening her box so often, we have half a chance of getting away! “Where’s the fun in leaving without a chase, Parry? We must sail away from flying arrows and angry shouts! Now THAT would be romantic!”

 Yes yes! Absolutely. Soon, they can have their honeymoon at the bottom of the Scamander. And THAT would really be romantic. Stupid dame, shut up. Stupid Paris, nodding his head and agreeing with her every word. I’m glad Andromache is sensible. I’d hate to be married if my wife was a chatterbox like this Greek! “What the! Helen, now look what you’ve done? You got your wish anyways, that’s the first arrow. Thankfully it might be the only one. We’re nearly out of range!”

 Yeah. I’m sure Menelaus would say good riddance to his wife without a fight and hand her over to you, Paris. The winds are favorable, we ought to make good time and reach Troy soon. Thankfully, that’ll give us time to get ready for the Greek army. Agamemnon would love to use this as an excuse to attack us I’m sure. I can’t wait to get Paris alone. I really must thank him properly for his efforts to bring peace.

 ********** 

 Mycenae, Greece The Courtroom of King Agamemnon

 “Aggy! Aggy! They’ve kidnapped Helen. You must help me! You’re my only hope!”

 Huh? Who kidnapped whom? I’m King of Greece, for cryin-out-loud! I want to rest for awhile without people rushing in asking me to solve kidnap cases! Oh… it’s him again. Worthless brother of mine, why can’t you go rescue your own wife? Wait. Never mind. You’re worthless. Got it!

 “Why are you silent? Paris and his brother have apprehended the Queen of Sparta! You’re my brother, the King of Greece and Mycenae! Help me!”

 Paris and his brother? Hector? Oh what joy! The Trojans did it! Hallelujah! I solved the case! Hold on, this gives me a reason to attack Troy. I can conquer that fortress and etch my name in history! All thanks to that motormouth wife of my good-for-nothing brother!

 “The Trojans kidnapped Helen? Why didn’t you say so in the first place? Have no fear brother, we’ll make haste and head for Troy immediately.”

 “But your Majesty, there is no wind at all now. They’ve stopped blowing since two nights ago. Our warships won’t be able to sail two feet, let alone all the way to Troy. And if we’re going to fight, we must have Achilles on our side. Then we’re as good as invincible.”

Nestor’s a smart one, I agree, but sometimes he becomes an obstacle too. Now what to do? “Never mind, Nestor, I’ll find a way for the winds. You and Menelaus get the ships ready. And get Odysseus to convince Achilles and the Myrmidons to fight on our side.”

 ********** 

Ithaca, Greece The Courtroom of King Odysseus 

 “Greetings, you royal stooge Oddy! Heard you had an offer for me?” God! I know he’s one of the best warriors in Greece, but must he make me, his friend, turn red in front of my courtiers? That’s the limit. 

“Achilles my friend, so glad you came. I’ve been asked, by King Agamemnon himself, to ask you to join the battle against the Trojans. You and your Myrdimons can help us and forever be remembered in history as the one who conquered Troy, the fortress made by Poseidon himself!” Now that’s got him thinking. I can almost see his mind ticking. Wonder if he’ll agree. He’s not that fond of Agamemnon, so he could refuse. “Oddy, I’m confused. I’ll have to ask my advisor and get back to you.” 

You must be kidding me, Achilles. You need to ask your mother’s permission to go into battle now? Well, Thetis is wise, so I think the battle has been won and the war can commence. I’ll proceed to Mycenae and join up with Agamemnon and his army. He better have found a way to appease the wind gods. The hot air in his head will not be enough for such a long journey.

 **********

 Mycenae, Greece The ships of King Agamemnon

 “Aggy, how did you get the wind gods to be so merciful? They’re blowing with all their might, and we shall reach Troy in good time.” 

 Don’t ask me how, Menelaus. You don’t want to know. If I don’t die in this battle, Clyte might just kill me. Forgive me, Iphi, my darling, but Troy is a battle worth the price. I hope. “Well, whatever it is, thanks! We’ll just storm Troy, take Helen back and that’s that. Not much time needed. We’re the mighty Greeks!”

 Right right. Hector and Paris, who both know we’d be readying ourselves for battle, will just open the gates to Troy and welcome us with open arms, then surrender without a fight so we can have a cup of tea before we return.  “It’s just a matter of time, brother! We have Achilles with us, have no fear.” 

 Frankly, that is my fear. He might just come back to bite the hands that feed him. He’s not a venomous snake, but he’s a snake nonetheless. I’ll have to keep an eye on him.  “On our way to Troy, we’ll soon kill that Paris boy, then Helen shall be mine, and everything shall be fine. Greeks are the best after all, come the end of the war, we’ll be standing tall!” 

Wonder how Hector manages his brother… could ask him some tips… if it’s the Helen Effect, I’m sure Hector might be feeling that wrath too. “Enough now, Menelaus. The battle is not going to be easy. Ready yourself to fight.”

 Menelaus was right. The winds were strong. Just about a day’s journey and we’re sailing on the Scamander. We’ll be at Troy soon. “Men, get ready to kill.” 

 ********** 

 Apollo’s temple on the banks of the River Scamander

 “Pillage, loot, destroy men! Slay the Trojans! Myrmidons haven’t sailed the Aegean to come to a losing battle.” 

 I hope Mom is right about this. Thetis is wise, or so the people say. She said me to go to battle in Troy, so that people remember me after the battle when I die. Brrr! Couldn’t she have said “if”. Maybe the old lady has begun to lose faith in my skills as a warrior. I’ll show her! “Hold her Patroclus! Don’t slay her!” 

Who is this woman whose eyes shine brighter than the sun, skin is fairer than the white clouds, and voice sweeter than honey? She doesn’t deserve to die. She deserves to be my wife. I shall make her mine someday. “Well done, Achilles! A slave for me, the King of Greece! Agamemnon salutes your bravery!”

What? Slave for him? She’s going to be my wife, you good-for-nothing-on-the-battlefield king! “She will not be your slave. I saw her. I spared her. She’s mine to keep, Agamemnon.” 

 Damn! As if that will change his mind. I seriously need to practice some people skills so they actually listen when I talk. They only think of me as some invincible warrior. Can’t blame them though. I am invincible. I’ll take her back from him once I conquer this puny fortress of Troy. “What’s your name, maiden? Spit it out.” 

 How unladylike! I asked her to say her name, not spit first and then say it. Such a sweet name like Breseis and such a bitter attitude. Maybe it’s Agamemnon’s influence. It can spread quickly. I’ll see if I can hide some of this loot before that stingy king takes it all away from us Myrdimons. 

 ********** 

 The banks of River Scamander Outside the Greek camp

 “Menelaus, you spineless coward, come out and face me one-on-one! How dare you hide behind an army?” 

 Paris is a fool, but he comes up with some corny plans at times. This one just might work. “Hector, trust me, the guy can’t swing a sword to hit a pea. Helen told so herself.” 

 The lovestruck little boy believes his lover now, does he? Oh well, nothing to lose in this plan. Here he comes, and he’s looking redder than a rotten tomato. And there they go, with their cat and mouse swordfight. The way they’re fighting, I think both of them are just trying not to get hit! So far, both are succeeding in that. Clunk! There goes Paris’ pride along with his sword. “Hector, it worked! Now’s the time. Do it, bro!” 

 I wonder why I have to do the dirty work in this family of warriors. Both my father Priam and Paris feel as gutless as anyone I know. Et tu, brute Hector? “Menelaus, noooooo!”

 “Goodbye! Thanks for everything.” Agamemnon’s scream, and Helen’s whisper… I was expecting it to be the other way round. Life’s short, wife’s short, Menelaus my friend, rest in piece!

 **********

 Outside the Greek Camp The banks of the River Scamander 

 “Achilles, wake up. Wake up you moron! We’re under attack!”

He kills a few thousand Trojans and he’s so tired that he’s snoring. Well, he’s the greatest warrior in Greece, and I must not let his name go down in history as the snoring soldier. I, Patroclus, cousin of the great Achilles shall take his armour and fight those treacherous Trojans, cowards who attack in the night without warning! “Who dares attack the camp in this manner? They shall answer to me, Achilles!” 

 Oh no! It’s Hector. I don’t stand a chance. I heard he once cut off a man’s head with his eyes closed. It was the wrong man but come on, who has that good aim anyways? “I never took you to be a coward, heroic Hector, that you attack our camp in the dark!”

 Now I’m sure I am related to Achilles. Who else would make me say something like that? As if I needed to get the Trojan leader more angry than he already is! Ouch. That hurt! That hurt bad! I can see my life flash before my eyes! That was fast. Don’t tell me did nothing that is worth remembering! These idiots have stopped fighting too. Wonder what’s the big deal if I die? “Achilles!” Oh wait. That’s the big deal. They think I’m my cousin.

 “What? You aren’t Achilles?” Yeah Odysseus, tell Hector who I am. It’s his last kill anyways. He’s dying tomorrow. See ya in heaven, Hector. 

 ********** 

 The Gates of Troy The banks of the River Scamander 

 “Hector of Troy, I challenge you. Come face me one-on-one!” 

 That was easy. Here he comes now, battle armour and all. He looks vexed. I guess he knew I’d come seeking vengeance for Patro. “Why should I believe that you are the real Achilles? You Greeks already pulled one over us yesterday with an impostor!” 

 You must be kidding me. One fool puts on my armour and they doubt my word now? I thought I had a rep to protect, but Patro, you ruined that too! “Battle me and find out then!” 

 Yeah. I’ll show you! Take that, and that, and some of this too! Oh, he did and he’s returning it with interest. Admirable moves too, he can be a good dancer. “Ah! You got me Achilles. That hurt, but you win!”

 Yes! I did it! Vengeance is mine! Now back to the camp so I can taunt those critics! Wait, what the hell is Hector doing? Why’s he hanging on to my chariot? Let go! Wait, don’t let go. I’ll show you as my trophy! “Greeks are the greatest! Eat my dust, you terrible Trojans!” 

 ********** 

 Achilles’ tent in the Greek camp The banks of the River Scamander 

 “Greatest warrior of Greece, are you awake?” The voice seems familiar, but I just can’t place it. It’s hardly a whisper. He enters the tent slowly, silently. No. I don’t know him. 

 “Great Achilles, I am Priam, King of Troy and father of the warrior Hector, who you killed and dragged away mercilessly today morning.” 

 “Hold your horses, old man. I never dragged him away mercilessly. The fool held on to my chariot himself. Why would I want another dead body anyways? I have one to take home already in my stupid cousin.” 

 He’s thinking. I’m not sure what. He’s too old anyways. Don’t worry, fella! Achilles will spare you. He has no use for old men. “Great warrior, if that is so, I beg of you to release Hector’s body.” 

 “Sure! Why not? You can take him right now. While you’re at it, take Breseis with you too. I love her, but she’s the only one here who’ll help you carry the body back.”

 “Thanks a million, Achilles. You’re the best!” Oh well, atleast he acknowledges I am the best. A Trojan told I’m the best! Yippeee! Hector, I’ll see ya in the afterlife, buddy. We’ll have some wine and talk things over! 

********** 

 King Agamemnon’s tent in the Greek camp The banks of the River Scamander 

 “You fool, Achilles! You had the King of Troy in your tent and you let him walk away unharmed!” 

Come to think of it, yeah, that was a chance to win this goddamned battle. I haven’t seen Mom in ten years nearly. I miss her cooking. Lentil soup, fasolada and pasteli. Pasteli... YUMM! “Odysseus, this is insane. Can’t we storm that fortress now? They’re mourning Hector’s death! We’ll be able to win blindfolded!”

I wonder why Agamemnon is so stupid. Didn’t he hear Oddy before? Those walls and that gate are put there by Poseidon himself. They are unbreachable! “Your majesty, I have a plan. Trust me, Troy will be ours soon!”

 Now what foolproof plan can this fool come up with? If he wants me to pole vault over those walls, then I’m outta here! “I’ll get a hundred soldiers to hide insde a horse, and trick the Trojans to taking the horse inside. When night falls, they can open the gates and let us in!”

 Wow. What a plan! Doesn’t involve me one bit. Can rest up after my battle with Hector yesterday. Three cheers for Oddy! Hip hip..! “Sounds good, Odysseus. You and Achilles can take ninety eight soldiers and go in the horse!”

 Oh damn you, Agamemnon! What sadistic pleasure do you get seeing me rot?

 ********** 

 The Courtroom of King Priam Fortress of Troy near River Scamander 

 “Hail King Priam, I come bearing good news!” What news does this messenger bear for father now? At this time, can any news be good? Go away, dear man. Come later.

 “What is it, messenger? This old man’s heart cannot bear more bad news, so it better be good.”

 Yeah. I can’t bear bad news either. It’s like I’ve had a dose of bad news for breakfast, lunch and dinner since the last two days. “The Greeks have gone with their tails between their feet! The war is over! We’ve won!” 

 What? After ten years, they suddenly retreat? That’s not right. This is a trick! “Now that is good news! Let me see. Yes yes, the camp is empty but for a big wooden horse!” 

 “Your majesty, that can only be their offering to Poseidon. We must bring it to Troy immediately!” 

“You are right, Archeptolemus! Guards, arrange for it to be brought here!"

"What sort of priest are you? Think you fool! How can a hundred foot horse materialize overnight from thin air! It’s a trap, father! Don’t fall for it.” 

 “Think who you are speaking to before you say such things, Paris. It’s not your place to deny me or Archeptolemus!” 

 Yeah right, now you don’t value me. Hector would’ve said the same thing! On your head be it! 

 ********** 

 The Courtyard near the Wooden Horse Fortress of Troy near River Scamander 

 “Haaaalllp! Prince Paris, King Priam, wake up. The Greeks have returned. We’re being killed left right and center!” 

 Yeah moron! You fell for our trap! The inside of that horse smelled like horseshit, but we’re out now! And you shall bear the wrath of Achilles and the Greeks! Off to find my lover! 

 “Hold it right there, Achilles! This is your end!” As if! Puny Paris and Pathetic Priam in my way. Get out of my way and I shall spare you! 

 “Hey, that’s a cheap shot, Paris! My back was turned. And you aim for my heel? What’s with that huh? What if my heel won’t heal anytime soon? Go take archery lessons again!” 

 Little fella takes a cheap shot but boy that’s some costly pain! Why’s this world getting so dark now? Surely the invincible Achilles is not dying. Thetis, you vile woman, why couldn’t you have told me I’d come back alive. It’s your goodbye that makes me say goodbye to this world. “Paris, I have only one thing to say to you!”

 “What’s that, fallen Achilles? Need a bandage to continue fighting?”

 He sniggers. What a pompous little prick! I’ll show him! “No. Greeks are the greatest! Kiss my ass, you worthless fool!”

The Tragedy(?) of Troy

Author: Rajrupa Gupta

Author Intro: Rajrupa is whimsical in one part, carefree daydreamer and obsessive freak in another part. She suffers from nostalgia and worries about the uncertain. She has a varied range of conflicting interests - books, movies, music, travel, architecture, hacking, cooking, sleeping, gossiping, being lazy on purpose and perhaps most importantly - observing people and reflecting about life. In her head random thoughts are always rioting to come out first. She presents them to you as Riot of Random.

Story:

Hector: Paris! Come here. I have found a thief hiding in our ship. 

Helen: What the heck? I’m no thief! Paris, baby! Tell this bulky dork who I am.

Paris: Oh, Hector. She is no thief. She is the greatest pastor I’ve ever known!

Hector: She is a pastor?

Helen: I am a pastor?

Paris: Pastor? Oh no! I mean pistor. She baked the bread in the royal dinner last night you see!

Hector: So you are a royal cook! What are you doing here on my ship?

Helen: Cook? How dare you call me a cook? Paris!

Paris: How dare you call her a cook, bro?

Hector: You just said that!

Paris: I said pistor. Anyway she is Helen. Menelaus’s wife.

Hector: Menelaus’s wife? Have you completely lost it brother? You are kidnapping Menelaus’s wife?

Helen: Hello mister! Nobody’s kidnapping me ok? I am coming on my own. Don’t worry; I have left Menelaus a message on Facebook. Don’t act so frustrated now. I like your brother, he likes me. What’s your problem in that?

Hector: What’s my problem? It’s just that we came here for a peace treaty between Troy and Sparta. You fools just ruined it.

Paris: Chill bro! Can’t you see how beautiful she is? How could I leave her there in that love less palace?

Hector: And now you are bringing our doom with us to Troy. Do whatever you want to do. We all are going to die for you.

Paris(whispers): See I told you it won’t be too difficult. After all who wouldn’t like you? You are so beautiful!

Helen: I know right!

***

Agamemnon: What an absolute shame brother. You did the right thing coming to me. Let’s attack Troy and show them who the boss is.

Menelaus: Don’t look so excited please. I know how enthusiastic you are about battles, but I heard their walls are unbreakable.

Agamemnon: Do I see fear in your eyes? Don’t you know who I am? I am the emperor of the mighty Greece. We can crush them. And you will get your wife back.

Menelaus: Why! You are right of course. I will get my Helen back. Oh what fun it will be. We can certainly crush the cursed Trojans into dust. We have Achilles after all.

Agamemnon: If only that idiot will fight. The joker is only obsessed about what the media is writing about him. Typical celebrity syndrome, if you ask me. Menelaus, go convince Odysseus, the king of Ithaca, to go convince Achilles for this battle. We have no hope without him.

***

Odysseus: Achilles!

Patroclus: Hiya lord Odysseus. What a pleasure! I am Patroclus. Achilles’s cousin.

Odysseus: I thought you were Achilles. You are dressed exactly like him.

Achilles: Never mind him Odysseus. He is just obsessed with me. I don’t blame him though. I mean who wouldn’t? After all not everyone is lucky to be blessed with a cousin as popular as myself right?

Odysseus: Right! Now if you would listen to me I am carrying a message from king Agamemnon.

Achilles: Ha! What does he want now? Didn’t I tell him that I won’t fight for his goals?

Odysseus: Didn’t you hear about what happened to Helen? The Trojans kidnapped her! So Menelaus seeks revenge. Agamemnon’s just helping him. Don’t you think you should help poor Menelaus get his wife back?

Achilles: Pfft! Revenge my foot. All that power thirsty animal cares for is to bring down the Trojans too. Menelaus’s wife is just the excuse he needed. But you know what, I have a feeling that this one’s going to be an epic battle, you know the kind poets write about when they want to be famous?

Odysseus: It’s going to be a tough one for sure. Poseidon himself built the wall around the city of Troy. It is believed to be indestructible.

Achilles: You make interesting points. Sure you know what tickles me. Off you go Odysseus. Inform your boss that I will join his team but not as one of his troop. I will bring my own men. Only this will ensure me the amount of papyrus I crave for.

Patroclus: Why do you need so much papyrus Achilles? Is the water poisoned there? Are we all going to get upset stomachs?

Achilles (Bangs his forehead): Go to your room now and keep quiet if you don’t want me to snatch the “No. 1 Fan of Achilles” trophy from you.

***

Achilles (Stretching on the deck of his ship): I don’t see anybody Eudorus. Are you sure the captain brought us to the right place? You know I don’t blame him; he’s kind of ancient.

Eudorus: I am pretty sure this is the right place. But Agamemnon won’t arrive for another day at least. He tweeted so. The rowers of his ships are as pathetic as their king.

Achilles: Hmm. Hey Eudorus, what’s that structure ahead? Looks like some kind of tourist spot. Why don’t we make an appearance there? It could give us some media coverage!

Eudorus: I don’t think so Achilles. That’s the temple of Apollo. You may end up hurting people’s sentiment.

Achilles (sniggers): Who cares about Apollo? In fact this is the best opportunity to become even more popular. Eudorus, get ready with the men. We are attacking. If we can ransack the place, I would be more famous than that good for nothing Apollo.

Eudorus: Attack soldiers!

Achilles: Yes. Go Myrmidons go!

Patroclus: But you are not fighting!

Achilles: Aww! Is it bothering you? You still need to learn a lot about being a celebrity. Just watch. Go Myrmidons go, kill them, arrest them!

Eudorus: They have fallen, Achilles. We have taken the princes’ cousin Briseis into custody.

Achilles: Good! Patroclus, could you please bring me a really sharp sword? Eudorus, could you please see if anyone from the media is covering this? Thanks Patroclus, you are very quick. So where’s the statue of Apollo? Let’s go behead it.

Hector (Comes running with an open sword): How dare you violate the holy temple of Apollo, Achilles? Have you no moral sense?

Achilles (waves dismissively): Whoa! Are you going to fight me Hector? Here? Look around. Nobody’s here. No press! I don’t fight like this. I need limelight. After all I am a hero!

Hector: You killed my people in a temple like a coward. Now you want me to call the press to witness our fight? What a sick person you are!

Achilles: Now now. Hold that thought. You know what a big celebrity I am, right? Let me tell you a secret. It’s not easy being popular. The public wants to see us fight. You know what, I can see it in your face, you are going to be a celebrity one day, if you are not already. So you must measure all your steps and seek all the media attentions that you can, if you want to be popular. Consider it as expert tips. Go home now. We can’t fight in this no man’s land.

Hector: You know what, as much as I loathe you, what you say makes sense. But we’ll definitely do it ok? Maybe after I have killed Agamemnon – the leech you call your king. And I will make sure to invite the media to cheer us. We’ll see who is more popular then.

Achilles: Ha ha! Sure Hector. I will wait eagerly.

***

Agamemnon: Bravo Achilles. I always knew you were not a fake celebrity.

Achilles: I agree.

Agamemnon: I am so delighted to see the gift you brought me. Briseis is an honorary member of my harem now.

Achilles: Wait. What? She belongs to me! Not you!

Agamemnon: Achilles. As much as I appreciate your attachment to the cousin of the kidnappers, she stays here. And you will obey, because, well, I am the EMPEROR.

Achilles: I don’t care. Do you wish me to fight you for the throne, Agamemnon? People will vote for me you know. I am more popular than you. Let’s have a poll in Facebook.

Agamemnon: Maybe. But are you aware of my connections in the Greek media? If you don’t want to be turned into a villain overnight, she stays here and you go back to your camp. Take rest. Tomorrow morning we are attacking. I will call you then.

***

Paris(Next day at the battle field): Hey Menelaus, look at you. Good to see you man!

Menelaus: Don’t talk to me that way Paris. You have dishonoured my hospitality.

Paris: I am sorry if I hurt you man. But what could I do? Love is blind you see?

Menelaus: And now you must suffer the wrath of Greece for your blindness.

Paris (Looks at the vast expanse of Greek army): Whoa! I can’t believe you brought such a big army to fight me! You must be really scared of me!

Menelaus: I am not scared of you, Paris.

Paris: Let’s have a duel then? What say? You and me, one on one. The winner gets Helen.

Menelaus: Fair enough! Much bloodshed can be avoided that way!

Agamemnon: I find this… disturbing Menelaus. We are here to fight a battle, to take Troy down.

Menelaus: Brother, my battle is with Paris. It’s Helen who I want to win back, not Troy. Paris, come on, come on. Let’s see what you got? Let me see what Helen saw in you!

Paris (Ducking Menelaus’s sword): Ooh! Aah! Not bad Menelaus. Not bad at all! Come on. Catch me if you can!

Menelaus: Why don’t you fight me Paris! You coward!

Helen: Ooh! This is working. Menelaus is angry. He’s lost control. You did it!

Paris: I did it! Hector! Go bro! It’s your turn now.

Hector (Growling): I can’t believe you call yourself a prince! You can’t even fight your own battle.

Paris: It’s all because of love bro! It’s all because of love. I can’t kill you know! I am above all this violence now!

Helen: Oh, Paris. You are such an adorable cutie!

Hector (Shakes his head and drives the sword through Menelaus): Die Menelaus die. Let the drama end!

***

Priyam: Hector, even if the battle appears to have become meaningless now that Menelaus is dead I am not sure Agamemnon agrees.

Hector: You are right dad! Did you see him after Menelaus died?

Priyam: Yes I did. He will attack again. And that’s why I think we should attack the Greek army first.

Hector: Great idea dad. Good news is Achilles won’t even join the battle unless there is press to cover it live.

Priyam: There’s more son. I have been following him on Twitter. He is tweeting along the same lines of your hopeless brother. He wants to spend the rest of his life away from the madness of battle in the Garden of Eden. I think he is in love.

Hector: What? Who is he in love with?

Priyam: Briseis apparently. He saved her from Agamemnon’s harem and then they made love!

Hector: And he tweeted about all that? Good lord! Anyway dad, I am going to get ready for the battle. I think we can cream them!

***

Eudorus: Alert soldiers! Alert! We have been attacked.

Odysseus: Oh no! Look at those fireballs descending from the sky! We are sure going to die.

Agamemnon: Don’t be a coward Odysseus! Fight back!

Odysseus: Stop being a boss, boss. Don’t shout orders from your high chair. Come join the battle.

Agamemnon: Why? I have so many people to do the work for me! Where’s Achilles?

Eudorus: He is not fighting. It’s the biggest buzz in Tweeter now. Honestly Agamemnon, you need to be on top of things if you want to be the king.

Odysseus: Look! Achilles!

Patroclus: Oh! This is so cool! People are actually thinking that I am Achilles!

Hector: So Achilles, finally you decided to come to the fight huh? But it seems that your love life has taken away the battle skills from you. I didn’t know you were so clumsy!

Patroclus: Fight me Hector. Stop talking.

Hector (Drives the sword through Patroclus): See, I killed you! Aww, Achilles, the biggest celebrity dying huh? Wait let me take a picture. Here let’s take your headgear off.

Holy shit! Who are you? Dressed like Achilles?

Achilles (Shouting from distance): Hector!

Hector: Wait! Was that Achilles’s voice?

Achilles: Damn right it was! Hector! How could you kill my cousin? He was my no.1 fan!

Hector: Oh Achilles, I didn’t know. He was dressed just like you.

Achilles: Of course he was. What else do you expect from my fan?

Hector: I am so sorry Achilles. I didn’t mean to kill him. But he was just a kid! How could you let him come to the battlefield?

Achilles: I didn’t know about it. I was busy inside my tent tweeting.

Hector: Yeah. That you were.

Achilles: But I must kill you now. Else my other fans will slam me. No one will come to the No.1 fan of Achilles contest.

Hector (defends Achilles’s blow): So you know your stuff too. I thought you were just an empty shell of coconut.

Achilles: Take this Hector. I picked up this move from Jackie Chan.

Hector: I don’t like your re-mixed moves Achilles. I am a purist.

Achilles: To hell with your purist moves Hector. Take this Bruce Lee blow and die.

Hector (breathes as he dies): Please tweet about my death Achilles. Let my dad know. He is following you.

***

Agamemnon: I don’t understand why we can’t attack now. This is the perfect opportunity. Troy is so vulnerable now!

Achilles: Because Priyam requested me to leave them alone for twelve days for Hector’s funeral. He is one of my followers in Twitter. I couldn’t deny him.

Agamemnon: That’s it. I am done with your PMS. I am going in that damned city.

Achilles: Hello! Get your facts correct first. Guys don’t get PMS!

Agamemnon: PMS. Popular Moron Syndrome.

Achilles: I…

Odysseus (Cutting in): Please stop arguing. We need to think here.

Achilles: What’s there to think? At the end of the twelfth day, we attack Troy!

Agamemnon(Copying Achilles): At the end of the twelfth day, we attack Troy! (Shouting) If you were fighting from the beginning I wouldn’t be seeing this day! You not only let Priyam take Hector’s body but also let that girlfriend of yours go. That girl, she knows our battle strategy. She was here! Now I don’t even know if they are arranging Hector’s funeral or building some deadly weapon! That damned wall! Even our greatest periscopes could not help.

Achilles: They are mourning. Brisesis’s Facebook page is updated every day with photos of the mourning ceremony!

Agamemnon: Just get out! Get out from here. She may be lying to distract you. (To Odysseus) Has he always been this stupid?

Odysseus: You know what? I have got an idea!

***

Helen: Darling Paris. Come, see what an extra-ordinary sight! Mr. Priyam, take a look!

Priyam: Indeed! No Greek soldier and such a beautiful wooden horse! I think Lord Poseidon is helping us. The horse must be a gift from him in Hector’s remembrance! What could be a more appropriate gift for the great soldier that he was!

Paris: I think it’s a trap! Why would the Greeks leave otherwise?

Priyam: Because they were attacked by some deadly disease! Achilles tweeted. See! I think Poseidon released some lethal bio-weapon on them!

Paris: You believe Achilles, dad? Hector’s killer? I still believe this is a big scam.

Helen: When did you become such a sceptic baby? Mr. Priyam, let’s bring that horse in? What say? It’s the coolest and biggest thing I have ever seen.

Priyam: I think that’s a very good idea.

***

Achilles: I hate you Odysseus. First you make me lie and then you put me inside this dark horse belly. And who knows when these soldiers bathed last time. Oh God! It really stinks in here. I think I am going to pass out.

Odysseus: Stop over-reacting. Sshhh! I think they are here! Now let’s see whether they are idiotic enough to believe this!

Achilles (whispers): And what if they are smart! What then?

Odysseus (whispers): I don’t know. Maybe they will kill us.

Achilles (whispers): Kill us! Kill us! You really are out of your mind aren’t you?

Odysseus: Wait I think they are dragging us in. Look from this crack. See? That’s the city door we just crossed! I can’t believe the plan actually worked!

Achilles: Let’s crawl out. I really need some fresh air.

Odysseus: Attack soldiers! Massacre everything. Let’s destroy Troy!

Achilles: You people go ahead. I am going to find Briseis.

Priyam: Achilles, you lied!

Achilles: It’s really not my fault. That guy made me type it on sword point.

Priyam: I trusted you!

Achilles: I am sorry! But I have to find Briseis! Bye!

Paris(Blocks the road ahead): You are a bigger coward than me. Boy! It sure feels good. Here. Let me kill you! (Pulls the arrow)

Achilles(sniggers): You will kill me? Look you can’t even aim. Your arrow has hit my heel!

Paris: I don’t kill people. But they do. Look around.

Achilles: Oh! No! I can’t believe so many people actually want to kill me. I thought people loved me! Please don’t kill me! Look at me! I am Achilles. The most popular hero alive! You sure don’t want me dead! Or maybe you do, judging by the looks on your faces! Shocking! Ok! I guess I have no other choice. (Many arrows pierce through his body) Paris could you please let the media know of my heroic death? They sure will find many ways to promote it. Could you please make sure I look presentable when they see my body? I don’t want to disappoint them in my death. Oh! I think this is it! Bye dear world. I am sorry I have to leave you, because, honestly, I don’t think you will get such a hero ever again! I know I will be dearly missed. A legend comes to an end! Goodbye dear earth. Goodbye.