AUTHOR NAME: Harshal Gupta
AUTHOR INTRO: This is Harshal Gupta.Blogger at Impressions. I am
an 18 year old budding engineer who sometimes tries his hand at short fictions
and poetry.
STORY:
Those were the days. When I was the centre of attraction in
the Montgomery High. Every girl in the school wanted to date me, be with me,
and love me. I was good at sports. Be it basketball or baseball. I lived in the
upper west area. The poshest location in the city. Dad drove a Bentley, I drove
an Audi and mom drove a BMW. I had servants who took care of everything. From
my breakfast to my dinner. I was living the life every teenager once dreamed of
in his life. I knew exactly what to do and when to do. I was the one
worshipped by all. The one who would have the most beautiful woman of the world
as his wife and together we would live in each other's arms forever. Those were
the days. Those were the dreams and those were the realities. But as they say,
nothing stays forever, be it good or be it bad. The sun always has to set and
rise again. And so in one flick I lost my strength, I lost my physical beauty,
lost all of my so called friends. And why did that happen?
It was a beautiful Saturday night. The young, vain and naive
me threw one of the biggest parties of the town. I was walking around the
mansion, proud of the party, proud at being the one. People kept coming to me
saying: “AWESOME PARTY MAAAANNNN.” Suddenly seeing a strange light in my dad’s
study, I went over to find out the cause. Entering, I saw a creepy looking
psychic with her bowl pouring over it like the Professor Trelawney from Harry
Potter. A long purple cape draped over her body, a hat covered her hat.
Multiple rings adorned her fingers. In font of her there was a huge crystal
bowl with all kinds of electric sparks inside.
“Welcome John. I have been expecting you.”
“Wait. Who the hell are you and what are doing inside my
mansion? How did you even get in?”
“Relax John. None of that is of concern here my child. I am
here to tell you about you, your future.”
“How do I know you aren’t some con trying to dupe me of my
money?”
“Child. If I had to take away your money, I’d have already
done that and you wouldn’t even have a clue.”
Seeing no other option. I relentlessly agreed to hear what
my future exactly held for me.
“You have a lot of baggage from your past, don’t you son?
Your parents death when you were 12 caused a lot of grief to you hasn’t it?”
“Hey Woman. I thought you were going to tell me about my future, not my past.”
“I am. But you hold a lot of baggage from your past. The way
you reacted after your parent’s death. The booze, the drugs, hanging out with
the group downtown. I know the grief takes a hold on you, but if you don’t mend
your ways my son, I’ll be forced to paint your future dark.”
“What are you even talking about? I am leading the perfect
life I can. I have all the pretty friends, the money and power. Why should my
future be dark?”
“Because where you stand right now. You have already turned
into a beast. It is not visible outside, but soon it will explode from every
inch of your body.”
Disgusted. I stood up to leave. Bloody lunatic she was. Pretending to be some
kind of psychic and shit. I’ll show her who she was dealing with.
***
Oh how low can this gender even fall? These chauvinistic
sexist pigs, boring and arrogant to the brim, think that without them the world
cannot even survive. Who the hell do they think they are? Every single on them
I meet is a lowlife character, flaunting his dad's riches and not giving a damn
to the other. Oh how much I hate them. I prefer dying an old main in a nunnery
than even thinking of marrying such men. And pffft, who even needs men. They
aren't that essential to live. And why does the school even think that I am the
weird one. Because I'd rather prefer reading my books rather than ogling at the
catalogue of boys like the rest of the girls in the school.
I wish these people behaved a bit more like those from my
village in Tennessee . How lovely
and compassionate they were.
“Do you like it Hailey?”
“Like it Dad? I love it. It is beautiful.”
“Want to see it from inside?”
“Duh. Obviously dad. Sheesh, what kind of questions you
ask?”
I had lived most of my life in Tennessee .
Dad owned a ranch and we lead a happy life. Me my dad and my mother. The three
of us were content with each other. But fate did not like us being happy. God
loved my mother more and took her away along with our barn and ranch with a
fire. I was six. Too young to acknowledge. Too completely sink in the
fact that my mom had left me forever.
Slowly as the years panned out. My father started having
problems. Fate was again playing it’s cruel role and my dad was diagnosed with
pancreatic cancer. For better treatment we had to move to the city and hence
the new house.
***
“What the hell are you doing here? Who let you in?”
“I am Hailey Bennett. I am here to meet you.”
“Go away you stupid scum. I don’t want to meet anybody. Who
the hell even told you about me?”
“Your English teacher who is now mine gave me these writings
you wrote. I needed to tell you how beautiful each of them was and how much I
loved them.”
“Go away please. I beg you. I cannot be seen like this.”
“Why? Because you are disfigured. Because you do not like
the way you used to? Why do you think people only care about your looks?”
“Because that is what the world cares. The bling. The looks.
That is what only the world looks for. Not who you are inside or how you are as
a person. That doesn’t matter to them. They see my disfigured face and they
have a topic to gossip about. That is why I have stopped meeting people and
that is why I don’t want to meet you. “
What did that stupid girl think she was. Some mother Teresa.
Oh poor John. I must go to help him since he is disfigured and then I will take
in the accolades. If only I hadn’t woken up that morning. That stupid morning.
“Master John, wake up now. Otherwise you’ll be late for school.”
“Aaahh. 5 more minutes Mrs Morgan” I said turning my face up
rubbing my eyes. Suddenly hearing a gasp escape out of her. I asked what
happened.
“What did you do last night Master John? Where did those
scars come from?”
“What scars? What are you talking about?” Panicked me ran
for the closet mirror and freaked out. Scars etched across my body I watched
myself in horror. My body was marked in the most gruesome way ever. Near
to the mirror I saw the psychic sitting, watching over what was happening
around.
“What the hell did you do to me?”
“I did warn you John, didn’t I?
What did you do to me? What did you do?" I yelled,
running up to her and shaking her by the arm. "What the, flipping hell,
did you do?!"
With a wave of her hand, she sent me flying across the room.
Some of the servants who were loyal to me including Mrs Morgan, my legal
guardian, rushed over to my side. As I looked up, the psychic transformed into
a beautiful young woman who was floating in the air.
"My name is Estrella, and I am an enchantress. You have
done nothing but been cruel to the people who've taken care of you and have
been nothing but selfish and cold-hearted. You are now cursed to look as ugly
on the outside as your heart is on the inside."
I knelt and begged, "Please, change me back. I'm sorry
for what I've said, I didn't mean to. Please, I'm begging you. Please, turn me
back to the way I was."
"I'm sorry, Matthew." She replied, "It is
already done. The spell will continue until your twenty-first birthday. If you
are able to find someone to love you as you are, without her knowing of the
spell, you will be freed. If you don't, you will remain this way forever."
With that, she disappeared, leaving me alone with my
servants in despair.
“Why wouldn’t he let me help him? Why wouldn’t he let me
take care of him? He deserves all that?” These thoughts kept running in my
mind. These writings are so beautiful. The emotions, the words are panned out
so beautifully. Why do sometimes people think that only the physical beauty
matters to the world and not their inner beauty.
“You know I will keep running behind you no matter what
happens. I’ll keep following you until you start talking to me.”
“Look Haley. You cannot be around me.”
“Give me one good reason why?”
Answering through a choked up throat the poor guy could only
let out a few words: “Because I am dangerous and don’t want to hurt you.”
“Dangerous? What are you even talking about? I don’t even
care how you look, I just want to be friends with you. Know you on the inside.
I want you to confine in me. Make me your friend and I won’t let you down.
Should I trust her? Should I not? Is she really genuine?
Does she really not care two hoots about my scars? Sensing the turmoil in me.
Mrs Morgan spoke:” I think you should give her a chance Master John. It
wouldn’t hurt. And if she really cares you will finally have a friend you can
understand you and talk to apart from us oldies.” And then she smiled. She
displayed one of those heart-warming smiles and somehow I felt confident again.
“Hello.”
“Hey Haley, this is John.” Said a meek voice from the other
side on the phone. My heart jumped with joy.
Finally the boy had started to
open up. Yay.
“Hii John. How are you?”
“Alive, I guess.”
“Ohh stop it you. Be positive and the world will be positive
to you.”
“Yeah right. Tell me one thing. How come you are so positive
about everything? I see you smiling every now and then. How come you are so
happy everytime?”
“I don’t know. It’s just something I have. Why can’t you
smile more often? I bet it would make you feel good?”
“There should be something to smile about.”
“Yeah well. I bet I am going to make you smile soon. Very
soon.”
Today I called Haley. It felt pretty good I guess. It was
one of the longest talks I have had with someone since a long period of time.
We talked about school; we talked about her life in Texas ,
her transition towards the city life, things about her dad. Oh how lovely did
it feel. To open up to someone. To let go of the emotions you have been holding
in for long. At least she seems genuine and not fake like all those friends I
had. What if she turns out to be the one who ends breaking my curse? After 3
years of surviving through torture and pain and the agony of seeing myself in
the mirror I will finally be able to breathe a sigh of relief.
I think I am falling for John. Despite his scars, he is a
very genuine person at heart. The way he looks at me in the eyes, our long
walks, long phone conversations, his poems describing me, the way he genuinely
sometimes cares for me. Would it be wise to wise to tell him about my feelings?
I pondered over the poor petals of a rose.
I am going to tell her about my curse and the old psychic on
our next walk and then tell her about my feelings towards her. I really hope
she has the same feelings I have for her. On our next walk I hope things change
for us
***
I saw something amazing happen today. John confessed his
feelings for me and I said yes and we leaned in to kiss each other. As soon as
my lips touched his, suddenly a transformation out of the blue occurred and he
suddenly became the guy from the school pictures. The old John Smith. The
handsome loving John Smith. Confused me, I asked him the reason and then he
confessed everything to me. How he was so greedy in the past and how the
psychic cursed him until he found true love of his own or he would remain
disfigured for ever. No matter what happens I still love him and will always do
so.
***
I am back to my old self. Thank lord for that. Though I
promise I will change myself now and that I will hang out with the right crowd
and try to make things happy with Haley. People aren't so bad in this
world after all.
Good attempt and the language and writing is nice in places. It is interesting how you have made it like a typical Hollywood movie script.
ReplyDeleteYou have done a decent job with the conflict opening. But this is not exactly the conflict establisher. More the puzzler I would say as per the article.
Some points to note:-
1. It is not clear why she was attracted to him in fist place.
2. Her father's pancreatic cancer has no bearing on the story as such.
3. The transitions between current and flash back and John and Haley are vague and not very smooth.
4. The emotions could have had greater depth.
5. There could have been some more back story who exactly is the mystic woman and why she is randomly barging into John's life. What exactly did she hope to accomplish?
6. Could have done more work on the transformation - what John was before the scars, how the scars changed him and how Haley's love changed him further.
A very good attempt. But, you need to improve a lot on your grammar.
ReplyDeleteThere are few sentences which need to be rephrase...and many typos too. EX. Bowl pouring over it. A hat covered her hat.
1.Dad drove a Bentley, mom drove a BMW, I drove an Audi....??? His parents had died when he was 12!
2. Parent's death caused grief...how? Why was it traumatic?
3. What is the role of the enchantress in the story? Is she looking out for John? Some family connection?
4. Hailey's distrust in men is not explained properly.
5. Why the mention of Legal guardian?
6. John sounds like a normal rich, pampered brat.
7. John has been called Mathew once :-)
8. "I am going to tell her..." - thinks John. How can he when the psychic has explicitly told him not to
9. Transformation should have been more magical.
10. Beauty and beastly characteristics should have been described properly.
The paragraph about John's thoughts of Hailey is well done.
Work on the punctuation marks too.
Good attempt.
Thanks for the participation.
Request you to please take the below critique in the right spirit. I do not intend to do anything but help.
ReplyDeleteFrom a character angle: I like how you have considered selfishness/cruelty etc as the beast here, considering that it's a contemporary take. Showing an evil in a person makes him a beast. Well done! You've shown John as a vain and uncaring about emotions/feelings of others. The only exception I found is, in such a case, if a girl (one who the school thinks as a nerd) comes knocking on his door, would a selfish teenager try and talk to this person about how no one looks on the inside and only looks at the outside? Possible definitely, but maybe you could write it in a way so that it fits the rest of his character profile and keeps the character behaviour consistent - Note that at this point of time, he still hasn't been shown to become a nice person - his being a beast is still supposed to exist and this is the first time he's meeting her - so he doesn't have any caring feelings for her yet. It would also have been nice to see his cruelty, pride, selfishness through some incident instead of him saying he was selfish - or the psychic saying he's selfish.
I like the supportive Mrs. Morgan character you've built though you've ensured she stays as a minor character.
Hailey/Haley's nicety and sweet helping nature has been shown well - with her volunteering to help! You seem to have moved away from some of the basic premise of the story - like the sisters, the father having sent Hailey to the beast etc. As a story, it moves pretty fine. Only from the point of view of this workshop, it would have helped to see those elements too.
Please do add section separators in your story :) Lines or stars or section numbers or something.
Hey Harshal!
ReplyDeleteThat's a very good attempt! I like the contemporary setting you have provided for the tale of Beauty and the Beast. The inner vileness of John leads to the dis figuration of his body: good thinking there, the moral essence of the original has been preserved.
I'm not too happy with the opening. The story could have begun with John conflicted over his feelings for Hailey, as I'm sure has happened somewhere in the narrative. Then, it could have gone into a flashback.
I like the pace of your story, but, the transitions between the two POVs is not too smooth. I'm sure you can work on it!
Also, I would suggest you pay a little more attention to descriptions. Hailey has been done nicely, but John's inner turmoil needs a little more detail.
Good attempt overall, keep writing!
Thank you!
The narration and the langauge is good, I also liked the contemporary setting. The enchantress appearing before John should have been a little bit more detailed.
ReplyDeleteThere are some other minor lapses in the story plot and editing which I think the others have already mentioned before me. Thank you for participating in this exercise.
Hi there Harshal,
ReplyDeleteAll the best.
Here are the points which came across when I read your story:
1."In font of her there was a huge" font = FRONT
Similarly, "Every single on them I meet is a lowlife" ON = ONE &
"Too completely sink" too = TO. panned = Penned
2. At certain places I feel the period should have been a comma like "Seeing no other option. I relentlessly"
3."Panicked me ran for the closet.. " sounds wrong grammatically, It could have been like this " I panicked and ran to the closest only to freak out"
4. Psychic transforming makes this story magical right? So the contemporary factor is missing.
5."I'm sorry, Matthew." How did John become Matthew?
6. The narration is confusing at times as in whos speaking!
The tale is weaved well though :)
Meow ^_^