Title of the story-- Just a matter of time
"Its Shera the prison cat Dara ,nothing to be scared of !"
But we did decide to leave him behind ,did we not ?-I questioned him,annoyed to see the cat I disliked, again.
"Well he decided to follow us Dara. Cats are special and believe me he will be of help to us in our journey."
It was pitch dark all around.The air was humid and carried a peculiar smell with it.Soon we reached a clearance and we could see an old fort at a distance. There was a chill in the wind that night and as if on cue,it began raining .The soft drizzle soon became a downpour as we ran towards the fort to take shelter .Wind was ferocious now slapping across my face and trying its best to stop me in my tracks.I could see Teja move swiftly in front of me.It became difficult for me to close in on him in the dark.I could hear his voice though ,talking to no one in particular.I decided to follow as closely as I could.Slashing the shrubs on my way,I was trying to sprint in the direction of the fort when I felt someone pulling me ahead. I shrieked and fell on my face . I called out to Teja. His small frame appeared in the dark and pulled me out of the tangle of creepers.Leave the creepers alone Dara ,you need not hurt them as you walk ..they do not like it .
Something in his tone was strange and I did not like it. I decided to be open about my suspicions so that it was easy to decide whether he really was with me till the end of our journey. "Why is it so important for you to slow down without an explanation every now and then and why do you care so much about cats any way ?" I asked ,irritation writ large on my face and in my tone.He could not read my face and he did not care obviously about my irritation. " Plants and animals and all living creatures convey messages to each other in various forms .They have a language ,one needs to be very observant ,that is all ."-said Teja. I was in no mood to listen to his philosophical side .he continued ,uncaring about what I thought.
"Plants talk to me.They always have.I understand what they say and it is not always very pleasant." Teja was crossing over to be termed insane by any normal person and I was no exception. "Do you think you can scare me by talking utter crap ?" I said indignantly. "You may choose to dis believe but not everything in this world has an explanation.I can read what goes on in Shera's mind too.I was not surprised to see him here,in fact I was deliberately slow in walking along for I knew he would catch up."
"What nonsense is this ! Have you completely lost it ?" I did not know whether to laugh or cry at this cruel turn of fate. Such a dangerous journey with a lunatic and his cat ! The thought became scary all of a sudden and I wanted to break free.But how ? At this point in time I needed every ounce of support I could gather.Jungle was never a friendly place to be .I definitely was not going to tread alone on this path.
The woods ,I always thought ,were a strange place, they intimidate and as a solace ,offer you small patches of clearings in the middle before engulfing you again in their darkness.To me the clearance seemed like hope and the thicket beyond was like despair.
Author--- Dr Sharmila Kulkarni
Author info---- A Mumbai based Prosthodontist who loves to play with words.
.I am kind of wary of this man who has walked with me for over ten kilometers through this dense forest.He keeps talking to himself or may be to no one in sight l. Why does he have to look up to trace the heads of the tall trees every now and then?I wish I was alone in this big escape plan from the heavily guarded central jail of Bandipur. If it was not for his strong sense of direction and extra sharp sensory perception,I would have never let him in my plans.Something about him is not normal.I have seen many ugly faces but this one is not normal.Thank God he agreed to leave his constant companion, that scary black cat behind, before we escaped from the prison..
"Now what Teja ?Why are you going so close to that tree ?My dadi always said that there are witches on the trees in the dark and they cling on to innocent people and capture their bodies and minds.Walk faster so that we clear this stretch of jungle before dawn."-I said in irritated tone trying to scare him at the same time.
Teja appeared from behind that tree and began walking on a mud track away from our chosen path.I began following him closely when I heard someone jump behind me from a height .I stopped in my tracks and so did Teja. He was talking to himself again .Suddenly ,a black shadow emerged from nowhere and leapt on Teja ,brushing my shoulders on the way.A pair of sharp red eyes glinted in the dark and focussed on me .Teja's small frame stumbled at the impact briefly before he steadied himself and heaved a sigh of relief.
"Its Shera the prison cat Dara ,nothing to be scared of !"
But we did decide to leave him behind ,did we not ?-I questioned him,annoyed to see the cat I disliked, again.
"Well he decided to follow us Dara. Cats are special and believe me he will be of help to us in our journey."
It was pitch dark all around.The air was humid and carried a peculiar smell with it.Soon we reached a clearance and we could see an old fort at a distance. There was a chill in the wind that night and as if on cue,it began raining .The soft drizzle soon became a downpour as we ran towards the fort to take shelter .Wind was ferocious now slapping across my face and trying its best to stop me in my tracks.I could see Teja move swiftly in front of me.It became difficult for me to close in on him in the dark.I could hear his voice though ,talking to no one in particular.I decided to follow as closely as I could.Slashing the shrubs on my way,I was trying to sprint in the direction of the fort when I felt someone pulling me ahead. I shrieked and fell on my face . I called out to Teja. His small frame appeared in the dark and pulled me out of the tangle of creepers.Leave the creepers alone Dara ,you need not hurt them as you walk ..they do not like it .
Something in his tone was strange and I did not like it. I decided to be open about my suspicions so that it was easy to decide whether he really was with me till the end of our journey. "Why is it so important for you to slow down without an explanation every now and then and why do you care so much about cats any way ?" I asked ,irritation writ large on my face and in my tone.He could not read my face and he did not care obviously about my irritation. " Plants and animals and all living creatures convey messages to each other in various forms .They have a language ,one needs to be very observant ,that is all ."-said Teja. I was in no mood to listen to his philosophical side .he continued ,uncaring about what I thought.
"Plants talk to me.They always have.I understand what they say and it is not always very pleasant." Teja was crossing over to be termed insane by any normal person and I was no exception. "Do you think you can scare me by talking utter crap ?" I said indignantly. "You may choose to dis believe but not everything in this world has an explanation.I can read what goes on in Shera's mind too.I was not surprised to see him here,in fact I was deliberately slow in walking along for I knew he would catch up."
"What nonsense is this ! Have you completely lost it ?" I did not know whether to laugh or cry at this cruel turn of fate. Such a dangerous journey with a lunatic and his cat ! The thought became scary all of a sudden and I wanted to break free.But how ? At this point in time I needed every ounce of support I could gather.Jungle was never a friendly place to be .I definitely was not going to tread alone on this path.
The woods ,I always thought ,were a strange place, they intimidate and as a solace ,offer you small patches of clearings in the middle before engulfing you again in their darkness.To me the clearance seemed like hope and the thicket beyond was like despair.
The fort had a huge iron gate, rusted with time but strong and unyielding nevertheless.It took all our might to make enough gap for us to enter .The giant main door was ajar and we entered the spacious main hall which must have seen a lot of activity in the bygone era. Teja had a candle in his hand he and Shera entered after me. Shera walked on tip toes to a corner and sat crouched under a table. Teja walked up to him to comfort him when he tripped on something .I picked it up to see that it was a long piece of rusted iron much in the shape of a key. I turned it over and wiped the dust off .It revealed a map of some place.It has to belong to some lock inside the fort ,I thought aloud. There was another room adjacent to the hall and out of curiosity and excited at our new find,we decided to explore.I opened the door to enter a dark room with long wooden blocks strewn across the floor.It looked like a chess room with the floor as the checker board and the wooden blocks were the chess pieces.
I looked at the key in my hand to figure out whether there was some lock made for the key.The map on the key did depict a lock but where was it in this sprawling complex of rooms.There was some rustling of feathers which the cat could sense way before we did."Bats or may be pigeons !"-said Teja." Do not touch the blocks Dara", he said, almost in the same breath. By then we had almost crossed the room to stand near the movable partition at the other end .We tried shifting the wooden lattice work doubling as partition but it would not budge. i pushed with all my might ,going unsteady on my feet in the process.I held on to one of the chess pieces close by to gain balance .Wha,,,who moved this from the centre of the board ? Teja..! There was a shrill whistling sound in the background which I ignored ,attributing it to the strong wind trying to enter in through tiny spaces around.From the corner of my eyes I spotted a giant insect crawling towards me. Suddenly ,in the flickering light of Teja's candle,I saw the king of the chess pieces move. The key slipped from my hand and i realized that the block I was leaning against was also not where it was ! Startled beyond wits ,I gathered the key and suddenly realized that the block near me had a slot quite similar in pattern to the key.Mustering up all my courage at the turn of events ,I tried fitting the key into the slot. There was a loud creaking noise that startled all of us in the room including the giant spider. The partition had moved !! The spider scampered and disappeared behind the partition.
This was like in those horror movies I thought to myself !What if there is a treasure somewhere in the fort? The thought excited me enough to make a dash and we crossed the partition to reach the other side where there lay a magnificent trunk kept against the wall. After a brief hesitation,we opened the trunk expecting a treasure within. Instead,we were greeted by a pair of royal slippers and a walking stick. I did not pay much attention to the spider who had found a new home inside the trunk . Loud shuffling of feet or was it furniture being shifted somewhere close by ? It was eerie,how the chess pieces had moved places before. I could not contain my curiosity and peeped through the lattice ."Whoa!! Teja ,did you do that ?"
"What did I do now?" whispered Teja behind me. The chess pieces had been arranged neatly as if ready for a new game on the board. It was spooky !
It was as if there was someone else in the fort. Someone was here! We had company! I could not decide whether this made me happy or apprehensive. We moved ahead exploring the fort further and entered a courtyard. A tall tree right in the centre of the courtyard stood guarding the old fort.The structure looked ominous with the presence of the tree. "Teja ! look here !" I called out to Teja .Teja was trying to slip his feet into the new slippers.I showed him what I had discovered.There was a ditch behind the tree and the dug out mud did not look ancient. Teja peered down ,Shera was at his feet when suddenly a loud thunder and the cat yelped and jumped in the air. Teja disappeared the next instant !
I looked at the key in my hand to figure out whether there was some lock made for the key.The map on the key did depict a lock but where was it in this sprawling complex of rooms.There was some rustling of feathers which the cat could sense way before we did."Bats or may be pigeons !"-said Teja." Do not touch the blocks Dara", he said, almost in the same breath. By then we had almost crossed the room to stand near the movable partition at the other end .We tried shifting the wooden lattice work doubling as partition but it would not budge. i pushed with all my might ,going unsteady on my feet in the process.I held on to one of the chess pieces close by to gain balance .Wha,,,who moved this from the centre of the board ? Teja..! There was a shrill whistling sound in the background which I ignored ,attributing it to the strong wind trying to enter in through tiny spaces around.From the corner of my eyes I spotted a giant insect crawling towards me. Suddenly ,in the flickering light of Teja's candle,I saw the king of the chess pieces move. The key slipped from my hand and i realized that the block I was leaning against was also not where it was ! Startled beyond wits ,I gathered the key and suddenly realized that the block near me had a slot quite similar in pattern to the key.Mustering up all my courage at the turn of events ,I tried fitting the key into the slot. There was a loud creaking noise that startled all of us in the room including the giant spider. The partition had moved !! The spider scampered and disappeared behind the partition.
This was like in those horror movies I thought to myself !What if there is a treasure somewhere in the fort? The thought excited me enough to make a dash and we crossed the partition to reach the other side where there lay a magnificent trunk kept against the wall. After a brief hesitation,we opened the trunk expecting a treasure within. Instead,we were greeted by a pair of royal slippers and a walking stick. I did not pay much attention to the spider who had found a new home inside the trunk . Loud shuffling of feet or was it furniture being shifted somewhere close by ? It was eerie,how the chess pieces had moved places before. I could not contain my curiosity and peeped through the lattice ."Whoa!! Teja ,did you do that ?"
"What did I do now?" whispered Teja behind me. The chess pieces had been arranged neatly as if ready for a new game on the board. It was spooky !
It was as if there was someone else in the fort. Someone was here! We had company! I could not decide whether this made me happy or apprehensive. We moved ahead exploring the fort further and entered a courtyard. A tall tree right in the centre of the courtyard stood guarding the old fort.The structure looked ominous with the presence of the tree. "Teja ! look here !" I called out to Teja .Teja was trying to slip his feet into the new slippers.I showed him what I had discovered.There was a ditch behind the tree and the dug out mud did not look ancient. Teja peered down ,Shera was at his feet when suddenly a loud thunder and the cat yelped and jumped in the air. Teja disappeared the next instant !
The door behind me rattled noisily ,wind and rain lashing against the lone window as I stood there sweating profusely.I called out to Teja but my call was met with a deafening silence. ..I tried looking down into the ditch when I felt the soft mud melt beneath my feet and I too plunged into the dark hole.It seemed like a bottomless pit !The hole became narrower as I slid down trying to find something to latch on to..I felt suffocated and began gasping for air desperately.My chest felt constricted as if I was in a vice like grip of something .I was on the verge of fainting when after what seemed like an eternity,I landed on something or was it someone! The stench was unbearable,its source untraceable ,I waited after the initial shock to get accustomed to the dark . A hoarse voice,barely audible called out to me, in that space. I smelt blood and rotting organic matter.Rats! Corpses! What was it ,around me,below me...? "Teja,is that you ?" I called out .I was scared now. I groped in the dark and tried to stand on my feet but hit my head on the walls.I crawled a bit reaching out to search for Teja and the wretched cat .I soon touched an opening in the wall and crawled ahead in spite of my extreme claustrophobia. I had no way to know what the slush beneath my body was made of.Whatever it was,it was good I did not know then. Suddenly,ahead of me I felt some movement,a small body and sensing my presence,it turned .I closed my eyes and began screaming .It moved closer and then I saw the familiar red eyes. Shera! I clung on to that ball of fur dearly .
The tunnel came to an end after what seemed like an eternity and together we emerged out in the open.I ran for my life for a considerable distance before I came to a halt to catch my breath. The fort was far behind me and I realized that I was standing on mud track with tyre marks.I felt hopeful suddenly.
The night was cold and wet and hitch hiking was not a very good idea but did I have a choice? I waited for a while in the night and then decided to walk fast in a direction that seemed logical to me at that moment. I prayed hard and kept on walking at a brisk pace .The sounds familiar and unfamiliar scared me but the biggest fear in life is that of an approaching end of that very life.I realized that day that I was not ready to leave this earth yet. I loved life too much to let go easily so I tumbled along where the path and the night took me.
The silence was broken by a faint sound of something approaching from behind .I was tempted to turn back and investigate but resisted . The rattling noise was very close now and soon I saw that a small car was trudging along the path at an excruciatingly slow speed.I could not believe my luck and jumped inside the car without asking or waiting for the driver's approval. Relief,fear,sadness,I was a mixed bag of emotions ,I hunched ,put my head down and let my tears flow .After a while I looked up to see where we were heading.I remembered Teja and wondered whether he was dead or alive.
Oh my God! There was no one at the wheel ! The car was ambling along the road on its own! A sharp turn and my heart leapt into my mouth as a deathly white hand steered the wheel to negotiate the turn.Unable to take it any longer and paralysed with fear,I took my chance at the next turn and kicked the door open to jump out. I ran with whatever strength had remained in my body to reach the next village.The dhaba owner was kind ,he gave me some food to eat and a charpai to sleep .Shera and I were inseparable now.
I had barely closed my eyes when I heard a voice behind -"isn't he that thankless guy who took a lift from us and ran away without paying ?"
I felt a sudden chill down my spine.I shut my eyes real tight and felt a slight tap on my forehead and strangely I felt light,very light .I was beyond felling anything any more. Suddenly ,all became very clear in my mind. The fear had been replaced by calm . Peace at last ! I felt Teja was near by somewhere.I could hear him call out to me.
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At a distance,I stood observing my friend Dara intently.. I had questions .The old tree was talking to me again and he told me that the transition was going to be peaceful.It was quick for me and I hoped for the same for my friend too. It was just a matter of time .
It would be nice to meet Dara again.
The tunnel came to an end after what seemed like an eternity and together we emerged out in the open.I ran for my life for a considerable distance before I came to a halt to catch my breath. The fort was far behind me and I realized that I was standing on mud track with tyre marks.I felt hopeful suddenly.
The night was cold and wet and hitch hiking was not a very good idea but did I have a choice? I waited for a while in the night and then decided to walk fast in a direction that seemed logical to me at that moment. I prayed hard and kept on walking at a brisk pace .The sounds familiar and unfamiliar scared me but the biggest fear in life is that of an approaching end of that very life.I realized that day that I was not ready to leave this earth yet. I loved life too much to let go easily so I tumbled along where the path and the night took me.
The silence was broken by a faint sound of something approaching from behind .I was tempted to turn back and investigate but resisted . The rattling noise was very close now and soon I saw that a small car was trudging along the path at an excruciatingly slow speed.I could not believe my luck and jumped inside the car without asking or waiting for the driver's approval. Relief,fear,sadness,I was a mixed bag of emotions ,I hunched ,put my head down and let my tears flow .After a while I looked up to see where we were heading.I remembered Teja and wondered whether he was dead or alive.
Oh my God! There was no one at the wheel ! The car was ambling along the road on its own! A sharp turn and my heart leapt into my mouth as a deathly white hand steered the wheel to negotiate the turn.Unable to take it any longer and paralysed with fear,I took my chance at the next turn and kicked the door open to jump out. I ran with whatever strength had remained in my body to reach the next village.The dhaba owner was kind ,he gave me some food to eat and a charpai to sleep .Shera and I were inseparable now.
I had barely closed my eyes when I heard a voice behind -"isn't he that thankless guy who took a lift from us and ran away without paying ?"
I felt a sudden chill down my spine.I shut my eyes real tight and felt a slight tap on my forehead and strangely I felt light,very light .I was beyond felling anything any more. Suddenly ,all became very clear in my mind. The fear had been replaced by calm . Peace at last ! I felt Teja was near by somewhere.I could hear him call out to me.
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At a distance,I stood observing my friend Dara intently.. I had questions .The old tree was talking to me again and he told me that the transition was going to be peaceful.It was quick for me and I hoped for the same for my friend too. It was just a matter of time .
It would be nice to meet Dara again.
A bit of a psycho-thriller. I liked the idea of the chess-like puzzle. A very good attempt.
ReplyDeleteSome observations :
ReplyDeleteA good premise,build up and scene construction.
I liked the flow of the narration.
Perhaps a third person singular view could've made it more taut.
You could do with less cliches in expressions.Instead make the scene speak for itself.
Bandipur has no central jail - unless you meant it to be a fictional town.Sometimes,writing fiction has to have some elements of reality for the reader to make it more real.
Some sentence construction and grammar needs rephrasing and attention respectively.
Overall - I enjoyed the plot,the character sketch and basic premise of the story.
I loved the initial scene construction. It was really vivid and visual It had all the usual elements of horror but did not really scare - it felt more like delicious dark fantasy (Twilight kinds but not so cheesy say) than horror. I do not know if others also felt the same but as a die hard fan of all fantasy it felt that way to me. After all the wonderful build up, I was disappointed to see this turn out to be a premise similar to that old Facebook post that used to circulate some time back. Somehow I felt it did not fit. So overall I would say you have good skills for narrating horror but need more work on getting the plot right.
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteThere is a fair element of horror in your story.
You started it in present tense and then switched to past tense from the second paragraph.
Overall, the narration is quite good especially in the initial paragraphs.
The part about Teja acting strangely , talking to himself and his black cat coming back set the mood correctly for a horror story. But towards the end, it kind of loses that grip and comes to a hurried finish. The last paragraph again was quite good especially the note from Teja.
The part about moving chess pieces does seem more like fantasy like 'Harry Potter' or so.
You do have good narrative skills as evident in many parts of the story but the the second half does not seem to be on par with the initial parts of the story.
A good attempt overall. With practise I think you can really weave out lovely horror stories.
I agree with Jaish on all points. The built up was good but the story fell flat as it progressed.
ReplyDeleteAgain the chess puzzle and the car seemed straight from Harry Potter to me as well.
But a very good attempt indeed. It is better than many entries I would say.
I feel that for me, what worked well was the mood you brought out in the first part. The other thief being a little loony and philosophical and such set the tone for something to happen, but what did happen was more fantasy, and for a Harry Potter fan, the chess pieces and the car was right out of the first two books, so it was known and it created more intrigue than horror.
ReplyDeleteAnd also, I would suggest you look at the presentation aspects more, because the narration is quite good. Places like "Something about him is not normal.I have seen many ugly faces but this one is not normal." where the repetition of "not normal" doesn't work, or dialogues without quotation marks, words like disbelieving split into two, and just typo errors or grammatical mistakes... for instance, the start is in present tense, and then switch to past, and somewhere later, its back to present etc. Some places, these things are lost in the flow/power of narration but when it stands out, it creates a void.
Good first attempt indeed.