Author Name: Snuffles Jay
Author Intro: Snuffles Jay, 23, female, Mumbaiite, is a personal blogger. She writes her experiences, random topics, fiction, and poems and makes unique creations. Most of her creativity is up on her blog aka Meow Connect. Check outhttp://meowconnect.blogspot.
Story:
Characters:
Krish Singhania as the Beast
Alisha Sarkar as Beauty
Sarav as Krish’s Personal Assistant and a mediator between Krish and outer world.
Krish:
“Why can’t people see that I am a human first?” I muttered to myself. I have been living like a thief in my own castle. How I wish my parents were not killed in that twist of fate. How I wish to I could find a cure to my condition. How I wish…I wish…
“Sarav, SARAV!” I barked out to my PA. Sarav, the only man I could trust. My loyal aide right from the day I saved him from the local mafia, a married humble man who knows how to handle my anger.
“Yes Sir, How may I help you?” a sober voice spoke from behind me.
“Do I look like an Alien?” I asked him.
“No Sir, my apologies but who said so?” asked.
“I was out to shoo those vicious wolves that got close to the child in the park and…”
“She was a child, My Sir” pat came the reply.
“I KNOW! I know Sarav. But she shrieked out when she saw me, she said I am a monster from another world, an ALIEN”. I banged my fist on the wall. The tiny mirror fell down and shattered to pieces. The agony did not subside.
“You have a heart of Gold, master. She was too young to gauge your condition, my dear Master” said Sarav maintaining his calm. He was right. Maybe the child was just 5 or 6. Maybe that’s how they depict monsters in today’s TV Shows. Tanned skin, a strong voice and boils, blisters all over the body. DAMN MEDIA!
Alisha:
“Team, the news is true. We are being taken over. A multi-millionaire has offered to take over our services for an estimated 5 billion. The board has finalized the decision and the process will be initiated in this Fiscal Quarter. Soon, we become a part of bigger force and bigger challenges await us. We, the board, are glad to announce, KS Group Private Limited as our new Owner”
*applause
Whew, that was easy. Giving out decisions is my cup of tea as usual. I need to get to Mr. Sarav post the photo sessions. No one else knows about KS Group’s CEO. I wonder why he escapes my questions when I ask about the CEO. I know he is one of a kind; he doesn’t meet anyone at all. No one in the media or high society has seen him. Krish Singhania, the man, the brain behind KS Group, one of the largest local conglomerates. I am glad to be a part of the merger; I love this initiative as it provides ample growth to our company. But as usual, I would like to apply my personal connection with this new merger. I need to see this mysterious man. Ah, there is Mr. Sarav. Mr. KS I am on my way to thee.
Krish:
Sarav has come up with a tad strange request.
“Master, Alisha Sarkar, from the board of Directors of Tensing Chem. is adamant. She will not sign the clearance papers until she’s had a chat with you”
“Why does she want to meet me even after you have refused, or rather even after I have refused?”
“Apologies master, I have no idea. Please do not be angry. As usual, I have politely refused. And according to your orders, I have enquired about Ms. Alisha. She is a quite known to add her personal touch. She doesn’t interact for sake of something, she likes to build strong corporate bonds, which she believes, can be established via mutual chats and discussions. She believes it improves the scope of progress.”
“Women! She wants to have a chat eh? Let’s see what we can do”
Alisha:
“Mr. Sarav, come again?”
“Ms. Alisha, Master Krish has agreed to have a chat with you.”
“Are you serious? Good lord, I so wanted this interaction. Thanks a lot Mr. Sarav. So when is Mr. Krish coming to his new office? Today? Tomorrow?”
“Actually maam, He will be on a conference call”
“Conference? with whom?”
“I will be in the call too, Maam”
“Ok, answer this. I heard your master is a rich-jerk like a geeky-nerd, with big glasses and weighs as much as around 200 pounds, is that true?”
“No it isn’t Maam, Mr. Krish does not have stable health. Thus he does not travel. He also has a short temper. I humbly request you, to please keep these details private.”
“Oh, alright. Then a call it is”
Damn, what a guy. But still, I am lucky. I managed to at least get on a chat with this guy. Hmm, maybe he has a sensitive body. And that’s why he is never out. It’s just his bold signature and money that he flashes everywhere.
*Next day conference call
“Hello Sir, this is Alisha Sarkar, Senior Management, Tensing Chem. Greetings for the day”
“Hello Ms. Alisha, This is Krish Singhania. Pleased to talk to you. So what was it that made you so adamant to have a chat with me?”
His voice, so clear, so manly, it swept me off my feet. I have never come across a man with such an amazing voice. What a superb peppery voice this tycoon has.
“Business, of course Mr. Krish. I have various ideas which I would like to discuss with you.”
Krish:
“Alisha is indeed very knowledgeable. She is a perfect combination of beauty, brilliance and wit. Sarav, she has plenty of ideas which we should implement.”
“Yes, master” Sarav said with a bright smile as he left the room. He knows me so well. Damn. It’s like he can read my eyes, my mind. I haven’t talked to any stranger since 2 decades. I have been smiling a lot lately. She has such a beautiful tone and grasps concepts so well. Though we haven’t shared quite personal details, yet she recollects every small point I have mentioned. She’s wonderful. She’s rather perfect. What a shame, I am not.
Alisha:
Krish is awesome. He fuses so easily with various qualities. Strategy, tactics, common sense, you name it and he has it. He’s so cool, calm and composed. At least, I haven’t seen his temper which Sarav had mentioned. There’s so much I am learning from him. He’s so down to earth. We have been discussing day-in-day-out lately. Well he does treat women well, that’s what it feels like. I think he’s rather cute. I like him. Why am I Blushing? Tee hee
Krish:
It’s been 3 days since we have started talking on personal stuff. Alisha. Alisha. Alisha. Does she blush when I take her name? She has shared her set of hobbies and other details. Sarav has been giggling a lot lately. He’s seen the change in me. My temper has reduced drastically. I like the person in the mirror. I love being on phone with her. Is she the girl of my dreams? Will she marry me and accept me the way I am? Will She? For now, let me go through the points again. Wait, what’s that? OH GOD, TODAY? NO WAY. NO. ALISHA NO.
“SARAV, START THE CAR”
Alisha:
Jeez, it’s been 3 days. My crush on him is increasing day-by-day. I love listening to his peppery voice. Especially when, he calls my name. Does he do it on purpose, can he see my blush? His hobbies and stuff are so similar to mine. Its 10 pm. What’s this lingering feeling? Gosh, I hope he finishes his dinner early. I so didn’t wanna end the call right now. I can sense him smile on the phone. I love reading out small jokes to him. I like him. I lo…voicemail? Something seems wrong; I felt I shouldn’t have kept the call. I can’t get through his voicemail and it’s been 30 minutes now. I have ordered to get connected through the reception and there’s no response. Sigh.
*Phone beeps, a voice message received
Ok, who’s sending a voice message so late in the night, Krish? Oh yes, it’s Krish. Let’s play it.
“Alisha, the bio-plant at level 2 square 3a is about to explode in exactly 10 minutes. It had a pre-set timer which has gone bust. On exploding, those not covered with insulation will be hit by the radiation and might cause skin issues forever. Vacate the premises. Get out as fast as you can. Call me when you are done. I love you.”
He loves me. He does love me. My tears won’t stop today. I am gonna hug him later and cry all night.
“SECURITY, RAISE ALARM, EMERGENCY, VACATE THE PREMISES, GET THE BIO-TEAM TO LEVEL2”
“Maam, please wear the insulation” said a team member. I didn’t care. We just kept running towards the plant. “I will, let’s get to the plant first”
“How much time left, 5 minutes Maam. You please stay in the glass watch chambers maam, please do not come down, we are short of insulation covers”
“WHAT? DAMN. FINE. All the best, Go, go, go. Security, give me an update”
“Roger: the premises have been vacated successfully; Fire brigade and the ambulance are on their way. MAAM, KRISH SIR’S CAR HAS JUST BARGED IN FROM THE SOUTH GATE”
“WHAT? STOP HIM, THERE ‘S NO INSULATION”
Krish:
I have never seen Sarav so tearful. I can’t help it. We were almost flying on our way here.
“Sarav, I need you out here, get the help, I need to go in, I can fix it.”
“Master…Please…Tell me how to do it...I shall...Master...Please...don’
“SARAV, TRUST ME, NOW GO! IT’S AN ORDER!”
I turned around and sprinted to the place. I have been well versed on the locations and maps, thanks to my darling Alisha. I just hope she is fine. Ah, there it is. Ah, the rescue team is here too. They are working on it. Great I’ll supervise. Wait, who’s in those glass chambers? ALISHA? Good grief NO! Those chambers are plain glass they might break.
“ALISHA, GET OUT OF THERE. IT’S DANGEROUS”
Alisha:
“Doctor, Please save him, and Please save Krishna” I wailed like a baby. Sarav looked at me wiping his tears, amazed how I knew his real name. The team could not stop the explosion, they were short of time. That tall beast-like athletic man, the voice who screamed my name, it was him. Krish. Krishna. His real name is Krishna Singhania. He was hit with direct radiation. I did scream out to him, I hope he heard what I said
“Krishna, I Love you.”
Good Lord, I love him, truly. Save him. Please.
Krish:
This is a dream. It can’t be true. I can’t believe it. The doctor just said that my boils and blisters have been cured. Thanks to the exposure, my bad skin peeled off.
“Thank you doctor”
“My pleasure Mr. Krish, all the best for a new look a new life”
*being wheeled out of the Operation theatre
Isn’t that Alisha and Sarav too? Thank god they are alive. But they almost look dead tired. Did Sarav just drop his things? Why is he running to me? He is happy I guess? My poor loyal aide, He deserves hug. Wait, Is my face disfigured yet?
“Master, you look just like your father” he said as he embraced me.
“Thank you Sarav, my dear friend”
“And what about me” said my darling tearful Alisha and all I could do was stretch my arms out to her from the bed. A tight hug and then it is happily ever after.
THE END
Frankly speaking when I glanced through the story first, all I could see was names of characters and I thought you have spoiled it. But when I read it in detail, I could not stop myself and read the entire story in one sitting. I loved this style of narrating. There are flaws, though, and with practice, I'm sure you would master it. I'd like to give to the point blank feedback now (and don't kill me for this): -
ReplyDeleteWhat I loved: -
1. The narration style
2. When Alisha and speak talk for the first time, you have avoided the unnecessary detailing of their conversation keeping the theme and flow of the story intact.
3. The real sixer was the revelation of the real name, Krishna. This small twist simply showed how close they had become by this time.
Improvement/Correction areas: -
1. There are few grammatical mistakes. E.g. "How I wish to I could find a cure to my condition." To is not required here.
2. "You have a heart of Gold, master. She was too young to gauge your condition, my dear Master". The use of master looked odd to me. If the story is set in modern days, it should have been boss or sir, but that's a personal perception.
3. "Maybe the child was just 5 or 6. Maybe that’s how they depict monsters in today’s TV Shows." Needs improvement. It might have been like this. It may be because...
4. "No one else knows about KS Group’s CEO. I wonder why he escapes my questions when I ask about the CEO. I know he is one of a kind; he doesn’t meet anyone at all. No one in the media or high society has seen him." Here it was not clear who was being talking about; Krish or Sarav.
5. In the third section, I felt that Krish agreed to meet too easily. He is a super-rich person, still even media has not been able to catch hold of him. There should be a solid reason why he should agree to meet Alisha.
6. In the 4th section, I felt that suddenly the first person narration changes to the kind of third person. Somehow it lacked the flow.
7. "She is a perfect combination of beauty, brilliance and wit." How does he know that she is beautiful when they were on chat and have not met yet.
8. "I like him. I lo…voicemail? Something seems wrong; I felt I shouldn’t have kept the call." Alisha is thinking and suddenly she starts narrating.
9. "I have ordered to get connected through the reception and there’s no response." It should be requested and not ordered.
Animesh:
DeleteThank you from the bottom of my heart for the review :D
Yes, I will surely get better now. And please do read the edited version of my post on my blog on 04th May 2013
There were indeed many (seriosly many) things which were all in my head but not the file :/ I completly regret that. Like Sarav giving alisha's photo when he says he has found out info. and krish doing damadol for the meet.There are ample proofreading mistakes too, I am geared up for it
Please tell me 4th section is which section?
Please ignore my typos in my comments. I wrote it from office and had to look for my boss every 5 minutes :(
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked in this story was the simple narration and by heading each paragraph with the character names, it avoided confusion as to who is narrating the story. I also loved the way you have interpreted the original Beauty and Beast story and retold it with a contemporary touch. For example the way Krish was transformed into his original self after the explosion of the bio-plant.
ReplyDeleteAbout the grammatical mistakes, I think Animesh has pointed out most of them, although I think some of them are proofreading mistakes, like the below statement-
“She is a quite known to add her personal touch.”
"She is a perfect combination of beauty, brilliance and wit." -Krish had never met Alisha but he still thinks of her as beautiful (as Animesh pointed out in his feedback). Also, when Krish enters the bio-plant, he immediately recognizes Alisha. Maybe this statement could have been supported by a statement in previous paragraphs-like for example, Krish sees Alisha’s photo from the company website and therefore he recognizes her.
Also, I agree with Animesh about the part Sarav referring Krish as Master. It does seem out-of-place in the modern tale.
Overall, I liked the story-it was simple and well told. Except for the few grammatical and editing glitches this story is a wonderful modern-rendition of the old fable.
Prasanna:
DeleteThank you so mcuh for the review :D
Please do read the edited version of my post on my blog on 04th May 2013
Yes proofreading mistakes were a facepalm moment for me here!
There were indeed many (seriosly many) things which were all in my head but not the file :/ I completly regret that.
Thanks a lot, will keep your tips in mind
Hi
ReplyDeleteA very good plot here. And quite a good narration.
"I heard your master is a rich-jerk like a geeky-nerd, with big glasses and weighs as much as around 200 pounds, is that true" Will a person about to strike a business deal with someone speak of him like this?
Also, Alisha is shown as a strict no-nonsense business woman in the first para. Then suddenly she turns all school-girlish with 'He is cute' etc. I feel the transition from the former to the girl in love was a little too sudden?
The idea of bio plant radiation was simply superb!
Thank you so mcuh for the review :D
DeletePlease do read the edited version of my post on my blog on 04th May 2013
There were indeed many (seriosly many) things which were all in my head but not the file :/ I completly regret that.
Thanks a lot. Meow.
Overall it was a very interesting reading. Your narrative style though unconventional was quite engaging. The conflict establisher worked quite well. The transformation without magic was rather creative.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of areas for improvement, as everyone said more focus needed on grammar. Kirsh talking about marriage was too early even before she had seen him.
Yours story deviated the most from the original story. Except for the hero being the beast and transforming in the end, it is not the beauty and beast story at all because she never knew that he was ugly. By the time she sees him, he has transformed. That way the essence of the original story is gone. But if this was really inspired by that story, well and good. The purpose of retelling exercises is to get plot ideas from old tales when you can't think new ones of your own. So still fine even if plot deviates a lot from the original but can still stand nicely on its own.
TF:
DeleteI was waiting eagerly for your review!
There were indeed many (seriosly many) things which were all in my head but not the file :/ grammatical errors too.I completly regret that.
I actually realized the deviation now when you have pointed it out! Jeez, I missed it bad!
Thanks a lot for review TF!
Please do read the edited version of my post on my blog on 04th May 2013
This is a really good romantic story.
ReplyDeleteTrue, it has strayed out of the main plot of the story.
Alisha's character could have been more descriptive.
The others have said it all.
Thanks for the participation.
Janu:
DeleteThank you so much for the review :D
Will keep your tips in mind
Please do read the edited version of my post on my blog on 04th May 2013
Hey there!
ReplyDeleteThat's a very well narrated story. I loved the pace through-out and the simplicity you achieved by keeping the characters to a minimum.
The opening, though, fell short of my expectations. As mentioned in the rules of the exercise, the story should begin in conflict and end in the resolution of that conflict. Though you have provided a good opening to the story, it tends to be more on the mysterious side than on the conflict side. Also, it is a little too short for an entry which is to be judged on the basis of the opening.
Keeping that aside, I absolutely loved the way you applied the theme of a fairy tale to a modern day setting, keeping the element of 'happily-ever-after' and 'love-triumphs' intact. This is some good thinking. You have good command over the language. You've structured your story well with good dialogue between the three main characters. However, you could've described the characters a little better. One can't imagine Krish's grotesque appearance too well through the introductory paragraphs.
And of course, the transition from 'Krish' to 'Krishna' was a master stroke: in a way implying his metamorphosis much before the radiation got to him.
All in all, good work, I would love to read more from you.
Thank you!
Medha:
DeleteThe rainbow lady, thanks a lot for the review :D
I will surely keep your tips in mind.
Please do read the edited version of my post on my blog on 04th May 2013
Meow
Enjoyed reading the story. Stand-alone, works quite well. Deviated quite a bit from the plot (falling in love with the voice, not having met him - so she never really sees as the Beast), but it's still good :)
ReplyDeleteDeepa:
DeleteThanks a ton for the review :D
Please do read the edited version of my post on my blog on 04th May 2013
Meow