Author : Indolent Insomniac
About The Author
Indolent
Insomniac. I guess, that sums it up. But still, I'll give out some information
about myself. I'm an engineering student who is an ardent TV and movie buff,
who loves to read and (now) write fiction. I've been trying to write (read
fumbling with writing) fiction for quite some time now, and hope that this
workshop will help me improve as a fiction writer, which means I'm open to
constructive criticism. Oh and I'm the proud owner of two blogs, namely Semi
Coherent Ramblings and such (personal) and Fictitious Fables (fiction and story
telling). And I love music and Harry Potter (the books and NOT the movies).
Happy Blogging and HappyReading .
Happy Blogging and Happy
NightQueen
wandered through the plains of Sholazar. She and her allies were looking for
some Hyldnir to kill.
Night
Queen was a level 79 Blood-elf Mage (spell-caster) along with her allies
consisting of hunters (ranged weaponry and beast taming), druids
(metamorphosis) and rogues (Stealth and melee). She was on the verge of her
last quest to level up and become a fully-fledged level 80 Mage which unlocks a
plethora of spells and attacks.
The
entire faction followed NightQueen because of her decision making and because
of the fact that she could easily kick each of their butts in combat with ease.
NightQueen
led her faction into the Brunnhildar Village where
the Hyldnirs were found in abundance. As they progressed into the village, as
surreptitiously as they can, they spotted a Hyldnir oblivious to their arrival.
Quick as she was, NightQueen spotted two others, not far away. But sadly, the
same could not be said about other members of her clique.
Before
she could communicate with the others, one of them, a druid called BlackHand,
whose powers include transformation, quickly altered into a bear and launched
an all-out attack on the unwary Hyldnir.
Now,
the faction always remained a group and they always had each other’s back.
NightQueen didn’t even have to order the others to attack; they were already
onto the comparatively huge Hyldnir.
Hyldnirs
are basically troll Death Knights that attack through melee. They have the
strength to easily decapitate anyone foolish enough to go near them with a mere
swish of their maces. Druids have the advantage of transfiguration, due to
which they can easily turn into flight forms and continue the attack.
While
this attack was mounting, the other two Hyldnirs came to the rescue of this
one. NightQueen was afraid of this. She knew she could handle one Hyldnir, but
she had her doubts about two.
They
fought valiantly, but the emotions each one of them carried were mixed. Some
cursed BlackHand, while some thought of retreat. But NightQueen wasn’t one to
give up. But after a while of gruesome battle, she knew. She knew that it was a
losing battle. They had managed to silence only one of the trolls, whereas she
had already lost two of her allies.
Meanwhile
Strider was ambling through the Dark Forests of Numengrad. He was trying to get
as many factions as possible for his guild to attack the vast army of the
Ungrads. He had already won over nine such guilds and was hoping to find some
more, as he was in dire need of paladins and healers.
Strider
was a level 82 Blood Elf Warlock. His powers included Dark Arts and spell
casting to enslave other beasts. He could also summon minions out of thin air and
make them do his bidding.
He
had already captured two demons and had enough mana to summon an entire army of
minions. He usually rode on his mount which was a Dreadsteed (A horse-like
animal with horns and fire erupting from its hooves and tail), which gave him
more speed.
As
he wandered around the forests, looking for factions to join him in his quest,
his map showed a red blinking dot, which usually meant an undergoing fight. But
this was in the neighbouring village of Brunnhildar .
And he did not have his trusted guild members with him either.
He
decided to go help whoever it was regardless of his situation. He figured, that
even if he lost the battle, he may gain trust in the faction and thus maybe he
could make his grand total to a ten.
NightQueen
had lost two more from her faction. Now the battle was between three of them
and one fully strengthened troll. She too, had thought about retreating and
coming back with everyone’s mana and strength replenished, but that would mean
accepting defeat, and she was not one to do that. They had managed to slay two
of the trolls at the cost of four of her guild mates, and almost exhausting her
mana completely. If her mana was empty, she would be useless, for she would be
brought down to doing melee attacks only, which was a weakness for her.
The
troll swished his mace one more time, to kill one more of her comrades. As if
on cue, Strider came into the scene riding magnificently on his Dreadsteed,
with an army of his minions, to help the proverbial damsel-in-distress.
The
minions and Strider kept the troll busy while she replenished her mana and then
joined the fray. Two of her comrades were back after they’d been re-spawned in
the Valley of the Dead. And they finally managed to exterminate the troll and
thus level up. Strider didn’t take any of the mana or the goods as he didn’t
need any. NightQueen thanked him and accepted his offer to join his guild
against the unruly Ungrads.
She
had observed him tackle the troll and the way he had ordered the minions to go
in simultaneous batches, and how he retreated the first batch when they were
exhausted, sent in the second batch and so on. She was highly impressed by his
tactics and his leadership qualities. The chivalry he portrayed in not
accepting any of the goods or the mana helped her in making her decision to
join forces with him.
***************************************************************
Meghana
walked into the huge DLF building with her briefcase in one hand and her daily
morning coffee in the other. This was the daily routine of the MBA graduate
from one of the premier B-schools of the country. The receptionist greeted her
with a “Good Morning ma’am” to which she nodded and walked to the elevator with
an air of superiority that bordered on arrogance. She walked into her office
without so much as a “Hello” to her subordinate co-workers.
Meghana
was the vice president of her company. A position she prided upon. The only
respect she had for anyone in the office was for her superior and the CEO of
the company, to who she reported to. Her behaviour to her subordinates
notwithstanding, she had immense focus on her career and complete faith in her
analytic and strategic manoeuvres as a vice-president.
Priyanka,
her assistant, had reached office half an hour prior to her arrival. She went
into her boss’ office to get her assignments for the day. Meghana efficiently
assigned the tasks looking at her computer not even bothering to give Priyanka
as much as a look.
Priyanka
nodded as she noted down her assignments and left. She was working on some
analytical numbers when she hit a snag. Instead of reporting this, which would
result in an embarrassing scene, she decided to call Arup, who apparently had a
solution to every problem.
Arup
was a thirty-two year old (which incidentally was Meghana’s age) who had to
drop out of college due to familial pressures and had to obtain a degree
through correspondence, and thus earned a job as an assistant technician in the
company. He had to struggle his way up to the senior IT technician position he
was currently in.
Arup
came into the office and went straight over to Priyanka’s desk, to look over
the setback. He realised the problem immediately and set up a proxy IP address,
in order to solve it. He smiled at Priyanka and nodded to her appreciation.
As
he walked over to go back to his station, he noticed Harish, a software tester
playing online scrabble.
“You
know, you could add a ‘pre’ to ‘requisite’ and get a triple word” Arup said.
“Huh?!”
Harish looked startled.
Arup
smiled and winked at Harish and went back to his station to get back to his job.
Soon
enough he got another call. This time it was from the boss. Meghana had trouble
connecting to the main server and had called Arup. As he went over to her
cabin, he smiled at Harish who mouthed “Best of Luck!”
“Umm…
Did you type the password correctly, ma’am?” he asked Meghana after listening
to her complaint that she couldn’t access the server.
“Of
course, I typed the password correctly! How stupid do you think I am?” she
retorted angrily at what she thought to be mocking.
“Sorry
ma’am, I didn’t mean that. We changed the passwords of the server last night
and had sent everyone an email regarding the same. I was just wondering whether
you had forgotten…” he looked at her slightly embarrassed but with confidence.
“Oh,
okay. Yeah, maybe…” she replied sounding sheepish.
“Is
that it, ma’am?”
“Yes
that’d be all. You may go now.” She replied curtly.
“It
wouldn’t kill you to say ‘thanks’” he muttered to himself on his way out.
***************************************************************
NightQueen
and Strider completed many quests before they reached their final destination.
In each of the quests, both of them had each other’s backs. Strider was far more
advanced, technically and strategically planning each and every move. The
respect and adoration NightQueen had had for Strider only increased with each
quest. By the end of their journey, she practically revered Strider.
She
was taken aback at the size of the clan Strider commanded. There were at least
11 factions, standing ready, awaiting orders. Each faction either as big as or
vaster than her own.
Strider
rode up to the front and sent out their battle plan. The plan, as expected by
NightQueen, was fool proof. Every contingency was meticulously planned out by
their remarkable leader. And the way he communicated was such that every single
person in every single faction understood their duties. If this couldn’t win
them the quest, then nothing could.
Strider
commenced the battle by leading from the front, followed by his own faction.
The battle went on for hours, where people died, re-spawned and came back and
fought again. There were times when Strider had to break his plan and rescue
some other people, who would’ve otherwise cost a lot of damage and man-power.
Healers needed to be healed, mana was to be supplied, minions were sent to help
those whose energies were down, and many more such obstacles to be crossed in
order to win this battle against the Ungrads. NightQueen had helped whenever
she could, but Strider was written all over the battlefield. He had performed
advanced magic and conjured demons to do his bidding, while his minions kept
the Ungrads busy.
After
hours of fighting, the last Ungrad fell and victory was theirs! Everyone had
levelled up and this victory was to go down in the Hall of Fame of the best
battles in the virtual world.
**************************************************************
Arup
was a bit late showing up to office today. He wondered whether anyone would
notice.
Just
as he reached his seat, and had logged in, he got a call from the boss. He
fumbled on his way up to her office. He noticed Harish pointing to him and
slicing his throat with his hands, to indicate that she was going to kill him.
Arup
knocked on the door and asked permission to come in, and got it instantaneously.
“You
called, ma’am?” he asked, innocently.
“I’ve
been calling you since I got here. Where were you?” she asked, with a strong
tone.
“Umm…
I’m sorry ma’am I got up late and I…”
“Whatever.
Don’t repeat it again.” She said without waiting for an answer. “Why is it that
I don’t get my mail when I want it?” she continued.
“What
is the problem ma’am?” he asked, confused.
“The
problem is, my mail client has decided not to show me my mails anymore” she
answered with a gesture that screamed annoyance.
“Oh…
may I?” Arup asked pointing to her laptop, asking permission to work on it.
She
gave him an inviting gesture, giving him permission.
“Umm…
Your hard drive seems to be full ma’am” he said after opening her explorer.
“No,
it isn’t. I have around 20 GB of free space. Here look” she said, showing him
the free space.
“No
ma’am, I meant in your primary hard-drive. The one in which your mail is stored.
May I?” he explained and asked permission to open the directory.
“Yeah,
go ahead” she replied.
“Oh!
It’s mainly because of this game! It is a huge game, but a good one at that!”
he said, concealing a smile.
“Hmm…
You play? What are you, a level 10 dwarf?” she chuckled at her own joke.
“No
ma’am, I’m a level 82 warlock” he replied, this time not bothering to
camouflage his smile.
She
looked at him as though lightning had struck her.
But
it can’t be! Strider is so much cleverer and wilier. Arup can’t be Strider. Can
he? Strider has to be someone far better than this guy! He’s an IT technician
for crying out loud!
“And
what quest did you complete recently?” she asked, half expecting an answer that
would confirm her notion.
“Well,
I and my clan just defeated the Ungrads to go into the Hall of fame!” he
replied as his face lit up with jubilation.
But
how could he? I always thought…
“Ma’am?”
“Yeah”
she replied with a jolt, as she was disturbed from her line of thought.
“I
asked, what character do you play?” he repeated his question, a bit
apprehensively.
“I’m
Nigh… umm… It’s none of your business” she replied sounding a bit shaken but
aggressive.
Awkward
silence followed, as both of them contemplated over the recent turn of events.
“Right…
umm… I’ve downloaded and installed this software” Arup said returning to
reality first, “All you have to do is run it and it will clean up some free
space.”
“Yeah,
right. I’ll… umm… I’ll do that” Meghana replied, seeming flustered.
“Is
that all, ma’am?” he asked.
“Yes
that’s all, Arup” she replied.
As
he turned to leave, she called him back.
“Umm…
Arup… thank you!” she said and Arup felt like she really meant it which left
him flabbergasted.
He
tried to smile through his bewilderment which resulted in a weird facial
expression that made him look as if he was constipated.
He
closed the door behind him and stood on the doorway, thinking about what just
happened. Unable to make any sense out it, “Women and their god-damned mood
swings!” he chuckled to himself as he set out to his desk.
I loved the description of the game. You are obviously a gamer.I like the way you started the narrative with the game. They way you have managed scenes is very good. Your language is nice and you have tried to make conversations sound realistic. What can be improved is flow. I found it jerky at places. Wherever possible you have used show instead of tell, which is good. But it is not feeling so natural. It feels a bit contrived. But I guess that comes with practice.
ReplyDeleteOverall I loved it. Just finding faults just for the heck of it as it is supposed to be a critique.
Hehehe appreciate the honesty!! :D
DeleteAnd even I felt the flow could have been smoother. But the word limit posed a challenge and I had to limit myself. Otherwise, believe me, I could have gone on and on!
And yes I am a gamer!! :D
Thanks a lot TF!!
Very good attempt indeed, II ! Very little to actually criticize but there were a few points of improvement.
ReplyDelete1. I am no gamer and I have no idea how apparent is the fact that it is a game that you are describing to start with. Quite a few readers tend to feel that it is a fantasy they will be reading (game-based or otherwise) with a beginning like this and then feel let down when they see that the story is all about a modern setting. To make the story more appealing, it would be better to create an interesting fantasy tale in the game setting also. Meaning, at least, a clash of personalities in that part. I know the word limit here is an issue :)
2. I would have loved a bit more detail in the change of heart of Meghana - the way she reacted and all was perfect but just a bit more description about what thought process lead her to say that 'Thank You' :)
3. Some points on English (maybe only editing issues) : 'as surreptitiously as they could', 'ongoing fight', 'might gain trust' would be more appropriate.
Those, as TF says, are there because you are supposed to get a critique :)
Ohh...okk...I get it now!! The past tense!! Silly me!! Sorry and thanks once again!! :D
DeleteWow!! Umm...I never looked at it that way. Maybe because I'm a gamer myself, I never thought that it wasn't obvious. I did incorporate maps and levels to suggest that it was a game, but any ways I'll try to make it more obvious next time.
ReplyDeleteYea... I felt that about Meghana's reaction too. But again I had delete a whole paragraph due to word limit constraints.
I'm not sure I follow on the English front. Could you please elaborate. I mean, I know ongoing fight could've been "ongoing battle", but the rest are still unclear.
Hehehe thanks nonetheless CS!! :D
Hi II! You have 'undergoing fight' instead of 'ongoing fight'!!
DeleteYou have 'as surreptitiously as they can' - it should be 'could' and not 'can'.
Likewise, you have '..may gain trust' instead of '...might gain trust'.
Not necessarily incorrect usage, just that this is more appropriate. Maybe it is my personal taste :)
Oh! And btw I did not mean that it needed to be made clear that it was a game - there are enough game-based fantasy stories and novels - so either it must come upfront that this is not one of them or you should also hv an interesting game-related fantasy story in the game part.
DeleteYeah..I got the first part after going through it twice!! Hehehe...And you are right. It was meant to be past tense and silly me!!
DeleteI thought I did!! The quest thing!! I introduced with that to show how NightQueen a.k.a Meghana respected and revered Strider. And I admit I got a bit carried away with the game stuff, but it was like asking a dog to write about a bone!! ;)
What makes a story is a clash of personalities! Either, the game portion has Meghana first resenting and then revering Strider over a period or there is a strong opponent who is difficult to overcome. I did not mean that there was no fantasy story but that what was there was probably not interesting enough to stand by itself!
DeleteLike I mentioned earlier, the story is very good indeed - all the comments are only intended to add polish if possible.
And, yes, I thought it was more lack of editing that caused those minor English glitches :)
True... But the word limit really is a thorn!! ;)
DeleteHehehe...lack of editing...i sent you the mail at 3:45 AM!! ;) :P
Yeah! My point of view is that if the game part cannot be a stand-alone story, it is better to start with the real life end, so that there is no let down of expectations. Understand, that is only a view point not a criticism :)
DeleteHmm...I guess you're right!!
DeleteThis has been so much fun! I've learnt so much already!! :D
Thanks CS and TF!!
Hi
ReplyDeleteGood narration esp on the game part.
I feel that when you write fantasy fiction, having too many terms related to fantasy could confuse the reader a bit or make him/her loose the hold over the story(esp in a shortstory). Maybe its because I dont read too much fantasy (except HP which I also love :) )
One more point in English - You have mentioned 'I and my clan' in one place. 'I' usually comes last - 'My clan and I ' is more appropriate - Suresh, correct me if I am wrong on this one!
You are right, Jaish! :)
DeleteHmm...I thought of that too! Which is why I decided to explain most of the terminology in brackets. But I guess I did get a bit carried away, considering my fascination for MMORPGs. I will try not to hereafter.
DeleteAnd thanks for clearing the English part up. My bad :D
II
One thing evident is that you are a game-addict. The game scenes were portrayed evidently and exceptionally well. Though not a big fan of MMORPGs, I do love the SPS games. One thing that I would like to point out is that I was suddenly transported from the fantasy world into the modern world real quick. It could have been more subtle. Also, as pointed out by CS, Meghana's reaction could have been displayed more effectively. But all in all, a great take on the prompt. :)
ReplyDeleteHehehe yeah!!! I love all kinds of games - FPS, SPS, MMORPGs, RPGs, Sport oriented games (Fifa 13 !!!), etc. etc.
DeleteHmm.... the transportation thing. I meant for it to be taken as isolated incidents. But since you knew the plot, it didn't work out very well.
And about Meghana's reaaction, I'd written a whole paragraph only to realize that I had crossed the word limit. So instead of formatting the game part, I formatted this. I guess, I should get my priorities right!! ;)
Thanks a lot for the review Harshal!! :D
Ups
ReplyDeleteExperts have already mentioned them.
Downs
1. her superior - 'superior' should only be used as an adj
2. to who she reported to - double use of 'to'
3. give Priyanka as much as a look - I think 'as much as' is not suitable here. It could have been replaced with 'even'
4. Priyanka nodded as she noted down her assignments and left - Don't you think a 'nod' is only required in case we look at each other while talking? 'nod' is an action verb and not appropriately used here.
5. a thirty-two year old - A noun is missing here (since you have used an article).
There are a few more mistakes like this. Word selection is the area of improvement.
P.S - I did not read the description of the game at all. A very very personal approach. I hate online games :(
hmm...seems like I do have a lot to improve!! Thanks a lot Diwakar!
DeleteAnd to be frank, I'm a bit disappointed that you didn't even bother to go through the entire story.
But thanks for the corrections anyway!!
Note: Every point below to be taken in stride; none meant to offend.
ReplyDelete1. Impressive use of your gaming experience. Seems like you have gone the whole nine yards in listing out things like stealth, transformation, the names of the factions, enemy, what the characters were in the game etc.
2. DLF? LOL. Meghna's superiority and condescending attitude is well demonstrated through incidents like Priyankas, the hello etc. Only one point in that line; when you say she hit a snag, you could have mentioned technical snag. For a minute, I thought she hit a snag in the analysis of those numbers and decided to call Arup which doesn't make sense.
Software tester playing Online Scrabble. Now that seems like the inside of an IT firm alight! :) Looks like you're writing out of live examples!
3. Arup's character is sweet, helpful for scrabble, the wink, the muttering, sounds like the typical guy next door! LOL - his expressions as if he was constipated! Where do you get this stuff! I like the way she finds out that he is the Strider.
4. "As they progressed into the village, as surreptitiously as they can" - shouldn't it be 'as they could'. Can would indicate a future event in this context, do it if you can types. Suresh?
5. "whose powers include transformation, quickly altered into a bear" - I believe tenses are mixed up. Shouldn't it have been included instead of include?
6. This is probably not important but in most of the books I have read, the differentiating line is only made up of 3 stars *** and is center aligned.
Good post on the whole!
Deepa! Why ask me now? That is the first point in English that I have mentioned in my comment on this post :)
DeleteHmm! No one told me I had read others' comments before posting my own :P Fine fine! Point taken!
DeleteYou do not need to read other comments before commenting :) :) Only that when you call on my opinion maybe you could have seen if the opinion is already given :) :)
Delete1.Yea Gaming is my forte, so it didn't take much effort, as much as passion to write it.
Delete2. & 3. Hehehe... I thought of showing readers Meghana and Arup's characters rather than just telling them that he was friendly and she was a pain in the bum!
4. & 5. Yea... CS already mentioned that and yes, the tenses were mixed up. Sorry about that.
6.Hmm...come to think of it, I've seen it the same way. Will do so hereafter.
Thanks a lot for going through and providing review for my post.
Regards,
II
CS: Please don't kill me! Am backing off :) :) :)
Delete:)
Delete