Author: Mahesh Ramani
Story:
Meghana stared at the mirror – she pouted her lips and then
smiled. She was 32 but she did not look a day older than 25. Hazel eyes,
luscious jet-black hair, she was stunningly beautiful. Aggressive, ambitious
and fiercely independent, she was an electronics engineer with an MBA in
International Business from IIM-A. She was the vice-president of Integra
Solutions a leading player in the Indian I.T. sector with offices across the
globe.
Meghana’s no-nonsense approach was treated as haughtiness by
many and there was perhaps a shade of truth in it. Meghana had no friends at
work as she believed that work and pleasure did not mix. Her only
pressure-reliever was the MMORPG – ‘Invasion’. There she was – Warrior Princess
Xana and was part of an elite group of warriors headed by the enigmatic shadow
warrior Strider! If only she could find someone like the Strider in real life?
Meghana reported directly to the CEO and treated her
colleagues with careless disdain it was part of her demeanour – her philosophy
was – ‘Come what may! Work must get done!’ Her attitude had won her many
enemies over the years, people who could not bear the rise of the young college
beauty; as she rose from one post to the other with ruthless ease.
Arup was Integra’s ‘Network Support Engineer’ a simple
affable guy, always ready to help anyone with a smile. Arup understood the
meaning of ‘dignity of labour,’ his had been a story of hard work,
determination and perseverance. His father’s business had crumbled and unable
to bear the loss he had committed suicide; with two younger siblings and his
mother to take care of – Arup had dropped out of college and started at Integra
as an office-boy.
The hunger to succeed and the willingness to learn propelled
Arup onwards; he assembled and dismantled discarded computer systems and became
a self-taught IT-specialist. Seeing his skills the IT head Mr. Dasgupta had
recommended the HR Manager – Mr. Niladri to promote Arup! It had been a wise
decision – Arup always thanked Mr. Dasgupta for his generosity and when Mr.
Dasgupta left to the USA
to work at the Rochester office;
Arup was given Mr. Dasgupta’s role at the Indian office.
Meghana walked into the conference room 20 minutes ahead of
schedule; it was a big day for her as well as Integra. The firm was on the verge
of a US$ 70 million deal with Markos Entertainment to create five animation
movies over the course of the next seven years. She had made a presentation
with ideas for a few of the animation movies and if the honchos from Markos
loved the concepts the deal would be signed!
She removed her Dell Inspiron laptop and attempted to start
it; the laptop refused to start as the power-indicator would glow for a second
and then switch-off. She attempted again as a sense of panic slowly began to
build and a mild throbbing started in her temples.
‘I cannot be defeated
today! Today I stand at the footsteps of glory – this deal has to go through –
you infernal piece of metal and processors and plastic start at my command!’
Unfortunately this was not the MMORPG world of ‘Invasion’
where warrior princess Xana would be guided by the Strider. This was a
real-world real-time problem and if it did not get solved in the next 10
minutes, she might probably lose her job!
Meghana called IT Support on 222 and she was greeted by ‘Hi
this is Arup, how can I help you?’ – She retorted in her trademark cold-hearted
voice ‘This is the VP here I need you to reach the conference room on level-6
right away; my laptop is not starting!’ With that she slammed the phone down!
Arup left his desk and went to the conference room; Meghana
looked at him and said ‘Stop staring at me this is the laptop – fix it!’ Arup
quickly dismantled the rear cover and took the battery out; he wiped it clean
with a soft cloth then he cleaned the battery-compartment and put the battery
in and replaced the rear cover.
He powered the laptop on – voila it worked! Meghana
grudgingly said thanks – Arup smiled and said ‘No worries madam I am always at
your service.’ He gave a mock bow and walked out. She smiled and this time with
genuine warmth!
The meeting went well and two of her four ideas caught the
fancy of the honchos from Markos Entertainment! The deal went through and a
memorandum of understanding was also signed!
All in all it was a successful day for Meghana!
Meghana reached home; showered, cooked up some pasta and
then proceeded to become Xana. It was a critical night the rival faction had
eaten into the defences of Strider’s troops and the hill-fort could be taken
over. The internal messenger flashed – Strider calling all troops – Xana you
take the western flank, Vyom you handle the south. I will handle the frontal
attackers!
Then followed a mesmerizing Chakravyuh of attacking warfare
as Strider lured the enemies and slaughtered them with a vigorous assault
marshalling his troops admirably and with able support from Xana and Vyom.
Meghana who could not help marvelling at the brilliance of
the Strider and his knowledge of game-play and strategizing. Who would Strider
be in real life? A man or a woman or some 15-year old kid who was a gaming
freak!
The night’s gaming was done the enemy had been annihilated!
Meghana reached office the next day with a sense of
accomplishment her curiosity was kindled and she was now obsessed on finding
the identity of the Strider! She had skipped her breakfast and was feeling
hungry; she decided to go down to the cafeteria to grab a bite.
As she grabbed her sandwiches and cold coffee on her tray;
she decided to find a table to sit and eat. As she turned she noticed a familiar
blue logo on a laptop screen. It was the ‘Invasion’ logo! Meghana could not
suppress a smile; would this be her lucky day. She noticed a man huddled on to
the chair focussing on the gaming screen and handling the control-pads with
ease.
She walked up slowly and stared at the screen in surprise it
was indeed the Strider! She tapped him on the shoulder gently saying ‘Hi’.
He turned around with a smile and Meghana was shocked to see
Arup!
Meghana introduced herself sheepishly – ‘Strider, I am
Warrior Princess Xana!’
Arup replied with an impish grin – ‘The pleasure is mine my
dear princess!’
Mahesh! A creditable attempt.
ReplyDeleteYou have deviated from meghana's character, however! She is supposed to assume that strategic capabilities are the province of head corporate honchos - and you make her even think of 15 year old kids as possible Striders! Not much disdain for Arup as a low-level flunky since she smiles at him with genuine warmth when he gets her job done.
Without that edge of antagonism initially, there is no punch in the revelation of the Strider identity.
As for English - 'lusciously' means 'good to eat' and is seldom applied to hair - lips, yes!!
Also, you need to devote more time to punctuation and sentence construction. You have semi-colons where you need commas or full-stops etc. In fact, you err on the side of semi-colons :)
Well Mahesh. Good attempt. The real world descriptions were done well but the game world was kept skeletal. But as Suresh pointed out, it has come out quite bland. A story should have more intensity and conflict.
ReplyDeleteDear Suresh Sir and Karthik Sir,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your guidance and comments; yes wrong choice of 'luscious'; should have been silk-like tresses and luscious lips :)
I have zero exposure to MMORPG and am more of a physical gaming person! I wanted to write much more but the strong instruction that the story should end with Meghana's discovery of the Strider's real identity tied me down :(
Will attempt to improve for the next fiction-writing exercise - thanks again for your guidance and honest feedback:)
Character building needs incidents and not just words like 'his had been a story of hard work, determination and perseverance'... every facet needs to be backed up by accidental or deliberate description of little stories with a story.
ReplyDeleteTowards the end, the plot changes from the one we were supposed to follow...and thus the reader is simply told to believe something than creating an intrigue to make him interpret. Please remember that readers love to interpret.
So far as 'luscious' concerned... well, this is a seductive word and can be used for lips too...
Arvind Passey
www.passey.info
Dear Arvind Sir,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the valuable insight :) will definitely add more depth and descriptions in my next attempt.
Thanks,
Mahesh
www.vincimax.blogspot.com
That was a good story.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the revelation of Strider's identity lacks the drama this plot demands. Meghana has a crush on that guy, she cannot just go over and say 'hi' to him..there has to be some inner conflict that needs portrayal.
Thanks Medha :) I am waiting for the next writing challenge - perhaps I should be able to do justice to the plot!
ReplyDeleteups
ReplyDeleteExperts have already outlined that.
Downs
1. Elite - should only be used an a noun and not as an adjective.
2. Mr. Dasgupta left to the USA - 'leave for' should be used instead of 'leave to'
3. said thanks - or 'thanked him'?
4. cooked up some pasta - 'cook up' means 'to invent a story, excuse, or plan'
5. Meghana who could not help marvelling at the brilliance of the Strider and his knowledge of game-play and strategizing - 'who' should not be used here.
6. she grabbed her sandwiches and cold coffee on her tray - 'on her tray' or 'from her tray'?
Thanks Diwakar for the detailed inputs :)hopefully I will do better in the next edition!
ReplyDelete