Sunday, 30 September 2012

JUDGING BY THE COVER


Author: Leo

Author Introduction: What I am by profession doesn't matter, for I'm a writer, and a poet by choice, and by interest. Here breathes my passion, my hope, my dreams, and my world. Here I am fondly called by many as Leo, the poet, and my verses and occasional fictions spark at my blog, I Rhyme Without Reason. 

Story:

The sunlight fell through the open window behind her as she twirled the pencil in her hand absentmindedly.  Her eyes were closed, and a silhouette swam through her imagination. She saw him take the lead, and command her. She felt a rush as he directed her movements, and she knew he was right. She opened her eyes, smiling. It was unlike her to be distracted, that too at the office, but she couldn’t help it.

“Who are you? What do you look like? Where are you now?” Meghana whispered, hoping the answers would come from the silence surrounding her.

**********

Meghana wasn’t surprised when she looked at the clock. She had burned the midnight oil yet again, but there was no tiredness about her mind. On the contrary, she felt empowered, and felt she could accomplish anything she put her mind to. Yes, that was it.

As she changed to her night clothes, she recollected her quest. She had been at her deceptive best. Under her command, her faction had moved seamlessly, and surrounded the enemy camp. Once they were tricked by the impression that her team was going to attack from one direction, she had ordered the charge from the other, and overthrown them with relative ease.

Once again it was the same plan that had brought her the sweet scent of victory. It astonished her no doubt that her rivals never saw it coming.

“Amateurs, that’s what they are. No strategy at all in this world, they wouldn’t even have the push to reach to the top in their real life personas. I’m waiting. Soon it’s going to be all over. The world shall bow to the mind of the fabulous Fox,” she thought to herself.

The next time, she would be joining up with her clan. A battle would ensue, and she was sure victory would be theirs. She would be one of the leaders. She lay down on her bed, and continued staring at the ceiling, her feet tapping the mattress, eager to get back into the virtual world and dominate yet again.

**********

“Fifteen minutes? Do you think I have that kind of time? Oh no, you are sending someone over now,” she screamed into the phone, and slammed it down.

Five minutes later, one of the technicians knocked on the door, and entered. She looked at him, and got up from her chair. “He must be the new person,” she thought to herself.

“The system has stalled. I’ve tried accessing the task manager, but it’s no use. It just doesn’t open at all,” she told him.

He nodded, and checked the system quickly.

“Your C drive is having very little space. I’ll shift the documents that aren’t necessary to be in this drive to the other. Even the desktop is cluttered with too many icons and documents. Some free space for C drive should do the trick,” he told, continuing to work as he talked.

She let him finish, and gave him a courtesy nod as he made to leave.

“A ‘thanks’ wouldn’t hurt,” he whispered slowly, but quickly told “Nothing” when she enquired.

His file was on her desk, and she glanced through his resume once he had left the room.

“Arup Desai… interesting… from an office boy, to an IT technician… he’s worked his ass off I think. But he doesn’t have the skill set for further rise I think. The past will come to haunt him. Discontinuing his studies, big mistake… very big mistake,” she thought to herself.

Her mobile beeped, indicating a reminder.

“Fox going to be on fire tonight,” she read, and smiled. Yes, she was going to be the cynosure of the medieval world yet again. She was going to make it happen. And she couldn’t wait.

**********

“Spread out on the south side, the trap has been laid, the opposition has fallen for it,” she called out.

“Yes Fox,” her team responded, one by one.

She smiled. “Amateurs,” she told herself again.

When she reached her team, she was shocked. Their rivals had outsmarted them. They had stayed behind in large numbers and met her team, who were doing their best to hold their rivals off. But she knew they would soon be overwhelmed, and began to think of ways out.

“Fox, we need a new plan, please respond,” her team asked of her. But she was beginning to panic, and nothing flashed her mind at that moment. As she watched, her team was being cut one by one.

“Fox, take out the leader. Forget the others for now; look for the leader and take the player out,” Strider’s message came across. He was the leader of the clan, and she responded immediately. Looking for the rival’s leader, she entered the battle and began to fight valiantly.

Just as she took out the leader of her rivals, Strider and the other factions of the clan reached the village, and evened out the numbers. After the fall of their leader, the rivals strategy and morale seemed to have dipped, and though they fought with all their heart, their effort had decreased.

Fox saw that Strider’s calmness brought out the best in his troops, and after a long battle, the clan had won.

“Well done. Cheers to a successful quest,” he messaged.

Her respect and adoration for Strider had increased. As Fox signed out, she chided herself for losing her calm when her team needed her the most.

“Who are you, Strider? What do you look like? Where are you now?” she whispered again.

**********

It had happened again. Meghana stormed out of her room, and approached the new technician who had “fixed” the computer problem three days before.

“Mr. Desai, I am not having time to waste. I thought I made that clear to your reporting officer. My computer has got stalled again. If you would get it fixed properly this time, I’ll be kind not to report you. Come on. Hang up that damn phone call, and get it done. Now,” she barked at him.

Shaking his head, and keeping his composure, Arup told, “Chief AFP, be back in a while”, and hung up.

When he examined Meghana’s computer, the C drive was once again nearing full capacity.

“Ma’am, please listen to me. The problem will repeat as long as you keep using this drive for all your work. Documents, presentations, videos, music… all such things, please store it in the other drives, so this won’t get to full capacity”, he told her.

She didn’t hear him completely.

“What is AFP? I know AFK is away from keyboard,” she asked him.

“You are a gamer? Surprising to hear that, ma’am,” he told. “AFP is Away from Phone. It’s just a casual expression my friend and I made up.”

“I see. I think you are a new player. If you need some tips on strategy, I can guide. I’m the leader of my faction,” she volunteered, eager to show her high position in that world too.

“Oh. That’s good. I’m not new though. I’m the leader of a clan. What faction do you lead?” he countered, not masking his delight at putting her down in some world finally.

“That’s not important now. You lead a clan? Which one? What’s your screen name?” she asked, stunned that this technician was on a higher level than her.

“I’m known as Strider in the medieval world, ma’am. May I know yours?” he smiled, “I’ve transferred unwanted files to the other drive. You’re set.”

“Oh thanks, now I can get this presentation done. For the afternoon’s meeting you know,” she said, and began browsing for the file.

As Arup walked out, she stopped pretending to search for the file, and looked at him walking away from the cabin.

“So the book can truly not be judged by the cover. Great gamers needn’t be above my skill set after all,” she thought to herself.

Picking up her glass of water, she raised a toast to the receding figure of Arup in the distance.

“Here’s to Strider, and more successful quests in his command,” she whispered and took a sip for the future.

*********************************

23 comments:

  1. I really liked the start. How the words were coined and all. The flow was smooth and intriguing as well as the way how the scenes differentiated. However, the ending was a bit abrupt, I guess. (only my views, they can be wrong)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No. You are right, Harshal. I saw the due date approaching and sent the story across sooner than I wanted to. I hope to solve that abruptness in the next edition. :)

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  2. @Leo - Harshal has hit the nail on the head. The beginning was excellent and it was coming on very nicely. Then suddenly you ended it too soon. The fact that Meghna talks about the game with Arup is unconvincing. Ppeople won't talk about their hobbies with someone they consider below their station. I am getting a feeling you lost patience and just wanted to end the story. In terms of word limit, you still had more than a 1000 words left. You could have taken the story at a more relaxed pace towards the end easily.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, I think that unconvincing part is due to the hurried ending. I was being patient with it till yesterday, then I realized the due date was nearing and thought I'll get it in rather than not participate at all. Glad you liked the beginning and development. I hope to do more justice to the story on an overall count the next time. I also guess that the plot of online gaming sort of flustered me a little, since I don't play strategy games online at all. Thank you for the read and the opinions :) and also for the plot.

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  3. You do that contemplative mood real well, Leo! That sets apart a story from you.

    As far as the story goes, I have the same thing to say as Harshal and TF. Difficult to see anyone, who is innately arrogant, opening up like this to someone whom she sees as far below her station.

    English: I am leaving out the dialogues here since, as ever, you are not supposed to be responsible for the inaccuracies of your character :) So I will not correct things like "I am not having time to waste" to "I do not have time to waste" etc.

    In the narration, 'no tiredness in her mind' is better. You do not need that 'no doubt' about her astonishment. Ideally, sentences should not end in 'to' and the like, though that is a matter of elegance more than incorrect usage.

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  4. Glad that something sets my stories apart, CS :) Thank you for the appreciation.

    That English part you say is again part of the ending scene, which I've hurried through and not rechecked perhaps. However, in the frustration of the system getting stalled, I find even in real life, I've forgotten grammar and just tried to get my point across when I've spoke to the technician at office. :)

    Thank you for the corrections/betterment you've suggested for my story. I shall look to give a better effort from next time.

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  5. I just loved the beginning!!! Awesome!! But why did you end it so soon!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had left it too late, and the deadline was nearing. So had hurried it through. I'll try for better next time :)

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  6. You did not allow a reader feel that you are not actually fond of gaming... and this is creditable. Loved the pace... and the dialogue which was mixed well with just plain description... the descriptions had some lovely phrases interspersed... but even I felt that you lost interest as you approached the end. Just a feeling...

    Arvind Passey
    www.passey.info

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    Replies
    1. I am glad that I didn't let the reader know I was not fond of "action/strategy gaming", Passey ji. Thank you for the appreciation to my stronger points of the story, but you are right, I did hurry the ending through, not because of a lack of interest, but more of a lack of time. I thought Saturday midnight was the deadline actually :)

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  7. hey Leo,
    I guess evryone has already said what I wanted to...just brilliant starting,awesome narrative. But I guess the word limit got all of us to stumble at different steps...never the less I loved the style and flair.
    regards
    asteria

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    Replies
    1. I think the word limit was very much fine, I haven't written 2500+ word stories in my blogging journey as yet. Not in one part anyways. It was just that I thought the deadline was earlier than it actually was, and once it was published here, I didn't want to rescind it and do a different ending.

      I'll look to retain the style and flair, and work on a better ending in the next writing workshop, Asteria. Thank you.

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    2. Even I did not rectify the mistakes in my write-up just for the sake of originality out her...and there were so many when I re-read my post...:P
      Ill improve next time...:)but this one has been my favourite till date...

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    3. It was a fun edition this time :)

      Delete
  8. "The sunlight fell through the open window behind her as she twirled the pencil in her hand absentmindedly. Her eyes were closed, and a silhouette swam through her imagination. She saw him take the lead, and command her. She felt a rush as he directed her movements, and she knew he was right. She opened her eyes, smiling. It was unlike her to be distracted, that too at the office, but she couldn’t help it.

    “Who are you? What do you look like? Where are you now?” Meghana whispered, hoping the answers would come from the silence surrounding her."

    Short staccatos. Very good dreamy flow that slips the reader into the story without them even realizing it.

    However, I was confused about this part.

    "
    Shaking his head, and keeping his composure, Arup told, “Chief AFP, be back in a while”, and hung up.

    When he examined Meghana’s computer, the C drive was once again nearing full capacity.

    “Ma’am, please listen to me. The problem will repeat as long as you keep using this drive for all your work. Documents, presentations, videos, music… all such things, please store it in the other drives, so this won’t get to full capacity”, he told her.

    She didn’t hear him completely.

    “What is AFP? I know AFK is away from keyboard,” she asked him.

    “You are a gamer? Surprising to hear that, ma’am,” he told. “AFP is Away from Phone. It’s just a casual expression my friend and I made up.”

    “I see. I think you are a new player. If you need some tips on strategy, I can guide. I’m the leader of my faction,” she volunteered, eager to show her high position in that world too."


    Between Arup saying AFP and Meghana querying him on its meaning, there is an action scene where he checks the computer which mars the continuity.

    Did Arup infer she is a gamer because she knew the meaning of the acronym AFK?

    If you would get it fixed properly this time, I’ll be kind not to report you.

    A little unwieldy don't you think?

    Shaking his head, and keeping his composure, Arup told, “Chief AFP, be back in a while”, and hung up.

    Would Arup said be better in this case?

    I am only fishing for flaws here. You are a very good writer. I want to see more lengthy posts from you however.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the appreciation to my opening and also breaking down my post as much :) It's good to hear the questions so I know where I can better my next attempt at the Indian Fiction Workshop, Sandy.

      In regards to your first query, I was imagining it as a scene in my mind, where I see Meghana with a confused look, wondering if Arup is a gamer, she having felt that people of his level wouldn't be adept gamers; also, with Arup having entered the office to work on the PC problem, not to chat with Meghana, I felt an action scene would help the continuity, rather than mar it. :)

      For the second query, yes, he did infer or assume that Meghana might be a gamer; and since he's the friendly type, he asked the question casually, jovially to Meghana :)

      For the third query, I was again imagining more of a sarcastic, jeery tone to her voice, which I don't seem to have brought out very well. :) Like I've told to others before, I had hurried the ending thinking the deadline was earlier than it was.

      I did consider "said", but felt "told" would be better, and left the inferred "into the phone" unsaid in my narration.

      I'm quite happy with longer narration, but the plot with the action/strategy gaming involved threw me off to a little extent, and I didn't want to stretch what I didn't know much of in the first place. If it was a game of FIFA11 instead of medieval gaming, I'm sure I'd have written one of the longer narrations of the edition :D ;)

      Cheers.

      Delete
    2. All valid points, which is why I was asking questions rather than telling. Every writer has a certain thought process, which is why we all approach the same scene differently.

      Delete
  9. Ups

    Many. Experts have already mentioned them.

    Downs

    1. tiredness about her mind?
    2. changed to her night clothes - 'to' or 'into'? Or re-phrasing it to 'got into her night clothes' ?
    3. Overuse of comma (her faction had moved seamlessly, and surrounded the enemy camp), (She lay down on her bed, and continued staring at the ceiling), (she screamed into the phone, and slammed it down). Please note that where you use 'and', you need not use comma. A semi-colon may be needed at times, but that again depends on the context.
    4. It astonished her no doubt that her rivals never saw it coming - Did 'no doubt' help here? Was it needed at all?
    5. that kind of time - should be "that much of time"
    6. send over - have you see such usage anywhere?
    7. It just doesn't open at all - In this case, 'just' and 'at all' should not used together.
    8. Your C drive is having very little space - In this case, the continuous form of 'have' should be avoided.

    My take on the abrupt ending - Abrupt ending is fine. If you have read the Golding's novel "Lord of the Flies", you must have noticed the abruptness of his ending as well. Just when the actions all high, he ends the novel without the reader realizing that the novel has ended. In your case, what lacked is the climax. There was no climax at all. And if there was any, I could not feel it. You need to work here. Take the reader to high exceptions so that the abruptness in the ending also gets some impact. The reader should scream "No, you cannot stop here. I want more of it". I hope you get my point here.

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  10. 1. Noted. I do believe CS mentioned that too.
    2. Into would be better, yes. I felt that once the story was up here, but did not want to change after.
    3. I don't agree. There are instances where a comma is followed by an and. Perhaps I've overused it in the places you tell, but a comma followed by an and is definitely heard of :)
    4. Nope. Wasn't totally necessary, but it was something that slipped into the narration inadvertently.
    5. Okay. but I feel it works both ways. When I've been angered or frustrated before, the sentence has come out that way. Grammar and anger/frustration doesn't always go together. ;)
    6. I did a search, but couldn't find "send over" anywhere in the narration. Could you point out where exactly I have used that?
    7. Okay. I agree. One of the two phrases is better left out.
    8. Okay. I agree. It'd be better if it read "Your C drive has very little space".


    I agree, the climax was lacking and I need to work on it. It wasn't one of my best stories. Thanks, Diwa.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Responding to No. 6 - "Oh no, you are sending someone over now".

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  11. @Diwa,

    I have seen the usage.

    "You are sending someone over right now".
    "You'll send someone over the edge..."

    etc. the second usage is also considered an idiom to say "You'll drive that someone crazy"

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    Replies
    1. Let me add my two bits here - the original usage was 'sending someone over here right now' (over here, over to me, over to my cabin whatever) The usage changed to dropping the place (here, to me etc.) in the sentence - particularly when you have characters speaking. For me, this is acceptable usage.

      Delete
  12. Great..I was a bit not sure about this. Hence, I asked for reference. Many people overuse prepositions and I thought this was one of them.

    ReplyDelete

We love polite people but it is not necessary to be so polite that you will not even point out where we go wrong :) Please feel free to voice your constructive criticism.