Author: Someone
is Special
Author Introduction:
I’m
Saravana Kumar Murugan, a software engineer by profession and a blogger by
passion. I write at Few Miles under a pen name “Someone is Special” as it is a
sweet dedication to my dream angel. I write fiction mostly on romance, love,
relationships, and poems on whatever that strikes the chord.
“Writing
is my passion, and I am born in this world to express my dreams, I do so as
poems and prose. I do prefer poetry as it helps me to rhyme what I love to, and
attain peace.”
The
Story:
……………………………………………….Now
People
calls me a brutal murderer, for which I deserve absolutely nothing, not even
the simplest of life to live and they await my end, which is just 12 hours
away, but are they ready to accept that I’ve a heart too, which has emotions,
desires and dreams about a girl, with whom I fell in love deeply. Even the wall
of this prison, though a hell-hole, knows how much I love that brown-eyed
beauty, which constantly reminds me of the beautiful days I once lived with
her.
…………………………………….six
months ago
I,
Bruce Tracy – a former drug addict, and a mad lover of ballet accidentally
met a brown-eyed beauty, Rose, who was a ballet dancer by passion and a hooker
by profession, and the very next minute I was with her on a bed, fucking her
hard for hours, and Heroin – a drug that ruled me those days, did the rest.
That night helped to burn my physical desires, and I was hitting upon her now
and then for a month, but eventually, I fell in love with her brown eyes that
pierced my soul each time I looked into it.
She
helped to get rid of my drug addiction with her pure love and she did stop
sleeping with other nasty men for the reason that she kept secret until I
confessed my never-ending love for her. Not only we exchanged hearts but also
the special rings with our names printed on it. Life became meaningful,
beautiful, and soulful. Actually, she was my life.
…………………………………….three
months ago
It
was a fateful night that crushed our dreams like a sandstorm destroying the
crop filed. My cute girl, the love of my life was lying naked on a pool of
blood, her eyes were pierced out, her breast was cut, her throat was slit, and
her legs was split with an axe stabbed, which should’ve had hurt our angel. I
went down on my knee, broke down in tears, and I so wanted to find them, cut
into pieces, grind to granules, and burn those perverts. As before fate decided
my bad, I was caught by a police officer who came in there casually. My
bloodshed hands, my fingerprints on the axe were enough to convict and I had no
escape. I was fuming in
vengeance, and all I wanted was a clue to find them, and an opportunity to
crush those motherfuckers.
…………………………………….two
months ago
Prison
life had no new surprises for me, but each time there will be a gang of people
who keeps bullying me until I lose my self-control. Despite those torments and
hunger for vengeance, I had to perform various duties as a part of our daily
schedule in the prison. It included kitchen services, restrooms cleaning
services, laundry services, and other duties as well. I was the unluckiest of
all, I did know it before, because I had to clean restrooms, and the worst part
was to work with two assholes– Billy and Rocky.
Billy,
an ex-boxer, a fat bastard who has 52-inch chest, weighing 400 pounds, and he
is known for his 10-inch cock, and he had brutally raped most of the assholes
in the prison. Rocky, a lean asshole, who is also a gay and they had fucked
every other man in the prison. It was a nightmare to work with them; in fact, I
cleaned the toilets that they were supposed to clean and I filled the water
tubs on behalf of them. It was hell for me.
When
I spent my daytime working with those trashes, I loved my nights, because
that’s when, I wrote her name on the wall of the prison, and sometimes I scribbled
poems too. One of those poems that explain my loneliness is.
The bridge is not so long
I can come to you along
The loneliness is killing me,
I can kill myself to be with you
Those sweet memories never fade
away
I wish I could relive my days
with you
The hunger for vengeance is still
alive
I want to cut them into pieces
RIP Rose
*****
It
was once again a fateful day in my life. It was the fat bastard Billy, who
forced me down to floor during work without any clue, handcuffed me back, made
me naked, and he penetrated my anus with his 10-inch cock, biting my ears and
neck.
I
was burning in pain, crying for help, but no one helped; it was hard to escape
from the fat bastard, after a certain point of time, my body gave up, and I
froze. After Billy, it was that lean one-eyed bastard Rocky took his turn and
filled my asshole again. I hate this feeling; in fact, I can never imagine
being fucked by a gay but two gays had fucked me for hours? Shit, shit… shit!
It
was not just the physical pain but I felt ashamed for being incapable to fight
back, and it caused impotency in
extracting revenge. I was unable to show my face to anyone in the prison after
that, not even to work, and I was counting my days, the last few days of my
hectic life.
…………………………………….a
month ago
It
was a general medical checkup for the prisoners, which shocked, and shattered
me into pieces. I wished to die the next second, as I still cannot believe that
I had acquired AIDS – a dreadful Deficiency Syndrome that kills White Blood
Corpuscles from one’s body to invite other germs. It furies me to know I did
acquire this disease in the last one month and it must be from those bastards,
Billy and Rocky.
Though
I was fuming at first, the dark patches of my life made me a fatalistic man. I
lost the hope for living; in fact, I had no reasons to live, my whole body was
tiring sooner, and was falling sick now and then. I had nothing left to live,
and I was counting my last few days of my hectic life.
…………………………………….a
week ago
It
was yet another day that I loved to live once again. I was on cleaning duty,
and heard two-men discussing about a secret tunnel that some other prisoners have dug in
a plan to escape from the prison. I fixed my ears on the wall of the restroom,
listened to their conversation, and learnt every small detail about the secret
tunnel. Moreover, in no time, they came out naked, and they were none other
than those motherfuckers Billy, and Rocky. I hid myself behind the door to
escape from being fucked again. I knew I could have had been fucked again if I
was caught by them. Glad, I did not.
I
was confused on what to do next; either to escape from this hellhole with
Billy, Rocky, and Team or to expose Billy and his plan, thus denying Billy his
one shot at freedom. I knew I could not live for hundred years; still, if I
escape with them, I could fly like a free bird. On the other hand, they were
the ones who fucked me, who gave this dreadful disease to me, and made me a
fatalistic man. I was damn sure that they would spoil the world with whatever
they’ve had given me, that’s why I had taken a decision and I so wanted to
execute it before being executed.
…………………………………….36
hours ago
Just
48 hours, all I had was 48 hours before my end. I wanted to do get rid of the
impotency in extracting anger, to revenge, and to be a man I was before six
months ago, but was not the same now, though I so wanted to kill these bastards
but...
Why
me? Why could not I? Why?
I
asked to myself, a billion times. Still, I could not figure out an answer. I
wanted to… so I banged my head on the wall a few times, then I punched on the
floor and finally kicked on the door a few times, but… nothing helped, and I
was tired; hence, I slept.
…………………………………….12
hours ago
I
sensed my end, which was 24 hours away. I know I would be executed as
scheduled, but do I deserve the capital punishment? Did I kill my girl? Should
not she rest in peace? After all, she was the one who colored my life
beautifully, she was my medicine to get rid of drugs, and she was myself, my
real self, no?
‘Bruce…
C’mon, you are an angry man… you have to extract revenge against those fuckers;
after all, they deserve to be dead. C’mon…’
‘It
wasn’t me… It wasn’t me… It wasn’t me who killed Rose…’ I blabbered
I
banged my head again and again trying to get rid of the impotency in extracting
revenge but doing so, I became semiconscious. Rose and the beautiful memories
invaded my mind and occupied my thoughts. I smiled counting the last few hours
of my life, as I knew I would be executed as scheduled because I had no choice.
……………………………………………….Now
I
could hear the footsteps. ‘It should be Billy’s and his teammates… It’s my turn
baby.’
Hungering
for vengeance, I fume like an acid, and I wait for them with my hawk eyes.
‘It’s
just ninety seconds away. C’mon Bruce, fuck those motherfuckers!’
‘Cut
them into pieces, grind to granules. Are you ready?’
Billy,
Rocky, and team are taken by surprise, as I’m standing just before the doors of
their freedom. I welcome them with a smile, which I enjoyed.
Billy
approaches me shouting like a banshee with a big knife. I move aside only to
make him fall down. He angry face burns, and he once again tries to stab me,
but this time… I moved aside, slit his throat with a small weapon, the weapon
known for cutting sharply, easily and powerfully – a scalpel (surgical knife).
He falls down saying that it was a good move!
Rocky,
the one-eyed fucker loses his eye while trying to attack me from behind and his
animal cry makes me happy. That’s a perfect revenge for whatever they have done
to Rose and in a similar way by slitting their throat and piercing out the
eyes.
The
only person left in the Billy’s gang is Jane. She is a doctor who served
American Army in her late twenties, wrongly booked in a medical fraud, and
imprisoned for lifetime. She sees delighted as she could finally see the real
Bruce – a beast who ruled his school days.
…………………………………….10
hours ago
If
it was Rose who made me feel loved, but then I lost my virginity with Jane. She
was a beautiful queen, with a strange air of mystery around her, her beautiful
and big blue eyes and to look into those eyes was bliss, her face was round
like a moon, her skin was as white as milk and she was a queen of my heart in
those days. Though we lost the golden touch, I was happy to meet her in the
hellhole as a savior at the last minute of my life.
She
was the one who revealed about Rose murder and what Billy and Rocky did to her,
how much she had to suffer in the last few minutes before her end. It made me
furious; actually, I became uncontrollable as I kept punching my face.
She
made me calm, narrated a plan, she promised she would help with weapons, and
she made to believe that I could revenge those motherfuckers. In addition to
this, it was also her payback to Billy, as he tricked her in the medical fraud
for which she was imprisoned for years despite being innocent.
……………………………………………….Now
She
hugs me smiling, as we avenged Billy and Rocky to deny his freedom at one shot,
and more than that, we rediscovered the lost magical touch between us as fell
for each other once again.
‘Let’s
search for Inland Taipan. It’ll help to cure you’
I
smile, she hugs, and kisses me deep passionately. It’s time for Bruce-maniac!
Part 1:
ReplyDeleteAt the outset, providing a timeline from six months to the detail within 48 hours - very creative. The idea was very well thought of, however, I would have appreciated the story even more if the content had been a little more solid. Some parts of it feel like a diary. Yes, a diary is also a recounting of events - same as the fiction piece that we want to do - however, with the diary feel - its becomes a mode where Bruce is telling us what happened. I would have loved to see it with my eyes. That vivid imagery, the scenes unfolding, that magic - was missing.
Lets start with the six months ago section. I would have liked some more build up or description about Rose. It seems like she’s been kicked to the sidelines in her introduction piece. Even Bruce’s description could have been worked on some more. To me it seems like their love story sped along so fast - from a one night affair to marriage - it was way too fast. I would have loved to see some of their chemistry, Bruce’s feelings for her because in the first section of Now - you mention that even the walls know of Bruce’s obsession with Rose. I don’t feel that obsession in the six months section. Also, you have mentioned accidentally met - would have been nice to know the circumstances under which they met.
Typo error: People calls me or call me?
Also, I have a question here - again going to defer to the English guru Suresh - simplest of life? or simplest of lives? The word simplest is a relative word. You have got to have more options. One single life would be simple.
Certain sentences could probably be better phrased to deliver more impact, I believe. ‘she did stop sleeping with other nasty men for the reason that she kept secret until I confessed my never-ending love for her.’ could be ‘I was touched when I learnt that she had stopped sleeping with other men. Of course, I didn’t learn about this until I had confessed my love to her. It was only then that I realized, the feeling had been mutual all along.’. Again, this is an individual take on this statement. You could probably do a much better job or others might even like it the way it is.
Coming to three months ago. I love comparisons with nature. The sandstorm comparison is very apt in this case. However, I didn’t understand ‘crop filed.’ Filed?
Typo error: Naked IN a pool of blood. Also, ‘which should’ve had hurt our angel’ should have or would have? should would indicate that Bruce wanted Rose to have felt the pain. Since Bruce wasn’t there and we all know he loves her, he can only speculate that she would have been hurt. This section is definitely better than the earlier in its showing ability. We see the brutality inflicted on Rose, we see the frustration building up in Bruce, good! Quick note: fate decided my bad, - my bad? Won’t be a good choice of word for a narration. In a dialogue may be? But not in narration. Again, police officer who came there casually? Loose end. I would have liked to see a circumstance created which caused the officer to be there. Or atleast you could have Bruce’s thoughts on how the officer was there. ‘The neighbours were all peering in the door. Was it my screams which had led them here? Had one of them called the cop?’
English Guru?? Me?? I get lost when you guys talk of present perfect, past perfect and such esoteric things like participles and the like. My writing is mostly instinctive and if you seek me to name the 'parts of speech' I'd probably have to buy a 'Wren and Martin' to refer to surreptitiously :)
DeleteFor this specific question, I agree. It can be '..simplest of lives...' or '..simplest things in life...'! Simplest has to be followed by a plural - much like it is 'One of my friends' and not 'One of my friend' as most in India seem to use.
Part 2
ReplyDeleteTwo months ago.
I’ll let Sandy go into the technicalities here around inches and pounds! :) But I personally like how you have created a partner for Billy. A bully wherever he may be, would not succeed with partners or sycophants. So good thinking on that part - to give him a supporting hand. Now, in this section, you’ve mentioned about Billy that he’s raped most of the inmates. Then you talk about Rocky and then THEY had done the same thing. If you say They then the previous statement about Billy is redundant. I think you can simply have it one statement. No point in saying the same thing twice individually for both of them.
Good note on hating the days but loving the nights because you (Bruce) felt close to Rose then, writing her name, poems etc. I also did like the idea of including that poem in there. Except when you say ‘One of those poems that explain my loneliness is.’ It sounds like an answer in an exam paper. You could have shown Bruce reading it or ‘I gingerly traced the indentations on the wall. I had carved them out last week with a splinter of wood I had found in the courtyard. Now the words glistened on the wall’. Has more feel to it? The poem by itself is very touching!
A month ago is pretty decent.
A week ago. Eaves-dropping on a conversation happening in the restroom because Bruce is on cleaning duty - fair enough. Definitely plausible.
“I hid myself behind the door to escape from being fucked again. I knew I could have had been fucked again if I was caught by them. Glad, I did not.” - Redundancy again. The first line gives the message. That should have been sufficient.
His confusion is well documented. The predicament is understandable! Same with the 36 hours ago. His frustration, helplessness is shown pretty decently. Just like earlier - some statements could probably be rephrased for more punch. ‘and I was tired; hence, I slept.’ - or ‘Finally when I was overcome by exhaustion, sleep took over’. Or ‘Overcome by exhaustion, I succumbed to sleep’.
Part 3:
ReplyDeleteTwelve hours ago: I like how you’ve worked the timeline very recently. No wrong calculations there! In the start of the story you talk about 12 hours to go. So 12 hours ago, you say 24 hours to go. Perfect. I sometimes tend to mess up ages and calculations when working on a timeline. Needs a lot of cross-checks to make sure there are no errors. Good work on that! I like how Bruce is working himself into anger, into extracting revenge and then he hallucinates about Rose, smiles. Good touch there!
Now again. Footsteps? How? Same cell? In the common area? Some background would have helped. Billy comes at him with a big knife? How? Where did he procure it from, in a prison environment? I did like how the scene unfolds and I can actually see Billy going at Bruce with the knife. Good description of the fight scene there. However, lets pause here. Sandy’s plot specifically says the option Bruce chooses has to be one of the three. This is a fourth. Without the plot, this would have been a very good ending.
You had to do it didn’t you! :) You sketch romantic stories, stories about relationships so well you had to make this a happy ending! What the requirement for Jane and her background with Bruce? Of course, that comes as a sudden package too. Stand-alone, I like the ending! A LOT. I am a sucker for happy endings. I do appreciate hard hitting, grim ends too where its a fitting end to the story, but happy endings leave me turning off the TV or ending the book with a smile. However that takes the end farther away from the plot, so I’ll leave it to Sandy to comment on how the ending played out for him.
Response:
ReplyDeleteDeepa,
I’m glad to read your detailed review. I thank you for doing that.
1) I’m glad you loved the narrative but I’m sorry to make it feel like a diary. I wanted to make it descriptive, but you know, after a long gap I was writing and it made me impotent to be descriptive. Another reason was Bruce is fuming at the start of the conversation where he is waiting for the Billy and Team somewhere in the tunnel. I wish to bring the magic in the next edition.
2) I thought the same when I wrote it but I wanted to keep it short because of Bruce’s mood when narrating the scenes. Yes, I should have mentioned the circumstances they had met but I missed. Thanks!
3) “People call me a brutal murderer” and “Simplest of life” I should have reviewed it. You know, it was tough to write a tale of this genre and to write a love story for BAT on the same day was tough when you are down with fever. It’s my mistake :(
4) Hmm Deepa that was touching, but Bruce wanted to say that she did stop, just to stress more on that to show her love.
5) That was one another typo crop field… and now Bruce’s anger has come down a little, that’s the reason for the nature touch. I’m glad it worked well.
6) Oops! Would have… Rose would have been hurt. :(
7) The reason to bring in the police officer casually is to show that his bad time or his fate pushed him to worst part of his life.
8) Glad you liked the idea of bringing in the partner for crime. Redundant? Yes… I’ve to and I’ll take care of it from next time.
9) I was having the same feel but one more thread was running in my mind. How a person can be so poetic? But the way you wrote it was fantastic. I’ll try my best from next time.
10) Glad to know that month ago was decent. Thanks :)
11) I will get rid of redundant sentences from next time. I have written them in the intention to stress it more. Sorry.
12) Thank you. I should rephrase my sentence properly. I will work on it.
13) I missed it again. It is scheduled to happen in the secret tunnel and I just realize I missed a paragraph itself. I was in a feeling I said that without actually saying it :( My bad!
14) It is an American Prison and I’m sure there would be a way to get weapons, though I’ve never been there. :P In fact, this idea of using weapons is from movies.
15) Well, I’d still say, it is one of the three – “Expose Billy and his plan, thus denying Billy his one shot at freedom” I just killed Billy and Rocky to deny their freedom.
16) I love writing happy-ending stories, as I always believe at least in stories there should be a happy–ending, if not in life. And yes, I had to… The requirement of Jane’s Background is to say why she exposed the plan (Billy, Rocky and Jane) which should be kept secret within the team. She did help Bruce. It was a doctor knife, and she is one. She helped him to extract revenge to do this and by doing so, she could revenge her enemy. Enemy’s enemy is a friend no?
Anyway, let’s leave it to Sandy. Let’s see what he has to say. I hope he is either not going to tear me off or to disqualify my entry. Keeping my fingers crossed.
I thank once again for the detailed review. I will continue to do better from next time. Thanks for the opportunity.
Someone is Special
Hey there, even at first glance I can see that this story has an interesting layout. Let us see what I can make of it.
ReplyDeleteSection 1
I like the premise, where the ‘NOW’ is just 12 hours away from execution time. This promises a story which is going to weave back and forth in time, with the attendant challenges in plot construction and tense coherence.
Purely as an academic exercise, I will run a few minor edits through your opening paragraph without radically re-writing the sentences. See if you like it better, or if you can pick flaws in it.
People call me a brutal murderer, and they eagerly await my end, 12 hours from now, as if I deserve absolutely nothing for having committed the act, not even the simplest of lives to lead. But are they ready to accept that I too have a heart, pulsating with emotions, desires and dreams about a girl, whom I love deeply. Even the walls of this hell-hole of a prison, know how much I love her, she of the beautiful brown eyes, memories of which (the beautiful brown eyes, not the walls) remind me of the beautiful days I once lived with her.
I, Bruce Tracy – a former drug addict, and a mad lover of ballet
I don’t “feel” this line is tight because you use a negative connotation “drug addict” and join it with an “and” to a positive connotation “mad lover of ballet”.
and the very next minute I was with her on a bed, fucking her hard for hours, and Heroin – a drug that ruled me those days, did the rest.
The drug “did the rest”, leads back to the act between Bruce and his lady love, when it should be leading to the next line where you talk of “burn my physical desires”. Just some sentence correction needed unless I am mistaken in my interpretation.
She helped to get rid of my drug addiction with her pure love and she did stop sleeping with other nasty men for the reason that she kept secret until I confessed my never-ending love for her. Not only we exchanged hearts but also the special rings with our names printed on it. Life became meaningful, beautiful, and soulful. Actually, she was my life.
Some incorrect article usage here. “…she did stop sleeping with other nasty men for a reason that…”. Also, “Not only did we exchange hearts, but also special rings.” I am just pointing out these minor flaws so that you become aware that they have crept into your technique. As writers we often become oblivious to errors that creep in into our techniques until someone points them out, at least, that is how it is with me.
My cute girl, the love of my life was lying naked on a pool of blood, her eyes were pierced out, her breast was cut, her throat was slit, and her legs was split with an axe stabbed, which should’ve had hurt our angel. I went down on my knee, broke down in tears, and I so wanted to find them, cut into pieces, grind to granules, and burn those perverts. As before fate decided my bad, I was caught by a police officer who came in there casually. My bloodshed hands, my fingerprints on the axe were enough to convict and I had no escape. I was fuming in vengeance, and all I wanted was a clue to find them, and an opportunity to crush those motherfuckers.
Slow down, slow down. See all those commas there? They shouldn’t be there. Your imagination is firing at all cylinders and you are rushing to get it down on paper here.
Quite a decent description of the prison life routine that I asked for.
Billy, an ex-boxer, a fat bastard who has 52-inch chest, weighing 400 pounds, and he is known for his 10-inch cock, and he had brutally raped most of the assholes in the prison. Rocky, a lean asshole, who is also a gay and they had fucked every other man in the prison.
I think the profanity here does not contribute to the narrative. If the attempt was to convey Bruce’s sense of rage or a feeling of injustice, it could have been done a little more subtly. Why are you weaving between ‘has’ and ‘had’ throughout the paragraph though? Good attempt at physical description though.
I wrote her name on the wall of the prison
ReplyDeleteI knew this line would come up, because this is where the line in the first paragraph which talks of how even the walls of the prison (note, it is always walls, not wall) know of her beauty. However, a lay reader might not have the intelligence or the patience to think this through. Give it to them where it makes sense, which in this case would mean putting this line in the first paragraph.
One of those poems that explain my loneliness is.
Quite an inelegant way to weave the poem in. It is too abrupt a departure from the narrative. You could have phrased this sentence in any number of ways. In fact you didn’t even need to announce the poem, you could have just slipped it into the narrative. The reader would automatically know Bruce wrote it.
…to floor during work without any clue
It would be better if it was phrased as “without any warning”. Too many commas.
it caused impotency in extracting revenge.
Why? Needs detailing.
and I was counting my last few days of my hectic life.
Did I read this line in the previous paragraph in the same position?
Moving on, the plot element where Bruce learns about the escape is too simple, too easy. There is misplaced detail in how the men were naked, but none about what the conversation was.
thus denying Billy his one shot at freedom.
This is the third line that looks familiar to me in this entry.
I was damn sure that they would spoil the world with whatever they’ve had given me, that’s why I had taken a decision and I so wanted to execute it before being executed.
Good ending to this section. It seems Bruce has a plan for Billy, apart from his plans of escaping. Keeps the reader glued. Nice.
‘Bruce… C’mon, you are an angry man… you have to extract revenge against those fuckers; after all, they deserve to be dead. C’mon…’
‘It wasn’t me… It wasn’t me… It wasn’t me who killed Rose…’ I blabbered
Ahh, Bruce starts talking to himself in his anguish? Nice.
trying to get rid of the impotency in extracting revenge
This has been said before in much the same words.
I could hear the footsteps. ‘It should be Billy’s and his teammates… It’s my turn baby.’
Why is - It should be Bill’s and his teammates - inside the quotes?
I fume like an acid
Nice. Reminds me of Dean Koontz’s writing.
I welcome them with a smile, which I enjoyed.
Enjoyed the smile? Or did Bruce welcome them with a smile, enjoying the moment.
Billy approaches me shouting like a banshee with a big knife.
Banshees scream, or wail, usually. Banshees don’t carry big knives. Very interesting things, these Banshees. Gives me an idea for an exercise for this workshop.
I move aside only to make him fall down.
How can we re-write this line to make it reminiscent of Brad Pitt dodging the giant soldier in the duel scene in the first half of Troy before he jumps up and inserts his sword into the soldier’s neck?
a scalpel (surgical knife)
Let your readers find out, you aren’t required to explain.
He falls down saying that it was a good move!
No, doesn’t work. He has to fall down in a different line, and exclaim whatever he wants to in a different line. You can’t combine the two.
Rocky, the one-eyed fucker loses his eye while trying to attack me from behind and his animal cry makes me happy.
How?
That’s a perfect revenge for whatever they have done to Rose and in a similar way by slitting their throat and piercing out the eyes.
Why did they kill Rose?
a beast who ruled his school days…
with an iron fist?
but then I lost my virginity with Jane.
When? Wasn’t there a sex scene with Rose earlier?
Section 3
ReplyDeleteShe was a beautiful queen, with a strange air of mystery around her, her beautiful and big blue eyes and to look into those eyes was bliss, her face was round like a moon, her skin was as white as milk and she was a queen of my heart in those days. Though we lost the golden touch, I was happy to meet her in the hellhole as a savior at the last minute of my life.
Commas, too many commas. I also see repetitive use of words like “beautiful”, “eyes”, and “queen”. Having said that, you have given Billy an impressive array of side-kicks.
I smile, she hugs, and kisses me deep passionately. It’s time for Bruce-maniac!
“Kisses me passionately” should suffice. Also, I believe you meant Bruce-mania. I am also assuming that after slitting Billy’s throat and poking his sidekick in the eye, Jane and Bruce escaped through the tunnel.
To sum it up, you have added a layer of complexity to what I already consider a stretched challenge by choosing to have your story weave through timelines. However, you have done a very good job of it. I would like you to pay careful attention to your tenses when you write. Also, quite a lot of sentences are repetitive, and hence redundant. If there are some points which you wish to make strongly, you need to make the same point, in different sentences, with different wordings, with different supporting arguments, and not merely by repeating your original statement. See, how so many commas in the preceding line makes it ugly? Eliminate the commas. Make short sentences. That also helps you keep track of your tenses. Jane was a good twist in the end, but the way she was brought in, it felt like it was a co-incidence inserted to save the hero, and if my view is correct, then that is a cardinal sin. Never let a co-incidence rescue your hero. Having said that, this is a unique attempt where you have taken a shot at a variable time-line which is much more convoluted than flash-backs, and for the willingness to challenge yourself in attempting that I must give you credit. Very well done.
Response:
ReplyDeleteSandy,
I’m glad, you like the idea behind the timeline concept. Thank you.
1) This is the first draft of the post. I did not review it because I wanted to know the flaws in my writing. Thanks for pointing it out. I need to give more attention when writing, which would help me.
2) I wanted to join a negative connotation to a positive one to make Bruce a confusing. Now, I learnt it is a mistake which needs to be corrected. I shall
3) I need to give more attention from my next post.
4) I’m glad you pointed it out. It’ll help a lot :) Thanks again
5) Regarding those commas, I suck at it. :(
6) That physical description must be of Kane.. :) Thanks..
7) Walls… Walls… Sometimes auto-correct kills… Okay :)
8) “Without any warning” Okay… I need to attend a training session with you and Suresh sir regarding commas. Help please…
9) I missed the details…you caught it. Great!
10) I should get rid of redundant lines. It’s my mistake, I wanted to stress on it more and ultimately made it irritating. As you said, I should say it using different sentences. I shall from my next post.
11) I’m happy to see you mentioning keeping the readers glued :)
12) Again, another big mistake – “Mind voice cannot be in quotes. Thanks”
13) Troy! My fav… Yes, we can.
14) "He falls down. It was a good move Bruce.” Thanks again
15) He poked his eyes with the scalpel. I missed it again.
16) He lost it in his college days where as he met Rose six months back. Maybe, I’ve not made it clear there. :(
17) Bruce-mania. :(
I will re-write the post without any repetitive lines in correct tense without using more commas. I shall keep the sentences short and crispy. I wanted to give a good twist to the readers but I never know it would be a sin :(
Thanks again for your detailed review. I will rewrite based on your feedback :)
Thanks,
Sarav