The Tale of Troy (Oh Boy!)

Author Introduction: I'm a writer. That's who I am first. What I am otherwise is not really important! Mostly I write poems, but love to dab in fiction as well. You can find my occasional works at my blog "I Rhyme Without Reason".

Story:

 Prince Hector’s ship, somewhere on the Aegian Sea 

 “Haaaaaaaallllllp! Menu, my darling, come to my rescue; these brutes are taking me away!”

 Good lord! What a shriek! Wonder what Paris sees in her that he wants to kidnap this damsel and put us in distress. For sure now, the peace talks are over. And didn’t he tell she was in love with him too? Then why all the drama? I swear on Poseidon, I pity that fool Menelaus for marrying her and getting called Menu. “Helen, what the hell? You’re coming voluntarily. Stop calling for help!”

 My brother Paris is a dolt. A thousand beautiful women in Troy and he goes and falls in love with a Greek Pandora. If only she’d stop opening her box so often, we have half a chance of getting away! “Where’s the fun in leaving without a chase, Parry? We must sail away from flying arrows and angry shouts! Now THAT would be romantic!”

 Yes yes! Absolutely. Soon, they can have their honeymoon at the bottom of the Scamander. And THAT would really be romantic. Stupid dame, shut up. Stupid Paris, nodding his head and agreeing with her every word. I’m glad Andromache is sensible. I’d hate to be married if my wife was a chatterbox like this Greek! “What the! Helen, now look what you’ve done? You got your wish anyways, that’s the first arrow. Thankfully it might be the only one. We’re nearly out of range!”

 Yeah. I’m sure Menelaus would say good riddance to his wife without a fight and hand her over to you, Paris. The winds are favorable, we ought to make good time and reach Troy soon. Thankfully, that’ll give us time to get ready for the Greek army. Agamemnon would love to use this as an excuse to attack us I’m sure. I can’t wait to get Paris alone. I really must thank him properly for his efforts to bring peace.

 ********** 

 Mycenae, Greece The Courtroom of King Agamemnon

 “Aggy! Aggy! They’ve kidnapped Helen. You must help me! You’re my only hope!”

 Huh? Who kidnapped whom? I’m King of Greece, for cryin-out-loud! I want to rest for awhile without people rushing in asking me to solve kidnap cases! Oh… it’s him again. Worthless brother of mine, why can’t you go rescue your own wife? Wait. Never mind. You’re worthless. Got it!

 “Why are you silent? Paris and his brother have apprehended the Queen of Sparta! You’re my brother, the King of Greece and Mycenae! Help me!”

 Paris and his brother? Hector? Oh what joy! The Trojans did it! Hallelujah! I solved the case! Hold on, this gives me a reason to attack Troy. I can conquer that fortress and etch my name in history! All thanks to that motormouth wife of my good-for-nothing brother!

 “The Trojans kidnapped Helen? Why didn’t you say so in the first place? Have no fear brother, we’ll make haste and head for Troy immediately.”

 “But your Majesty, there is no wind at all now. They’ve stopped blowing since two nights ago. Our warships won’t be able to sail two feet, let alone all the way to Troy. And if we’re going to fight, we must have Achilles on our side. Then we’re as good as invincible.”

Nestor’s a smart one, I agree, but sometimes he becomes an obstacle too. Now what to do? “Never mind, Nestor, I’ll find a way for the winds. You and Menelaus get the ships ready. And get Odysseus to convince Achilles and the Myrmidons to fight on our side.”

 ********** 

Ithaca, Greece The Courtroom of King Odysseus 

 “Greetings, you royal stooge Oddy! Heard you had an offer for me?” God! I know he’s one of the best warriors in Greece, but must he make me, his friend, turn red in front of my courtiers? That’s the limit. 

“Achilles my friend, so glad you came. I’ve been asked, by King Agamemnon himself, to ask you to join the battle against the Trojans. You and your Myrdimons can help us and forever be remembered in history as the one who conquered Troy, the fortress made by Poseidon himself!” Now that’s got him thinking. I can almost see his mind ticking. Wonder if he’ll agree. He’s not that fond of Agamemnon, so he could refuse. “Oddy, I’m confused. I’ll have to ask my advisor and get back to you.” 

You must be kidding me, Achilles. You need to ask your mother’s permission to go into battle now? Well, Thetis is wise, so I think the battle has been won and the war can commence. I’ll proceed to Mycenae and join up with Agamemnon and his army. He better have found a way to appease the wind gods. The hot air in his head will not be enough for such a long journey.

 **********

 Mycenae, Greece The ships of King Agamemnon

 “Aggy, how did you get the wind gods to be so merciful? They’re blowing with all their might, and we shall reach Troy in good time.” 

 Don’t ask me how, Menelaus. You don’t want to know. If I don’t die in this battle, Clyte might just kill me. Forgive me, Iphi, my darling, but Troy is a battle worth the price. I hope. “Well, whatever it is, thanks! We’ll just storm Troy, take Helen back and that’s that. Not much time needed. We’re the mighty Greeks!”

 Right right. Hector and Paris, who both know we’d be readying ourselves for battle, will just open the gates to Troy and welcome us with open arms, then surrender without a fight so we can have a cup of tea before we return.  “It’s just a matter of time, brother! We have Achilles with us, have no fear.” 

 Frankly, that is my fear. He might just come back to bite the hands that feed him. He’s not a venomous snake, but he’s a snake nonetheless. I’ll have to keep an eye on him.  “On our way to Troy, we’ll soon kill that Paris boy, then Helen shall be mine, and everything shall be fine. Greeks are the best after all, come the end of the war, we’ll be standing tall!” 

Wonder how Hector manages his brother… could ask him some tips… if it’s the Helen Effect, I’m sure Hector might be feeling that wrath too. “Enough now, Menelaus. The battle is not going to be easy. Ready yourself to fight.”

 Menelaus was right. The winds were strong. Just about a day’s journey and we’re sailing on the Scamander. We’ll be at Troy soon. “Men, get ready to kill.” 

 ********** 

 Apollo’s temple on the banks of the River Scamander

 “Pillage, loot, destroy men! Slay the Trojans! Myrmidons haven’t sailed the Aegean to come to a losing battle.” 

 I hope Mom is right about this. Thetis is wise, or so the people say. She said me to go to battle in Troy, so that people remember me after the battle when I die. Brrr! Couldn’t she have said “if”. Maybe the old lady has begun to lose faith in my skills as a warrior. I’ll show her! “Hold her Patroclus! Don’t slay her!” 

Who is this woman whose eyes shine brighter than the sun, skin is fairer than the white clouds, and voice sweeter than honey? She doesn’t deserve to die. She deserves to be my wife. I shall make her mine someday. “Well done, Achilles! A slave for me, the King of Greece! Agamemnon salutes your bravery!”

What? Slave for him? She’s going to be my wife, you good-for-nothing-on-the-battlefield king! “She will not be your slave. I saw her. I spared her. She’s mine to keep, Agamemnon.” 

 Damn! As if that will change his mind. I seriously need to practice some people skills so they actually listen when I talk. They only think of me as some invincible warrior. Can’t blame them though. I am invincible. I’ll take her back from him once I conquer this puny fortress of Troy. “What’s your name, maiden? Spit it out.” 

 How unladylike! I asked her to say her name, not spit first and then say it. Such a sweet name like Breseis and such a bitter attitude. Maybe it’s Agamemnon’s influence. It can spread quickly. I’ll see if I can hide some of this loot before that stingy king takes it all away from us Myrdimons. 

 ********** 

 The banks of River Scamander Outside the Greek camp

 “Menelaus, you spineless coward, come out and face me one-on-one! How dare you hide behind an army?” 

 Paris is a fool, but he comes up with some corny plans at times. This one just might work. “Hector, trust me, the guy can’t swing a sword to hit a pea. Helen told so herself.” 

 The lovestruck little boy believes his lover now, does he? Oh well, nothing to lose in this plan. Here he comes, and he’s looking redder than a rotten tomato. And there they go, with their cat and mouse swordfight. The way they’re fighting, I think both of them are just trying not to get hit! So far, both are succeeding in that. Clunk! There goes Paris’ pride along with his sword. “Hector, it worked! Now’s the time. Do it, bro!” 

 I wonder why I have to do the dirty work in this family of warriors. Both my father Priam and Paris feel as gutless as anyone I know. Et tu, brute Hector? “Menelaus, noooooo!”

 “Goodbye! Thanks for everything.” Agamemnon’s scream, and Helen’s whisper… I was expecting it to be the other way round. Life’s short, wife’s short, Menelaus my friend, rest in piece!

 **********

 Outside the Greek Camp The banks of the River Scamander 

 “Achilles, wake up. Wake up you moron! We’re under attack!”

He kills a few thousand Trojans and he’s so tired that he’s snoring. Well, he’s the greatest warrior in Greece, and I must not let his name go down in history as the snoring soldier. I, Patroclus, cousin of the great Achilles shall take his armour and fight those treacherous Trojans, cowards who attack in the night without warning! “Who dares attack the camp in this manner? They shall answer to me, Achilles!” 

 Oh no! It’s Hector. I don’t stand a chance. I heard he once cut off a man’s head with his eyes closed. It was the wrong man but come on, who has that good aim anyways? “I never took you to be a coward, heroic Hector, that you attack our camp in the dark!”

 Now I’m sure I am related to Achilles. Who else would make me say something like that? As if I needed to get the Trojan leader more angry than he already is! Ouch. That hurt! That hurt bad! I can see my life flash before my eyes! That was fast. Don’t tell me did nothing that is worth remembering! These idiots have stopped fighting too. Wonder what’s the big deal if I die? “Achilles!” Oh wait. That’s the big deal. They think I’m my cousin.

 “What? You aren’t Achilles?” Yeah Odysseus, tell Hector who I am. It’s his last kill anyways. He’s dying tomorrow. See ya in heaven, Hector. 

 ********** 

 The Gates of Troy The banks of the River Scamander 

 “Hector of Troy, I challenge you. Come face me one-on-one!” 

 That was easy. Here he comes now, battle armour and all. He looks vexed. I guess he knew I’d come seeking vengeance for Patro. “Why should I believe that you are the real Achilles? You Greeks already pulled one over us yesterday with an impostor!” 

 You must be kidding me. One fool puts on my armour and they doubt my word now? I thought I had a rep to protect, but Patro, you ruined that too! “Battle me and find out then!” 

 Yeah. I’ll show you! Take that, and that, and some of this too! Oh, he did and he’s returning it with interest. Admirable moves too, he can be a good dancer. “Ah! You got me Achilles. That hurt, but you win!”

 Yes! I did it! Vengeance is mine! Now back to the camp so I can taunt those critics! Wait, what the hell is Hector doing? Why’s he hanging on to my chariot? Let go! Wait, don’t let go. I’ll show you as my trophy! “Greeks are the greatest! Eat my dust, you terrible Trojans!” 

 ********** 

 Achilles’ tent in the Greek camp The banks of the River Scamander 

 “Greatest warrior of Greece, are you awake?” The voice seems familiar, but I just can’t place it. It’s hardly a whisper. He enters the tent slowly, silently. No. I don’t know him. 

 “Great Achilles, I am Priam, King of Troy and father of the warrior Hector, who you killed and dragged away mercilessly today morning.” 

 “Hold your horses, old man. I never dragged him away mercilessly. The fool held on to my chariot himself. Why would I want another dead body anyways? I have one to take home already in my stupid cousin.” 

 He’s thinking. I’m not sure what. He’s too old anyways. Don’t worry, fella! Achilles will spare you. He has no use for old men. “Great warrior, if that is so, I beg of you to release Hector’s body.” 

 “Sure! Why not? You can take him right now. While you’re at it, take Breseis with you too. I love her, but she’s the only one here who’ll help you carry the body back.”

 “Thanks a million, Achilles. You’re the best!” Oh well, atleast he acknowledges I am the best. A Trojan told I’m the best! Yippeee! Hector, I’ll see ya in the afterlife, buddy. We’ll have some wine and talk things over! 

********** 

 King Agamemnon’s tent in the Greek camp The banks of the River Scamander 

 “You fool, Achilles! You had the King of Troy in your tent and you let him walk away unharmed!” 

Come to think of it, yeah, that was a chance to win this goddamned battle. I haven’t seen Mom in ten years nearly. I miss her cooking. Lentil soup, fasolada and pasteli. Pasteli... YUMM! “Odysseus, this is insane. Can’t we storm that fortress now? They’re mourning Hector’s death! We’ll be able to win blindfolded!”

I wonder why Agamemnon is so stupid. Didn’t he hear Oddy before? Those walls and that gate are put there by Poseidon himself. They are unbreachable! “Your majesty, I have a plan. Trust me, Troy will be ours soon!”

 Now what foolproof plan can this fool come up with? If he wants me to pole vault over those walls, then I’m outta here! “I’ll get a hundred soldiers to hide insde a horse, and trick the Trojans to taking the horse inside. When night falls, they can open the gates and let us in!”

 Wow. What a plan! Doesn’t involve me one bit. Can rest up after my battle with Hector yesterday. Three cheers for Oddy! Hip hip..! “Sounds good, Odysseus. You and Achilles can take ninety eight soldiers and go in the horse!”

 Oh damn you, Agamemnon! What sadistic pleasure do you get seeing me rot?

 ********** 

 The Courtroom of King Priam Fortress of Troy near River Scamander 

 “Hail King Priam, I come bearing good news!” What news does this messenger bear for father now? At this time, can any news be good? Go away, dear man. Come later.

 “What is it, messenger? This old man’s heart cannot bear more bad news, so it better be good.”

 Yeah. I can’t bear bad news either. It’s like I’ve had a dose of bad news for breakfast, lunch and dinner since the last two days. “The Greeks have gone with their tails between their feet! The war is over! We’ve won!” 

 What? After ten years, they suddenly retreat? That’s not right. This is a trick! “Now that is good news! Let me see. Yes yes, the camp is empty but for a big wooden horse!” 

 “Your majesty, that can only be their offering to Poseidon. We must bring it to Troy immediately!” 

“You are right, Archeptolemus! Guards, arrange for it to be brought here!"

"What sort of priest are you? Think you fool! How can a hundred foot horse materialize overnight from thin air! It’s a trap, father! Don’t fall for it.” 

 “Think who you are speaking to before you say such things, Paris. It’s not your place to deny me or Archeptolemus!” 

 Yeah right, now you don’t value me. Hector would’ve said the same thing! On your head be it! 

 ********** 

 The Courtyard near the Wooden Horse Fortress of Troy near River Scamander 

 “Haaaalllp! Prince Paris, King Priam, wake up. The Greeks have returned. We’re being killed left right and center!” 

 Yeah moron! You fell for our trap! The inside of that horse smelled like horseshit, but we’re out now! And you shall bear the wrath of Achilles and the Greeks! Off to find my lover! 

 “Hold it right there, Achilles! This is your end!” As if! Puny Paris and Pathetic Priam in my way. Get out of my way and I shall spare you! 

 “Hey, that’s a cheap shot, Paris! My back was turned. And you aim for my heel? What’s with that huh? What if my heel won’t heal anytime soon? Go take archery lessons again!” 

 Little fella takes a cheap shot but boy that’s some costly pain! Why’s this world getting so dark now? Surely the invincible Achilles is not dying. Thetis, you vile woman, why couldn’t you have told me I’d come back alive. It’s your goodbye that makes me say goodbye to this world. “Paris, I have only one thing to say to you!”

 “What’s that, fallen Achilles? Need a bandage to continue fighting?”

 He sniggers. What a pompous little prick! I’ll show him! “No. Greeks are the greatest! Kiss my ass, you worthless fool!”