Sunday, 28 October 2012

REVENGE

Author: Renu Sethi

Author Introduction: I am very new to this amazing world of writing. So I feel kinda weird to call myself an author. Anyways, I live breathe and imagine romance all around me. I hope you enjoy my story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Cheers.

Story: 
Treisha lay naked in a pool of blood; her tongue slit...bruise marks all over the body. Her forehead was covered in blood, her face looks pale. Her lipstick, her eyeliner and mascara smudged on her face. I think she must have cried a lot. I can't breathe and I feel dizzy. I need something to sit-on. My legs suddenly feel weak.
Suddenly I feel a pat on my shoulder. I turn to see Treisha staring at me. Her eyes are shining and pleading as if trying to say something. I didn’t see her lips move but I heard her saying, "Help me", and those words keep echoing as she disappears in thick fog.
I open my eyes and sit up, I am sweating profusely and my throat is unusually dry. This is not the first time I have seen this dream. And I know this is not the last time either. I rub my eyes and look around. I recognize the dingy smell that fills the room. It’s hot and very humid. There is a very small window and I could only see moon and at times birds.
I miss freedom, I miss good food, and I miss my life... not that it was extra-ordinary. I have screwed it up a big time with my excessive use of drugs and careless lifestyle. I have AIDS. I know I will die soon. But I don't want to die with a tag of a murderer , that too murder of the only woman I loved and who loved me unconditionally.
 It’s been a year since Treisha was murdered. She might be a prostitute by profession but according to me she was no less than a lady. She would get gifts for children living in the orphanage, where she grew up. She was abandoned by her parents and the orphanage priest found her and took her in. She too wanted a normal life, we had planned to marry. She worked for a guy, the boss, who would get her clients. As the days passed she was getting desperate to leave the job .She would often say, "Let's run away to some place, where my boss will never be able to find us. I have enough money saved that could take care of us for a long time."
 The day she died, that very morning Treisha and I had a fight. I didn't want her to work as a prostitute anymore. I couldn't take the fact that she was sleeping with other men. In rage I slapped her. But I had no idea that that ill-fated fight would go against me and I would be accused of murdering my girl friend.
 I know I have to die someday...if not be electric-chair than by AIDS.... but I don't want to die as my girl friend's killer. I wish I could somehow prove my innocence. The helpless feeling of not being able to do anything was killing me. I felt dizzy. I asked the guard, who was standing near my cell, if I could take a shower. That guard was a good man and the only one who thought I was innocent. He smiled and agreed to my request.
It is only 10 at night. I can hear other inmates laughing and joking. Every night, alcohol and drugs are smuggled inside the jail. I prefer to keep a low key; I am still to come to terms with the fact that in another 48 hrs, I have to face my fate - that dreaded chair.
I request the guard to unlock my cell so that I could take a shower. The guard unlocked it and I walked out of my cell. I noticed 5-six inmates were already in the shower room. As I entered I could hear the mumbling. All of a sudden there was silence...I turn to see everybody leaving the shower room. 
I strip to get into the shower. I turn on the shower, before I could even step into it. All of a sudden, somebody holds my neck from behind, and pushes my head downwards. I try to stop him but he's too huge and too strong for me. I try to scream but that man covers my mouth with his smelly hands, turns me around and punches me hard across my face. I fall on the hard, slippery bathroom floor, and helplessly watch as the man sits on top of me forcing a smelly cloth in my mouth. 
I desperately try to recognize the man's face. He's drunk for sure. I can smell cheap whisky. The man turns me around.....I realize my hands have been tied and he forces himself on me. I wanted to scream and ask him to stop for his own good. But with cloth inside my mouth I can't. The man forces himself on me. He banged my head to the floor every time I resisted. He kept on talking, something about escaping, making a tunnel...I was in too much pain to concentrate. I was about to faint, but he stopped, I just collapsed on the floor with blood oozing out of my forehead.
I woke up next morning in my cell. Every part of my body pained due to all the physical abuse my body had to go through. Everything that happened last night came as a flash. I even remembered the big guy who molested me. His name is Billy - The Brawler, he's a boxer and he's serving his term for armed robbery. Nobody in this Penitentiary would mess with him.
It was my time to go and help the cleaner clean the bathrooms. As I stepped out and was about to go to work I saw the guy who molested me last night. I looked at him, I so wanted to kill him for doing what he did but I just looked down and tried to pass but he stopped me.
"Hey, Tracy Boy, I wanna have a word with ya" Billy looked at me; I was busy looking at his biceps. Fighting with him would mean dying 48 hrs before the stipulated time. He said " "Listen whatever happened last night, if you say that to anybody, I’ll beat the sh*t outta ya...do you understand me boy?"
I just nodded my head, desperate to run away from him. He stopped me again “I was too drunk ... but really enjoyed last night, I think would do it again with ya, someday when I am in my senses." He showed his weed stained teeth.
I gathered some courage and said "I know about you and your tunnel..." Hearing this blood drained from Billy’s face. I continued "I too want to escape from this dreaded place. Help me escape this place and your secret will be safe with me. I’ll do whatever you want me to. " Sleeping with him was a very small price to pay for freedom.
The boxer guy studied me for a minute. Then he smiled "Ya'sure, you'd do anythin I ask ya of?" I again nodded my head. He again flashed his brownish yellowish teeth. "Okay will think about it" then he leaned closer” we are not finished, you’ll be seeing a lot of me" I remembered last night. It gave me the creeps but I wanted to be free so I agreed
He slapped me on my butt...and he walked away and then he turned and said "midnight... my cell...I’ll tell the guards" he flashed his teeth again.
I was in Arlington, if I ever escaped from this place. I had to reach New York in one piece. I had to find THE BOSS..... But I scold myself to concentrate on the immediate problem...escaping from the prison and even before that... facing Billy... again. Just the thought of his name made me frown.
I somehow got through the day. At the time of the lunch, I knew Billy’s eyes followed me where ever I went. I tried to ignore it. Every time I look at him, horrifying scenes of last night comes flashing back, sending shivers down my spine. I saw Billy walking towards me flashing his stained teeth. My first reaction was to run, but then I chose to stay. He came too close for comfort and he said " Black Birds are gonna fly tonight." It took me more than a minute to register the message.
We were summoned to go back to our respective cells. As we started moving, I saw Billy along with an inmate sneaking few buckets. I just wondered how well-built and strong these guys were. They carried two buckets with such ease and they even hid it behind them, whenever it was needed. 
Billy noticed that I was looking at him. He smiled his irritating smile and winked at me. I wondered If Treisha too faced such things?? How did she cope with it??? No wonder she was so desperate to leave that job and get back to her normal life.
I reached my cell and as I lie on my bunk. I thought what must have pushed Treisha to prostitution. Okay she was an Orphan ...but all orphans do not become prostitutes. Somebody must have pushed her into it. I remember asking Treisha once and she said..." I have been physically and mentally abused since I was a Kid... so now it doesn't matter...I am used to it. Moreover "The Boss" has taken care of me...even as a kid. He will take care of me always."
Soon puzzle started falling into place. ‘The boss’ must be the guy who too lived in the orphanage or maybe he managed it. He was never happy about Treisha leaving prostitution. Maybe he was behind her death. I feel so impotent and helpless about the fact that I cannot do anything about it anymore.
I was engrossed in deep thought...when I heard my cell door open, Jail Sergeant along with the lawyers entered. 
Reagan...My lawyer smiled his sympathetic smile. I looked at him and smiled back. Jose the public attorney looked at me with contempt. I reciprocated the feeling. My court scene flashed in my mind. The way he accused me, the way he brought my AIDS and Drug addiction into the picture to prove me the murderer. Okay, I have AIDS ...I was a drug addict. But I will never kill my girlfriend.
Jose said “Tomorrow at 12:00 noon. You would be executed. Do you have anything to say? I nodded my head. They left.
It all began to get too much for me and turmoil began to swirl in the centre of my being to the point that I was nauseous with it until I couldn't contain it anymore and it all came pouring out of me like a dam had just burst open. I cried ,not because I will be dead by this time tomorrow, but because of the fact that I couldn’t get justice for Treisha. The murderer is still scott free, roaming around on the streets of New York.
For the first time in so many years I thought about my parents. My parents are small time Grocery store owners in Texas. They had disowned me for not joining family business. They have no idea their son is going to get executed .
Against everybody’s wishes I had come to New York to become a sketch artist. I always wanted to be an artist. In New York, I met Louis, who too was in the same profession,was a drug addict and the one who introduced me to drugs like cocaine, ecstasy. We would go to strip clubs, screw whores. It was then I met Treisha. I was so high on drugs all the time that I messed up my entire career. Soon I had no money, no food and no house. It was Treisha who came to my rescue...she took me in.
After a year, my body started growing weak, I looked pale. I thought it one of the few side effects of drugs. But Treisha forced me to get myself checked. It was then we discovered I was HIV +. She could have thrown me out of the house. But she did not. I still remember, her face went soft and she said don't worry we would fight it together. 
So many things happened with Treisha. It could have turned anybody bitter towards life and people. But she was always smiling. In that multiple layers of make-up there was a woman, who was beautiful not only from the outside but also from the inside. She made me quit drugs lead a normal life. She didn't deserve to die like that.
I promised myself I will escape from this hell-hole and find that murderer. I know I am going to die soon and I also know I will not die on that dreaded chair.
I was back to reality with a loud noise. "Dinner" One of the guards screamed. My cell door opened. I went down and I saw Billy talking to one of the guards. He looked at me and he said he wants me inside the shower room again. The guard laughed. I looked questioningly at him and he held my neck from behind and forced my inside the shower room. It was empty as I suspected. 
I was scared... I knew what was coming. Billy whistled and 5 other inmates came out. I looked around quizzically and then I turned to Billy, wondering what he had in mind.  Billy like always flashed his teeth and said "Not today, Boy. I will enjoy your company out of this Prison"
He took out a sheet of paper. A map was drawn on it. Billy started whispering " The guards think that I am screwing you. So they have turned off the cameras. But that’s gonna be for just 15 minutes. So we have execute our plan within that time.” He looked at me. I nodded my head .He continued “The Square that you see here is our Penitentiary.  We have made a tunnel in the bathroom. This goes parallel to the drain pipes. It would lead us to the main gutter. From there to river Stillaguamish and we're free."
"Any questions?" he asked. All of us nodded our heads.
"Let’s strip and cover our bodies with grease, so that our movement cannot be easily detected".  Billy ordered. We did as we were told. We went inside one of the toilets. There was a small tunnel. One by one we entered the tunnel. Billy was the last one to enter it. He covered the tunnel again with a commode.
It was very dark and the entire tunnel was infested with rats and deadly ants. It really didn't bother me much. Because all I wanted was to be out this terrible place. The smell was awful. We were butt-naked and  ants and rats had a dinner party at our expense . But we were not suppose to make any noise... because the tunnel would echo and guards would know prisoners were trying to escape. We kept moving. I could hear water somewhere. The sound of water kept increasing. Billy whispered "STOP" and he started pushing something through the wall. All of a sudden, the entire tunnel collapsed into the gutter. We were in the main gutter. Everybody rejoiced. In spite being in the sewage and seeing stool floating in front of me still I felt very happy. There was just one problem. The iron plate that separated the gutter from the stream 
Billy with the help of an equally strong man...moved up and started unscrewing the bolts. All of a sudden we could hear somebody coming. Immediately everybody   went under water. It was so dirty and filthy. The stench was unbearable. Soon we could hear somebody coming in and again leaving. After couple of minutes we came out to find the area clear. Again Billy along with the other guy started unscrewing the bolts. Finally they did. One by one we jumped into the river.
We started swimming towards the shore. AIDS had made me weak. I couldn't swim. I was drowning. Somebody just scooped me up and took me ashore. It was Billy. But as soon as I came out of the river so much of excitement had already taken a toll on me. I saw Billy grinning at me and I drifted off to sleep.
Billy punched me and woke me up “Hey boy not the right place to sleep. Get up and get dressed."I got up with difficulty and I got dressed. He took me to a cheap dormitory, where we had our bath.
Billy soon took an opportunity to have a way with me. I did not stop him this time. After we were done, He gave me $ 800 and said it was a parting gift. Along with that he took me to a saloon and shaved my head and brought some new clothes. He asked "Where would you go, now?"
I smiled and said "New York"
Billy looked earnestly at me and said "I like you boy"
"I know you do but not for very long" I answered.
Billy looked quizzically at me and then turned and walked off
I collected my things and took a bus to New York City. I checked my watch it was 12:00 noon, the time I was supposed to get executed. I guess God had better plans for me. Regarding Billy he was already adequately punished...he's got my deadly disease too. Now only one person is left who's to be brought to justice.

12 comments:

  1. I like it. It isn't as bad as you make it out to be on the FB group. The opening where he wakes up from a nightmare is well thought. Nightmares would be there I think.

    I liked the way you have interpreted the plot, and I think you could've taken it to a whole other level with a little more structure, and maybe a little patience, but you seem to have hurried through, and that's kind of noticeable in the narration.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like it too . In some places I notice that u keep switching from past to present tense . That could be avoided . Like the way you have picturized the escape . Gutter from the toilet etc . Keep writing :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Also one place u have mentioned 5-six . Better stick to one format like five-six .

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have to split this one up.
    Its honestly not as bad as you made it sound on Facebook. You’ve mentioned in your author description, that you’re very new to the field of writing, so if I factor that into consideration, this is a decent attempt.

    I just hope that the below criticism doesn’t end up being a deterrent to further writing, I do wish and hope that you keep at it, you’ll definitely see the improvement. Reviews sometimes can be pretty brutal and I don’t think I would have survived them in the initial phases of my writing. Overall, pretty easy storyline - moves fast, but the whole escape plan is a little too simple for my taste. Needless, do keep writing and posting on your blog, make good use of feedback and you’ll see the results in no time! Please do take the below in the right spirit.

    The tenses seem to be mixed up, even within a single statement.
    Her forehead was covered in blood, her face looks pale - the first half is in past, the second half in present.

    Similarly, within the second paragraph - you start with ‘I feel a pat’ but then later on it becomes ‘I didn’t see her lips move but I heard’ which is past tense.

    ‘She might be a prostitute by profession but according to me she was no less than a lady.’ should have been ‘She might have been a - because you have was in the statement’

    There’s some phrases or words which you would only employ in spoken english, very colloquial stuff. You can always include those in a story but it should then be within dialogues. I got this same feedback during my last post and I now see how important it is. For example: murderer , that too murder of the only woman. The words ‘that too’ are something that we would speak, I do not think they would get used within narrative this way.

    ReplyDelete
  5. In your author description, you’ve mentioned that you imagine romance all around you. Positive way to look at things :) It also shows in the sweet, innocent, helpful way you have etched Treisha’s character to be. There might be such women too in reality, but am guessing even they’re not going to have enough money to plan an escape from the boss right? Also the guard unlocking the door for the inmate to have some personal shower time is a little incredulous. I know you had to factor in that somehow for Bruce to get molested, but I am guessing no guard would risk his job to let an inmate have a shower unless the inmate was holding something on him. If Bruce feels dizzy or falls unconscious, they would probably get a doctor or whisk him off to the infirmary. Same with the guy mumbling about the tunnel in the middle of a rape. If you put it as drunk incoherence, then maybe it’ll fly, but even then a little weak about the discovery of the escape plan. Similarly, jail sergeant and lawyers would probably not enter the jail cell. I am guessing there would be a meeting area. Public attorney? prosecuting attorney? Either way, once a case in done, and the guy is convicted, I hardly think the prosecuting attorney would pay a visit? There are quite a few loose ends and some unbelievable events, but overall I think its more to do with your not having read/watched American crime thrillers/books/movies/series that much. For a reader, the expectation is based on such precedents. If you plan to write in this genre, then I would recommend reading a whole bunch of crime fiction, justice related books etc. and watch series like Prison Break and Law and Order etc. But based on what your description tells me about you, if you plan to write in the genre of romance or drama, use this exercise for what it is, a learning experience. Of course, reading more will never harm you.

    I didn’t get the part ‘I wanted to scream and ask him to stop for his own good’. Is that because Bruce knows he has HIV and he doesn’t want the molester to contract it? Or is it because Bruce is angry, seething with raw hatred and is going to land a hard sucker punch at the guy? The former would be too naive, so I am hoping its the latter.

    ‘Just the thought of his name made me frown.’ frown? After what Bruce went through shouldn’t it be more like shudder? Or pee in my pants, something of that sort? Quake with fear?

    I liked how Billy’s smiling/winking at Bruce reminds him of Treisha and he wonders if she had to deal with such low-life too. Very human experience there, how one experience reminds you of the other and then you probably empathize with them too.

    ‘Soon puzzle started’ - soon pieces of the puzzle, or one by one the pieces of the puzzle.

    Again, please please do not get disheartened by the review. Its only an attempt to help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank u....i'll keep all d abv points in mind.....thank u again

      Delete
  6. Hey,I will have to do this in two sections

    Section 1

    Opening with a nightmare scene is an original touch and a good way to start a dark prison story. I have done a couple of nightmare scenes in the past which were received well and from my experience I would say that the nightmare itself must always be set in the present tense. When you are experiencing a dream, it is in the present, and so must be the narrative of the dream. You can go back to the tense you prefer for the story when the dream breaks. I noticed tense inconsistency within the first few lines and this is a fundamental flaw that plagues many writers. Try to write the story in one tense.

    Good back story to Treisha. I also like the line of conversation embedded in the narrative, in that it is often used as a writing technique for stories that are meant for an easy-going audience. It doesn’t always work as I pointed out in one of the entries earlier, but here it does.

    The anguish of the prisoner who isn’t afraid of death, but fears having to die branded as the murderer of the woman he loved is palatable. Nice touch that.

    “It is only 10 at night.”… This paragraph seems to me to be a little disjointed within itself and in the overall scheme of things. I think you might have eliminated this or merged it somewhere else in subsequent drafts.

    You have gone to great lengths to get Bruce into the shower. The plot weakens there a little, for you could as easily have gotten him into the showers in the morning to move your story along. I like the initial bit of violence in the rape scene, but you have glossed over the brutality and darkness that could have been brought out in such a powerful incident. It is a good idea to introduce the escape plan in the rape scene. More than any commentary I can provide, to improve upon this scene, I suggest you read the rape scene that Leo has done in his entry and TF’s rape scene as well for pointers.

    “As I stepped out and was about to go to work I saw the guy who molested me last night.”
    The part where you write “the guy” should have been Billy, ‘cos you’ve mentioned in the previous paragraph that Bruce recalls it is Billy who raped him. Also, since you use “Billy” in the subsequent lines, the “the guy” looks out of place.

    “Sleeping with him was a very small price to pay for freedom.”
    Excellent. I like this. Just the kind of compromise broken men will make.

    “The boxer guy studied me for a minute.”
    Billy.

    You have devoted a couple of lines to Billy’s teeth. That is good fleshing. But I want to know more of how everyone looks. So far, all the characters are just words in my mind. Does Billy have a broken nose? A mangled ear? A cut eyebrow? Shaved head? A muscular torso? Or has prison life made him lose his physique? For that matter, is Bruce a weakling? These physical attributes are elements that you have vaguely touched upon at various points in your narrative, but you should have brought them to a definitive focus by etching physical descriptions. Remember, the reader can’t see inside your head. He can only read what is on paper.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Section 2


    “I wondered If Treisha too faced such things??”
    Nice, trying to get inside a hooker’s head and building her back-story in the process

    Good paragraph involving the legal eagles. But shouldn’t Bruce have shaken his head to make them leave? Even better you could have had Bruce silently nodding when they inform him that he will be executed on the morrow and then silently shake his head when they ask him if he has anything to say. Builds intensity into the scene.

    In the next paragraph I would have had Bruce retch violently over his toilet bowl and then think of all that stuff through closed eyes. You executed a nice couple of lines about Bruce’s turmoil and then threw it away. You have very good imagination and manage to place the nail in the right spot, but you just don’t hammer it in. However, it is nothing to worry about ‘cos this workshop is just the place to work on your technique.

    Impressive back-story to Bruce and additional detailing for Treisha. At this point of time Treisha begins to “come alive” to me. You keep adding layers to the characters as the story progresses. That is good technique and keeps the reader “discovering” things and they like that. Interesting twist in the tale where the hooker takes in Bruce. People normally approach it the other way around where Bruce takes in the hooker.

    Moving on, I like that Billy has drawn up a window of opportunity in the time when he is supposed to be raping Bruce. Good way to anchor down a pivotal part of Billy’s nature into the escape sequence. It also offers a glimpse that the boxer is not stupid. Good plot element.

    Good escape sequence. It reminds me of the scene where the sniper crawls through the pipes in the movie Enemy at the Gates. His position is revealed when the pipes shake. Billy has thought out things thoroughly, asking everyone to grease themselves up. I like this take on Billy as a shrewd criminal. Couple of moments where readers have to hold their breath as the convicts go underwater. Who was coming and leaving in that scene though? Could it be guards on patrol? Or maybe a maintenance team?

    I really like how Bruce has allowed Billy to do whatever he wants in the closing scene. Bruce figures he has already given Billy the disease and so he has had his revenge for the rape. Then why not use Billy to get to The Boss and avenge Treisha’s death? The two part on almost friendly terms, but Billy, intelligent as he is, has been outsmarted by Bruce.

    To sum it up, this story promises a lot, but doesn’t deliver all of the goodies. You have the rare gift of building up stories around people, but I guess you haven’t put down the thousands upon thousands of words that other writers have in the 10-15 years that they have been pursuing their hobby, and that is the only thing that stops you from delivering a cracker of a story here. You have utilized the plot well, and crafted a decent escape sequence. What I found lacking was character description, though that is something I point out in every entry so maybe it is a flaw in me rather than a flaw in you, and, very crucially, intensity. Bruce does not come out as intense as I would have liked a guy who escapes from prison with the sole aim of avenging the death of the woman he loved. Also, the main villain, The Boss, does not inspire much emotion in me for me to empathize with Bruce’s thirst for revenge. Leo gave me a villain I wanted to chop up into little pieces, but The Boss sounds only vaguely threatening to me. This is not to compare, but to just provide a datum that you can use to improve, for ultimately, that is what all of us are here for. To write, and to improve.

    I can honestly say, you need to have much more confidence in your writing. It isn’t as bad as you fear it is. If I had had this much skill when I started out, I would have been a Salman Rushdie. But I didn't, so instead, I am only a hurricane...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :)...thank you very much. I will def.ly work on it.

      Delete

We love polite people but it is not necessary to be so polite that you will not even point out where we go wrong :) Please feel free to voice your constructive criticism.