Author: Harshal
Gupta
Author Introduction: This is Harshal Gupta a.k.a Mischief Manager.
I am an 18 year old engineering prodigy who has just entered into the world of
engineering as well as blogging. I started blogging around May 2012, and since
then it has been no looking back for me. I love to listen to hard metal, an
avid reader of Love Stories, Satire works, poetry and humour fiction. I blog at Impressions.
The Story:
"Whatup butt-steak?
Ready for the fireworks. You better be, gonna see them in 2 days." the
head of guards smirked at me while I was strolling along the lawns of the Kawi Prison. Kawi Prison.
One of the worst prisons in the states. It had a capacity of about 5000
prisoners.And was a nightmare for each of the felons present there and
Yes, sir I am a convicted felon, proudly residing in the Kawi for the
past 10 years of my life in this hell-hole. One of the many lessons that
one learns in prison is, that things are what they are and will be what
they will be. Things in the past 10 years haven't changed a lot.
Every fucking day I try to wake up knowing that it will not be worth it,
every day I am thrown out of my cell to rascals like Billy, Bogs and The
Sisters, every day I am fed same old shit they call food. Every fucking day.
And why, because the god-dammned judge appointed by Uncle Sam
thought that I killed my slut of a wife. The same woman to whom I gave my
everything, showered her with expensive gifts, made her feel like a princess
she never was, and what did I get in return. The view of her banging
another man in my bedroom while I sat in the car ready to give her a big
surprise. The woman I loved went behind my back and hamstringed me.
Then
and there I had this huge urge to take out the .38 Caliber from the glovebox
and shove all the bullets down her and her god-damned lover's ass. But
taking control of my emotions I backed out the driveway and drove
away as far as away from that little piece of shit. And then the fucking judge
blames me that I killed my wife and that he found
the god-dammned bullet casings in the river. It's true that whenever
life screws you up, it ends up being pretty bad, and so for no
fucking fault of mine, I was given a 10 year death sentence which meant
that I will have to rot 10 years worth of my life in that prison after which I
will be sacrificed to the upper hand. I just sat there as the Uncle Sams's
servant took hold of my fate and decided what to do with it. As the hammer
struck, guards took hold of me and shoved me down the van taking me to the
worst place I ever imagined in the US of A. That was the year 1949. When my
good days bade me farewell and I anticipated the bad ones. On the outside
I was a vice president of J & M Holdings. In the van along with the
other chained felons I was transported to the Kawi Prison. The guards
and the their chief stood at the gates to welcome us into our new
homes. The old timers in the prison were anticipating our new stay and
were jeering through the wired walls. Our chained asses were led into the room
where a personal meeting with the Warden was organized.
I
am Mr Hadley, the warden of the prison and this is Mr Warton the head of the
guards and you are convicted felons. First rule of the prison would be NO
BLASPHEMY. I shall not bear that the lord's name is being taken in vain
inside the walls of these prisons. The other rules you will figure out as you
go on.
There
are two main beliefs: Discipline and Bible. Here you will receive both. Put
your trust in the lord, your ass belongs to me." With that the warden
completed his introduction and we were led to the delousing room.
Unhooked and naked, the cold water was thrown at me like a fire-fighter trying
to put out a fire. After which the
guards threw some delousing shit making me half blind.
After which we were marched to our cells. Marching us in naked like the
day we were born, skin burning with the white shit. The realization comes
when they put you in that cell and the bars slam shut. Nothing but all the time
in the world to think about the old life. As the guards went by and the
night strolled in the jackasses went about trying to break some
one down. It was a religion as they said. Somebody or the other always breaks
down crying and don't quit till they reel some fish in. Soon,
they caught one. And the chants began, spranging the
guards up from their slumber and making them walk right towards the
prisoner who went down. He protested against them, tried to convince them
that he wasn't supposed to be here. But Warton was not in the mood for
shit like this. He opened the bars and beat him with an inch of his life.
Clueless bastard would not have thought this was gonna come to him on the
very first day. The night dragged by slowly with all kinds of thoughts
swimming by.
A
buzzing alarm woke me up in the morning. The sound was accompanied by the
guards taking the roll call of the prisoners. And then we were let out of
our little cages. Confused, angry, sad I was at every step. Why would
something like this happen to me? What wrong have I done? and such were the
questions that were keeping me aloof and busy all through the first two
months at prison. And let me tell you, the two years you spend
at Kawi prison are the toughest years of your life, not saying that
the rest years become easier for you, but you tend to learn to live with
it.
Soon around 7 years of my life passed in that prison.
Soon around 7 years of my life passed in that prison.
On
the morning of May 17th 1956 ,
while taking a shower with dozen or more men. Not caring about the modesty
I go on. IT has now become a habit to shower along with all of them. Only good
thing was that at least the water was, soothing the tortured muscles
of mine, Billy, an ex-boxer looms from the billowing steam and asks me:
"Anybody come at you yet? Anybody get to you
yet?". Feeling disgusted I move out of the shower and walk
towards my cell.
Being
in the prison, you are forced to do some kind of productive work. Although you
may not like it, but it kind of becomes necessary for you to keep your
mind busy and keep all the godforsaken thoughts at bay. So in Kawi,
we had to work in a laundry which used all kinds of industrial washers and
presses. All though a nightmarish job, it helped me to keep sane in the
world of mad-men.
One
day while slumming my ass in the laundry, John comes up to me and says:"
We are running low on Hexite Bruce, Head back up and fetch us
some." Obeying the orders I walk to the room of boilers
and furnaces where all kinds of sump pumps, old washing machines, pallets
of cleaning supplies and detergents are kept. Spotting the drum
of Hexite, I pick it up and turn around only to find Billy and his accomplices
blocking my way. Peter and Rooster cover me from the sides while Billy looks at
me from the eyes dripping with lust. Grabbing a handful of Hexite, I try
to warn them against coming at me. but both they guys hold me tightly and
bend me up against an old washing machine and then Billy comes into action.What
happened next, I guess you should know that. Prison life is no fairytale.
Things
like this went on and on for a while. Prison life consists of routine, and then
more routine. Every month or two, I would show up with all kind of bruises
and signs on body. Needless to say, Billy and his team had found a dumb
victim in me. Although I never gave up the fight to save myself, because if I
did not fight, it would make it much more easier not to fight the next
time. Sooner, I started having all kinds of headaches,
diarrhea, vomiting and shit.Thinking that it would pass, I did not
care too much about it. But then it started to get worse with time.
Getting a bit worried, I go to the infirmary to get myself checked. The doctor
took all kinds of fluids like blood and urine from my body and gave me some
medicines and let me off. After a about a week later, I was summoned to
the infirmary and told that I was suffering from AIDS. being
completely aloof to the name, I ask him what is this AIDS shit. And he gives me
all the high and low of the disease. Not believing it, I ask
the doc to recheck the data and that he could possibly be
wrong. But the doc said he had rechecked the data more than two times and
that he couldn't possibly be wrong.
All
shit broke loose for me. All the "WHY's" I had avoided for so long
came back running to me. I was angry. I was depressed. I was alone. I
wanted to run free from this hell-hole.
My
wife used to say that I was a hard man to know. Almost like a closed book.
I did love her a lot, but I think I did not know how to show it. I did
kill her. Of course I did not pull the trigger, but I did drive her away
from me, and that is why she died. Now I am running a race towards the death.
The path of my run is yet to be chosen. Will it be by the fucking disease
that Billy has fucked me in or by the laws of Uncle Sam.
After
the meeting with the doctor, my life changed a lot for myself but not for the
prison. I still had to slum up in the laundry and still had to catch up
with Billy.
Finally
it looked like I was supposed to die along the laws penned down by Uncle Sam,
and I had my death in two days. And that day I met Billy. I noticed that
he had some paper sheet coming out of his pocket.
After
he was finished, I sneaked out the paper and quickly hid it before any of his
dumbass friends could see me stealing it. Walking back to my cell, I
waited for the night to come to see what was such a paper doing in
that boxer's pockets. As the night came and the guards locked down
the cells after the evening count, I quickly scanned the paper and it was
nothing but a map of the Kawi prison with some special markings
beside the laundry room.Confusing as it was, I decided to confront him what it
was about.
Next
day, walking up to Billy. I said: "Billy, I know your little
thingy beside the laundry. And I think the warden would not like your
little jiggly hula thing.
Billy:" What the fuck are you
talking about dipshit?"
I:" I think you know what I
am talking about, you ignorant fuck." And I take out the piece
of paper, much to his horror.
Billy: " Bastard. Where the fuck
did you get this?" And he punches me.
I: "I don't think hitting me is
going to help you, you fuck. I am gonna go straight to the warden
to expose whatever you have down there. Unless, you tell me what
exactly it is."
Billy:" It is nothing. None of
your fucking business."
I:" Oh. Maybe it is warden's
business then."
Billy: "Stop! Stop! It is a
tunnel. Me, Rooster and Peter have been dugging a tunnel for the past
20 years of our life in this prison. It is almost complete and we plan to
escape today.
I:" Well, too bad, ain't it. The
warden will bust your ass pretty good when he finds out. "
Billy:" Bastard. You won't tell
the Warden."
I:" Why do you think I shouldn't
tell the warden? You gave me fucking AIDS. You troubled me at every step
of my life in Kawi. Why the fuck would you think that I wouldn't tell the
warden."
Billy:" because it gives me one
shot at prison Billy. I may have been rude to you. I may have
troubled you. But you know how Kawi is. According to my
term I still have 5 more years in this hell hole."
I:" I will look into the matter
Billy.
The
whole night I kept on thinking what should I do. Should I expose Billy and his
group of bastards, should I escape with them or should I just keep
mum and suffer on, after all Salvation Lies Within.
Finally I came to a conclusion. I have
suffered enough. First from my wife, then from the Uncle Sam's servants,
then every fucking day in Kawi. From today on I will stop the fucking
sorry state of my life and be right to those who are wrong with me. Today
I decide to go over my impotency to extract revenge. come tomorrow
I shall expose Billy and his team and deny that bastard his one shot at freedom.
Note: I am no expert and the review below is strictly based on my experiences with reading crime fiction/thrillers. Please consider this review as an attempt to help, this is strictly constructive criticism, no offense intended.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I must say extremely easy and smooth narration. The first half of the story moved really fast even though it was all set in the current timeframe, almost as if its simply his musings over an hour’s time or less, and talked more to Bruce’s state of mind. You have captured his frustration, his helplessness, his ‘give-up-and-get-used-to’ attitude pretty well. I see unbridled use of foul language - but properly placed - in a way that I would expect to read a prison convict’s (a drug addict at that) conversation/narration in a US author’s novel - usage of phrases like Uncle Sam etc are very typically American. A decent attempt at describing work activities inside a prison, the warden’s speech, the initial breaking-in of the new members etc. resonates with what we’ve read or seen so far. You’ve penned a different mode of AIDS contraction than what I had expected from what the plot said, but then the plot doesn’t really spell it out that he contracts it from his hooker girlfriend, so it’s OK I guess. A refreshing change that shows different ways in which it could be done.
The second half of the story moved even faster, but this was set over a much longer period of time - what with flashbacks and background and stuff, which could have been stretched out some more. There was definitely a lot of scope with word limits, because you just about had 2200+ words. As I read, I could feel that you rushed through the part where he talks about his wife, the reactions on finding out about AIDS and the whole ‘I found out about the plan’ part. This, especially, I think could have been detailed much more.
A quick suggestion I would give around dialogues would be to have more feel around them, to show the reader what goes in their minds as they talk. Simply spelling out their conversation doesn’t really help us connect with them, I am positive you already read a lot, read some crime fiction or thrillers for some more. Lately, because of this exercise, with all my reading, I take more and more time to finish reading my novels because I end up overanalyzing writing styles, dialogues, point of views, etc.
Some part of it, I would recommend that you check for credibility - like finding shell casings in the river. Dead bodies yes, but shell casings? Maybe it is possible, but then a little info around that search would have been more convincing. Also, a little background around how he was convicted or the events leading up to his conviction would have been good to include coz there’s nothing really around how he got fingered, he had driven away then what made him look good for it?
Lastly, the plot specifically mentions ‘spell out what happens with/to Bruce thereafter.’ This part seems to be completely missing from the post. The decision making process that goes on in his mind, the conclusion seems to be abruptly ended.
Overall I would say, good attempt at penning a crime sequence based on someone else’s plot and a location, language, lifestyle that none of us are much familiar with!
Thank you very much for the detailed review Deepa. All your suggestions have been noted and shall be used further. I agree that the narration moved faster because I do not have much experience with the 2000 words write-ups. I think this is my first post that long. Anyway, your views are really important. :)
DeleteDeepa's disclaimer applies. This is only meant to be taken as constructive criticism.
ReplyDeleteEven though the story seemed to have uncanny resemblances to "The Shawshank Redemption" (what with the car viewing and the warden's dialogues and the way he gets raped), the overall narration was smooth and flowing. You seem to have captured the essence of his thoughts beautifully. The life and ways in an American Penitentiary have been described wonderfully.
But I feel that obscenities have been overused. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for capturing the exact feelings of a ex-drug addict felon, but as they say, "Too many cooks spoil the broth." For example, 'Every fucking day I try to wake up... Every fucking day.' Here I felt that only one 'fucking' was enough to emphasize his anger. There are many more but these are just my thoughts and I could be wrong.
And I loved the way you thought of a different approach to Bruce's AIDS contraction.
I was a bit confused at this part... "Will it be by the fucking disease that Billy has fucked me in or by the laws of Uncle Sam." What disease? If it was AIDS, you mentioned he got from a needle.
and I hope this was a typo... "Billy:" because it gives me one shot at prison Billy." ;)
I completely concur with Deepa on the credibility and the abrupt ending. Lot of loose ends and an ending that didn't quite go well in comparison to the beginning of the story.
All in all, a good attempt, which could have been much better if you'd have created your own incidents rather than cite out references from movies. You can refer movies as long as your story doesn't reflect them. Again, it's just my opinion.
Regards,
II
First of all let me thank you II for the detailed review. :)
DeleteI agree to the resemblance of some parts of the post with "The Shawshank Redemption." I actually wanted my story to reflect the life of an American Penitentiary, and according to me the movie had the perfect description. Plus, it kinda got stuck in my head and I could not remove certain scenes from the movie.
Obscenities were more since those times these were a common thing in the prisons.
As for the part you were confused in, it meant that how will the fate of billy be decided, will it be by the disease Billy gave Bruce or by the laws of Uncle Sam(The American Judicial which decided that he had to be hanged).
Yes it was a typo. I apologize. :)
Thank you. I shall try to be better next time. :)
Hey!
ReplyDeleteWhile you have strayed from the plot line, what I do like about the prison setting is the misguided Christian religious fervor that you have brought into the proceedings. It is a fact of life that the garb of religion often cloaks dark acts and you have tried to portray it here. The Warden with his Bible and Discipline act is a welcome addition, however you haven’t fleshed it out as effectively as I would’ve liked. More description and dialogue would’ve nailed it for you. The prison setting is sufficiently nightmarish, what with the crying prisoner and all. However, everything is a little too vague. I am unable to take away any strong characters away with me. That is something you could work on. To flesh out your main characters so that they stand out from the rest of the cast.
Also, I think I pointed this out to someone else in the previous edition. If you will be talking to your readers during the story, you have to do it on a consistent basis. Read Ivanhoe if you haven’t to get a better grip on that style of storytelling.
I am not convinced by the slut wife’s death scene (an interesting take on the “hooker”). But the entire scene is a pointer to tremendous writing potential.
What hamstrings you is your lack of technique (or You are hamstrung by your lack of technique). In parts where you have conversation, try to always separate it from the narration. Also your technique of beginning a conversation (Billy:”…” I:”…”) is something that you won’t see a lot of in novels these days. In my line of work, we use that technique only for a younger audience. You ought to graduate to the “Billy said” “I said” technique of writing. Plus, keep an eye on your tenses. Tense consistency is one of the most basic requirements of good writing.
I like the description in the laundry scene.
I noticed that you glossed over the rape scene. You could have used it as a pivotal point to change the narrative to a darker mood.
“Billy:" because it gives me one shot at prison Billy.”
You mixed up the name and also the “one shot at freedom” part.
…I just keep mum and suffer on, after all Salvation Lies Within.
Salvation Lies Within ought to be depicted as a quote, and to spice it up could also give a reference to where Bruce picked it up from. For e.g., “After all, as the Bible says, “Salvation Lies Within”” or something similar?
I like that you picked up the part where Bruce feels impotent and decides that he wants to extract revenge because he is tired of being used as a door-mat. However, I could not feel the intensity in the thought process of a dead man who wants to perform one last act which would condemn him to hell forever, but also let him taste sweet revenge. A few lines on that would have made the ending punchier.
Overall, I believe this effort of yours has strayed from the points I wanted the participants to explore with their writing. I will be writing a post on what those points are that will hopefully bring some more clarity to you on how to better your attempt. It is clear to me that you have good story-telling potential; you only need to work on your technique.
If you want I can share some e-books on writing that you may find useful. Also, see if you can pick up “Write like Hemingway” at your local Crosswords. I highly recommend it for young writers.
You have very good imagination, but thoughts fly across your mind faster than you can type, and when you try to do both simultaneously, you lose the reader whose pace is much slower.
I find it helpful to write down the main points of a story on a piece of paper, then try to develop them into separate paragraphs, and then type it down. Maybe you can try it with your next attempt.
Hope my thoughts help.
I think you got lost in your own narration, bro. And you hurried it through, and it is noticeable in some parts. Like the ending, "one shot at prison, Billy",and also, couldn't feel the "fatalistic" character much. Even the tense I think might have been better if it was in present tense.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, the narration of prison life as a whole was great, and the language made it happen.