Author: Medha Kapoor
Author Introduction: The first thing you need to know about me is that I suck at
introductions. Second, I'm extremely lazy. So let's make a short affair of this. I am student of Civil Engineering ( not willingly, of course). I write simply becaue it makes me happy and it is the one thing I can do without feeling stressed. I love to read. Sound intense enough? No? Let me re-phrase it. I live to read. I am big fat
book-nerd. I am also shy and awkward. My inspiration for life is Dr.House of House, MD. I am obsessed with my dog. http://medhakapoor.blogspot.in
Story: Underneath the Skin: Paradoxes of Identity
‘The township
of Ur is guarded by an army of a hundred and fifty goblins,
not only are we outnumbered, their strength will be no match to ours’,
cried Daenerys to the elders of the council. Several murmured their
approval.
’So suggest we lie low, build our strength and then come back to this when
we’re ready’, Daenerys finished, looking around the group confidently.
’If wars were to be one by numbers alone, nobody would bother turning up on
the field.’
Heads turned to locate where the calm, steady voice was coming from. It was
Strider. As always, nobody had noticed him join the group, but now that he
had spoken, every eye was fixed on him.
’SeizingUr is the only chance we
have of securing a path way to the heart
of the Kingdom. I believe that if every member of our clan plays his role
and plays it well, there will be no cause for failure.’
’But even if we put numbers aside, the strength of us mortals is nothing
compared to the magical goblins!’, retorted Daenerys, determined to
convince the council,’Waging a war in thees circumstances would spell doom.
Even if we won, we would not be able to hold the seat for too long, given
our depleted army.’
’At least, you’ve conceded we may win. I consider the job half done
already. Now, to the point of strength. Yes, the goblins have many magical
powers, but they also have an unusual weakness...I observed them, lying low
at Barty’s Diner...’,and so on went Strider, describing his strategy in
detail.
Daenerys, though frustrated with the way things were going, could not hide
her amazement at the brilliance of Strider’s plan. She wracked her brains
over it, but could not find anything wrong with his analysis.
’This man is a genius!’, she found herself thinking while voting in favor
of the plan along with the others.
..............................
*’...Don’t lose your grip on dreams of the past*
*You must fight to keep them alive *
*It’s the eye of the tiger*
*It’s the thrill of the fight...’*
Meghana rolled over and turned off the alarm. It could not besix thirty
already, she complained, looking at the alarm clock with a half open eye.
Grudgingly, she got out of bed and started getting ready for work. She’d
slept for only three hours and looked like a mess. She considered taking
the day off but then decided against it. ‘Boss needs me today’, she thought.
..............................
The offices of India One Solutions Pvt Ltd were located in the IT hub of
the city. They were tall and sleek, much like any other corporate building,
nothing special there.
The door to the third floor beeped open as Meghana Arora walked in. Her
sharp heels struck the floor with a clunk noise. Immediately the
passageway to her cabin cleared.
*clunk clunk clunk*
Ties straightened, shirts were tucked in, half-eaten lunch boxes were done
away with.
*clunk clunk clunk*
Individual cries of ‘Good Morning Ma’am’ replaced the gossip and chuckles
that had filled the office five minutes back.
*clunk clunk clunk*
Meghana was thirty one, smart and good-looking. She was riding the wave of
professional success. She walked in to work with an air of dominance. Her
black skirt fitted her form snugly but her hair were neatly tied in a bun.
She was a control freak. She abhorred disorderliness and indiscipline. This
was why she was the boss. This was why she didn’t have many friends. But,
let’s get to that later.
*clunk clunk clunk*
Meghana looked at the throng of faces around her, immersed in work. Buzzing
away like drone bees, making sweet honey for her. Honey that will take her
another step up the ladder. Take her closer to her goal, her destiny...
The office floor was transformed into a stretch of sand. She was riding a
horse. Her clan, her Khalasar followed behind. She had to build an army,
she had to go to war. I am the Khaleesi, the most powerful woman in the
world and the throne is my birth right.
A smile crossed her lips as she drew this analogy and it was with this
smile that she met Arup.
Arup worked with OIS as the IT technician. He had a small cubicle at the
corner where he lazed around all day, fixing minor issues with the staff
computers, so that they could work on bigger and more intense ones. In
short, he lead a glamorless existence. Not that he deserved it, though. His
only fault was that he was born on the wrong side of the town. But after
all the struggle he had faced, he was more than happy to lead a secure life
as a part of the OIS machinery.
Arup had ‘heard’ Meghana’s arrival and was now looking at her expectantly
as she made her way to his desk.
’Good Morning, Ma’am’
’Morning, Arup. See me in my cabin in an hour.’
’Yes, sure..’, he started to say, but Meghana had started walking towards
the CEO’s cabin. Vinod, the CEO, was another swashbuckling product of a
topBusiness School
that he was the only one who could exercise some control over her.
*(Note: Khalasar and Khaleesi are terms belonging to George Martin’s ‘A
Song of Ice and Fire’. Khalasar refers to a clan of warriors and Khaleesi
is the title given to their queen. I have picked up Daenerys from the book
too.) *
..............................
’Yes, Vinod, I get your point, but with the right strategy, we could take
on this project!Give me a chance..’
’Meghana, we do not have the workforce required for something as big as
this. I had hoped you would realize that.’
’But, Vinod, give me one chance to present my plan before the Board, I..’
’Save your breath, Meghana. The Board will never agree.’
Fuming, Meghana turned around and walked back to her cabin. The CEO’s stark
disapproval of her radical new scheme had wiped off whatever admiration she
had once held for him. She had expected him to be innovative and open, but
he was just another safe-player, going by the rules in the textbook. She
sat down at her desk and looked at her laptop screen. A smile lighted up
her face. A screenshot of last night’s successful war adorned her desktop.
Strider took centrestage, mounted on his dark horse, holding the Kingdom’s
sharpest blade.
Meghana recalled how, at every obstacle, they had turned to Strider and he
had never failed them. ‘What a thinker!’, thought Meghana, ‘I bet he has
never shied away from a task, no matter how daunting.’ She started
comparing his attitude and skills with Vinod’s. ‘He is a natural leader’,
she concluded, ‘how gratifying must it be to work under him, with him.’ She
started imagining him as a top executive somewhere, making aggressive
decisions and impressing everybody with his ability. Color rose to her
cheeks...
A knock on the door snapped her right out of her reverie. It was Arup. The
air of dominance returned to her demenaour as she asked him what he wanted.
’Uhh...you’d asked me to come by, remember?’, he stated meekly.
’Oh!Right!Come on in. There seems to be a problem with the LAN connection
in here’, she told him, hastily changing the desktop background.
’Hmm...let me have a look..’, Arup went over to examine her connection.
’You look really tired today, Ma’am’, he said, glancing at the circles
beneath her eyes.
’Couldn’t catch much sleep last night’, she replied curtly.
’A hot cup of green tea with a dash of lemon in it always freshens me up!.’
’I wouldn’t even bother with the tea if all I had to do was look over some
wires’, Meghana thought to herself, yawning.
’There you go!As good as ever!’, exclaimed Arup.
Meghana gave him a thanks and a smile as he turned to go.
’Oh and one more thing Arup’, Meghana started, riding on a sudden
brainwave,’suppose there was this online role playing game...’
’MMORG, you mean?’
’Ah, yes. I was wondering if you could help me identify the identity of a
player’, she blurted, looking him in the eye.
Arup fought down a chuckle as he moved to her desk. ‘I haven’t tried this,
but I have heard of a couple of websites which may help you.’ He scribbled
down a list and handed it to her.
’Thank you. And Arup, this is strictly off the record,understood?’
’Of course, Ma’am.’
..............................
’Every person is important. It does not matter what you are, what your
position is on the leadership ladder...you all are a part of this and you
shall all do the best you possibly can.’
Meghana could have been sitting in a Corporate boardroom, listening to the
mandatory rumble of a chief executive.
But she was Daenerys, in theCastle
of Ur
listening to Strider. Though she had heard this speech countless many times
before, she knew this one was different. She knew the speaker had the
ability to match the boldness of his words with sincere actions. She had
seen him accomplish that.
’I want each and every one of you to ravage the castle and pick up weapons
of your choice. I would then want you to practice with them. Remember, it
is not the number of weapons but the skill of the weapon bearer that
decides the fate of a battle. Come on now, let’s get going!’, he cried as
the crowd started to disperse.
Daenerys stood by a pillar, watching him make his way across the hall to
the dungeon. Now was the time to talk to him, but she found herself unable
to move. ‘He probably thinks I’m stupid’, Meghana conceded, doubting her
ability for the first time. She watched him disappear in the shadows and
sighed.
..............................
’Enter name of game....’, read the computer screen.
Meghana could barely conceal her excitement as she punched in the words.
*check*
’Enter ID and password’.
*check*
’Enter name of player to be tracked’.
*check*
Her heart was pounding so hard she was sure everybody on the office floor
could hear it.
’What’s wrong with you, girl!’, she chided herself.
The results loaded and she was disappointed to see no name turn up. There
was an IP address though, of the last place he had logged in from. Meghana
hurriedly noted it down. Then memorized it. But the problem was, how was
she going to track it down? She could go to Arup again, but that would hurt
her pride. Sighing, she folded the paper and put it in her drawer.
The phone rang.
’Meghana! In my office! Now!’, it was Vinod.
Meghana jumped up, straightened her jacket and was out the fdoor in a
second.
*clunk clunk clunk*
The sound woke many from slumber as others sat straighter up their chairs,
trying to look focused.
*clunk clunk clunk*
Meghana could see right through their act. ‘What a lazy bunch!’, she
thought. She saw Arup strolling down the corridor, a little ahead of her.
Taking in a deep breath, she called out to him.
’Yes Ma’am’, she turned to look at her, timid.
’Be at my cabin in twenty minutes!’, she commanded.
’Any problem with the websites?’, he ventured to mock.
An angry stare shut him up. He gulped.
’I will be there, Ma’am’.
’Phew! That was scary!’, he thought to himself as he watched her walk away.
..............................
’You must understand this is a huge risk for our company and we expect you
to deliver, Meghana’.
’Yes, Vinod, I will, most definitely’.
Meghana beamed. She was going to present her plan before the Board. She
knew what a huge step this was for her career. ‘This is my chance to prove
I can be as good as Strider’, she thought, smiling to herself.
She emerged from the Boss’ cabin looking happy and pleased with herself.
Her hurried march was now replaced by a confident stride as she crossed the
cublicles. A piece of yellow parchment caught her attention. It was stuck
on the desk of one of the employees.
’Every person is important. It doesn’t matter whether you play the violin,
the flute, the cello, or the drums, you’re still part of the orchestra.’
-Victor Hugo
Meghana stopped dead in her tracks. The words were too familiar. Could it
be?
She guided her sweaty palms to the desktop and turned the screen around to
locate the sticker bearing it’s IP address.
’No, it can’t be!’
She glanced at the name plate and almost ran to her cabin. She rushed to
the drawer and pulled out the paper.
’Oh my god!’
She collapsed in the chair, reading and re-reading the number on the slip.
’Ma’am, may I come in?’
Meghana looked up, her face a burning scarlet.
’...Arup...would you, would you mind assisting me in a project we’re taking
on?’
..............................
not only are we outnumbered, their strength will be no match to ours’,
cried Daenerys to the elders of the council. Several murmured their
approval.
’So suggest we lie low, build our strength and then come back to this when
we’re ready’, Daenerys finished, looking around the group confidently.
’If wars were to be one by numbers alone, nobody would bother turning up on
the field.’
Heads turned to locate where the calm, steady voice was coming from. It was
Strider. As always, nobody had noticed him join the group, but now that he
had spoken, every eye was fixed on him.
’Seizing
of the Kingdom. I believe that if every member of our clan plays his role
and plays it well, there will be no cause for failure.’
’But even if we put numbers aside, the strength of us mortals is nothing
compared to the magical goblins!’, retorted Daenerys, determined to
convince the council,’Waging a war in thees circumstances would spell doom.
Even if we won, we would not be able to hold the seat for too long, given
our depleted army.’
’At least, you’ve conceded we may win. I consider the job half done
already. Now, to the point of strength. Yes, the goblins have many magical
powers, but they also have an unusual weakness...I observed them, lying low
at Barty’s Diner...’,and so on went Strider, describing his strategy in
detail.
Daenerys, though frustrated with the way things were going, could not hide
her amazement at the brilliance of Strider’s plan. She wracked her brains
over it, but could not find anything wrong with his analysis.
’This man is a genius!’, she found herself thinking while voting in favor
of the plan along with the others.
..............................
*’...Don’t lose your grip on dreams of the past*
*You must fight to keep them alive *
*It’s the eye of the tiger*
*It’s the thrill of the fight...’*
Meghana rolled over and turned off the alarm. It could not be
already, she complained, looking at the alarm clock with a half open eye.
Grudgingly, she got out of bed and started getting ready for work. She’d
slept for only three hours and looked like a mess. She considered taking
the day off but then decided against it. ‘Boss needs me today’, she thought.
..............................
The offices of India One Solutions Pvt Ltd were located in the IT hub of
the city. They were tall and sleek, much like any other corporate building,
nothing special there.
The door to the third floor beeped open as Meghana Arora walked in. Her
sharp heels struck the floor with a clunk noise. Immediately the
passageway to her cabin cleared.
*clunk clunk clunk*
Ties straightened, shirts were tucked in, half-eaten lunch boxes were done
away with.
*clunk clunk clunk*
Individual cries of ‘Good Morning Ma’am’ replaced the gossip and chuckles
that had filled the office five minutes back.
*clunk clunk clunk*
Meghana was thirty one, smart and good-looking. She was riding the wave of
professional success. She walked in to work with an air of dominance. Her
black skirt fitted her form snugly but her hair were neatly tied in a bun.
She was a control freak. She abhorred disorderliness and indiscipline. This
was why she was the boss. This was why she didn’t have many friends. But,
let’s get to that later.
*clunk clunk clunk*
Meghana looked at the throng of faces around her, immersed in work. Buzzing
away like drone bees, making sweet honey for her. Honey that will take her
another step up the ladder. Take her closer to her goal, her destiny...
The office floor was transformed into a stretch of sand. She was riding a
horse. Her clan, her Khalasar followed behind. She had to build an army,
she had to go to war. I am the Khaleesi, the most powerful woman in the
world and the throne is my birth right.
A smile crossed her lips as she drew this analogy and it was with this
smile that she met Arup.
Arup worked with OIS as the IT technician. He had a small cubicle at the
corner where he lazed around all day, fixing minor issues with the staff
computers, so that they could work on bigger and more intense ones. In
short, he lead a glamorless existence. Not that he deserved it, though. His
only fault was that he was born on the wrong side of the town. But after
all the struggle he had faced, he was more than happy to lead a secure life
as a part of the OIS machinery.
Arup had ‘heard’ Meghana’s arrival and was now looking at her expectantly
as she made her way to his desk.
’Good Morning, Ma’am’
’Morning, Arup. See me in my cabin in an hour.’
’Yes, sure..’, he started to say, but Meghana had started walking towards
the CEO’s cabin. Vinod, the CEO, was another swashbuckling product of a
top
that he was the only one who could exercise some control over her.
*(Note: Khalasar and Khaleesi are terms belonging to George Martin’s ‘A
Song of Ice and Fire’. Khalasar refers to a clan of warriors and Khaleesi
is the title given to their queen. I have picked up Daenerys from the book
too.) *
..............................
’Yes, Vinod, I get your point, but with the right strategy, we could take
on this project!Give me a chance..’
’Meghana, we do not have the workforce required for something as big as
this. I had hoped you would realize that.’
’But, Vinod, give me one chance to present my plan before the Board, I..’
’Save your breath, Meghana. The Board will never agree.’
Fuming, Meghana turned around and walked back to her cabin. The CEO’s stark
disapproval of her radical new scheme had wiped off whatever admiration she
had once held for him. She had expected him to be innovative and open, but
he was just another safe-player, going by the rules in the textbook. She
sat down at her desk and looked at her laptop screen. A smile lighted up
her face. A screenshot of last night’s successful war adorned her desktop.
Strider took centrestage, mounted on his dark horse, holding the Kingdom’s
sharpest blade.
Meghana recalled how, at every obstacle, they had turned to Strider and he
had never failed them. ‘What a thinker!’, thought Meghana, ‘I bet he has
never shied away from a task, no matter how daunting.’ She started
comparing his attitude and skills with Vinod’s. ‘He is a natural leader’,
she concluded, ‘how gratifying must it be to work under him, with him.’ She
started imagining him as a top executive somewhere, making aggressive
decisions and impressing everybody with his ability. Color rose to her
cheeks...
A knock on the door snapped her right out of her reverie. It was Arup. The
air of dominance returned to her demenaour as she asked him what he wanted.
’Uhh...you’d asked me to come by, remember?’, he stated meekly.
’Oh!Right!Come on in. There seems to be a problem with the LAN connection
in here’, she told him, hastily changing the desktop background.
’Hmm...let me have a look..’, Arup went over to examine her connection.
’You look really tired today, Ma’am’, he said, glancing at the circles
beneath her eyes.
’Couldn’t catch much sleep last night’, she replied curtly.
’A hot cup of green tea with a dash of lemon in it always freshens me up!.’
’I wouldn’t even bother with the tea if all I had to do was look over some
wires’, Meghana thought to herself, yawning.
’There you go!As good as ever!’, exclaimed Arup.
Meghana gave him a thanks and a smile as he turned to go.
’Oh and one more thing Arup’, Meghana started, riding on a sudden
brainwave,’suppose there was this online role playing game...’
’MMORG, you mean?’
’Ah, yes. I was wondering if you could help me identify the identity of a
player’, she blurted, looking him in the eye.
Arup fought down a chuckle as he moved to her desk. ‘I haven’t tried this,
but I have heard of a couple of websites which may help you.’ He scribbled
down a list and handed it to her.
’Thank you. And Arup, this is strictly off the record,understood?’
’Of course, Ma’am.’
..............................
’Every person is important. It does not matter what you are, what your
position is on the leadership ladder...you all are a part of this and you
shall all do the best you possibly can.’
Meghana could have been sitting in a Corporate boardroom, listening to the
mandatory rumble of a chief executive.
But she was Daenerys, in the
listening to Strider. Though she had heard this speech countless many times
before, she knew this one was different. She knew the speaker had the
ability to match the boldness of his words with sincere actions. She had
seen him accomplish that.
’I want each and every one of you to ravage the castle and pick up weapons
of your choice. I would then want you to practice with them. Remember, it
is not the number of weapons but the skill of the weapon bearer that
decides the fate of a battle. Come on now, let’s get going!’, he cried as
the crowd started to disperse.
Daenerys stood by a pillar, watching him make his way across the hall to
the dungeon. Now was the time to talk to him, but she found herself unable
to move. ‘He probably thinks I’m stupid’, Meghana conceded, doubting her
ability for the first time. She watched him disappear in the shadows and
sighed.
..............................
’Enter name of game....’, read the computer screen.
Meghana could barely conceal her excitement as she punched in the words.
*check*
’Enter ID and password’.
*check*
’Enter name of player to be tracked’.
*check*
Her heart was pounding so hard she was sure everybody on the office floor
could hear it.
’What’s wrong with you, girl!’, she chided herself.
The results loaded and she was disappointed to see no name turn up. There
was an IP address though, of the last place he had logged in from. Meghana
hurriedly noted it down. Then memorized it. But the problem was, how was
she going to track it down? She could go to Arup again, but that would hurt
her pride. Sighing, she folded the paper and put it in her drawer.
The phone rang.
’Meghana! In my office! Now!’, it was Vinod.
Meghana jumped up, straightened her jacket and was out the fdoor in a
second.
*clunk clunk clunk*
The sound woke many from slumber as others sat straighter up their chairs,
trying to look focused.
*clunk clunk clunk*
Meghana could see right through their act. ‘What a lazy bunch!’, she
thought. She saw Arup strolling down the corridor, a little ahead of her.
Taking in a deep breath, she called out to him.
’Yes Ma’am’, she turned to look at her, timid.
’Be at my cabin in twenty minutes!’, she commanded.
’Any problem with the websites?’, he ventured to mock.
An angry stare shut him up. He gulped.
’I will be there, Ma’am’.
’Phew! That was scary!’, he thought to himself as he watched her walk away.
..............................
’You must understand this is a huge risk for our company and we expect you
to deliver, Meghana’.
’Yes, Vinod, I will, most definitely’.
Meghana beamed. She was going to present her plan before the Board. She
knew what a huge step this was for her career. ‘This is my chance to prove
I can be as good as Strider’, she thought, smiling to herself.
She emerged from the Boss’ cabin looking happy and pleased with herself.
Her hurried march was now replaced by a confident stride as she crossed the
cublicles. A piece of yellow parchment caught her attention. It was stuck
on the desk of one of the employees.
’Every person is important. It doesn’t matter whether you play the violin,
the flute, the cello, or the drums, you’re still part of the orchestra.’
-Victor Hugo
Meghana stopped dead in her tracks. The words were too familiar. Could it
be?
She guided her sweaty palms to the desktop and turned the screen around to
locate the sticker bearing it’s IP address.
’No, it can’t be!’
She glanced at the name plate and almost ran to her cabin. She rushed to
the drawer and pulled out the paper.
’Oh my god!’
She collapsed in the chair, reading and re-reading the number on the slip.
’Ma’am, may I come in?’
Meghana looked up, her face a burning scarlet.
’...Arup...would you, would you mind assisting me in a project we’re taking
on?’
..............................
Impressive, Medha! Liked the way you created that aura of dominance when Meghana comes to office. (Only, half-eaten lunch-boxes in the morning?). Also the way the Strider identity gets revealed is good (I have mentioned my partiality to 'a phrase leading to the Strider identity' idea before:) )
ReplyDeleteSome points, however.
1. The tale seems to alternate between being narrated from Meghana's point of view and a third party point of view - that gives a bit of jerkiness.
2. When you mention '...unusual weakness in the goblins...' then you make the reader expect that weakness to be mentioned - and it is not.
3.Similarly, one piece of dialogue about why the CEO changed his mind abt her project would have made it better.
English: Looks to me that most errors are likely typos, since your command over the language seems good. But there are a lot of such errors.
"...their strength will be no match for ours" when you meant the opposite.
'one' instead of 'won' and 'thees' are obvious typos.
'her hair were neatly.." - it is 'her hair was..." you treat all your hair as one entity when you talk of them in the singular.
"countless many times" - either "countless" or "many" not both.
You could drop "But let us get to that later" - we actually do not get to that later :)
Thank you!
DeleteHalf-eaten lunchboxes were a thing I came across on my internship, so thought I'd include it in the picture.
Thanks a lot for pointing out the flaw with the narration. I knew something was amiss when I re-read it. I'll work on it!
The goblins, well, my imagination let me down on that one. :|
Also, can one really lie low and observe people in the MMORPG world?
Typos, typos: undesirable enemy number 1.
Actually, now I realize I should have written this story in one go- would have kept the fluency going and there would have been lesser dead-ends like that 'let's come to that later' part.
I really love how you have managed Meghana's mindset - how she keeps slipping between dreams, reality and game. Points for improvement.
ReplyDelete1. Somehow footnotes seem out of place in stories. (Unless used creatively like Barthemeus novels) So you could have somehow avoided the footnote about George Martin series and let reader discover meaning of terms within main story itself.
2.Some places you have used tell rather than show - where you describe about Meghana. Usually it is considered more sophisticated story telling to somehow reader discover and form opinions rather than telling him/her about the characters.
Thank you!
DeleteYes, I agree with letting the readers discover the characters on their own part. But that's something only skilled writers can accomplish. I hope I can get there with practice :)
Nicely done... but I will suggest you edit and make it crisper. The dialogue does come out in a smooth flow but tended to go on and on and on at times. You might think of introducing little prose descriptions that link up missing links.
ReplyDeleteArvind Passey
www.passey.info
Thanks! Yes, I do realize after reading the other entries that my work seems a bit too 'patchy'. Scope for improvement!
DeleteHi medha,
ReplyDeleteI loved the overall effort, the flipping from real to virtual world specially, but sometimes what appears to be your strength becomes your weakness, at some places I had to read the above few lines again just to understand the flow, then as Suresh sir pointed out that there is no relevance of half eaten lunch boxes in the morning..the dialogues were good.
One more deviation from the plot was that Meghana had respect for her CEO, but you changed that. I am not sure whether that counts or not.
Please take all the observation in good spirits.
regards
asteria
Thanks Asteria :)
DeleteMeghana did have esteem for her CEO, but he was not the man she idolized. So I made that little deviation to give Strider more leverage. The narration, ah, should improve with practice.
They were tall and sleek, much like any other corporate building,
ReplyDeletenothing special there.
If you are going to talk with your readers, do it on a consistent basis. I suggest reading Ivanhoe if you haven't, to help with this. No need for footnotes in the middle of your story, though I am assuming you only put it there since this is an academic exercise for a workshop.
I like the "clunk, clunk, clunk" and the Victor Hugo angle. Overall you have good grasp of the language, just need a little editing before you send in your post.
Nice, see you in the next edition.
Hmm, good point there.
DeleteThanks!
ups
ReplyDeleteExperts have already liked your post. And I am no different.
Downs
1. she complained - I think the use of complain is not appropriate here. Maybe, 'murmur' would have served the purpose.
2. a half open eye - Can you keep one eye closed and the other eye half opened? So hard when you get up in the morning, isn't it? :)
3. They were tall and sleek, much like any other corporate building,
nothing special there. - If there was nothing special, why did you take the trouble to write it?
4. five minutes back - I am kind of much against this use of 'back'. I would prefer 'ago'.
5. her hair were neatly tied - 'were' or 'was'?
6. Yes, sure - try to say these words quickly. Not easy, right? In conversations, they use either 'yeah, sure' or just 'sure'.
7. The other advantage of his profile was that... - what was the first advantage?
8. a thanks - ?
Right. Wow, that was thorough.
ReplyDelete2. a half open eye: I think it's possible. I do it everyday. But I think I should have used 'squinting' for better expression.
5. I am a little confused about the usage here. Hair was and hairs were, right?
All points duly noted. Thanks a lot for the feedback.
Hair was and hairs were is right :)
DeleteNice story Medha! I like how you've built the character sketch of Meghna. Hunterwali huh? :) Some parts of it are very believable some become a little contradictory. Like how she's shown to be demeaning but then she thanks him and gives him a smile. Or how he initially thinks of her as too high and mighty but is cheeky enough to mock her? Well, not to doubt it, but I guess such things are possible. Depends on the mood of a person I guess.
ReplyDeleteNow I have no experience of online games, but how does a character speak in a game and others have a sensory reception to it? Like the way you have mentioned, heads turned to locate - Strider had spoken? If I am playing a game, can I transfer my text typings to a character on screen who speaks it out and then the others respond? Maybe its possible, I just don’t know, I am curious.
Her black skirt fitted her form snugly but her hair were neatly tied in a bun. Why would there be a but? Both are statements that support the fact that she's a control freak. So wouldn't it be an and?