Author
: Yatin Khurana
Self
Introduction
when it comes to fiction, i rate content o'er
narration, and thus on blog-o-sphere i mostly skim read posts, but also at
times i read some fiction complete, mostly after skim reading it once, i find
it worthy another glance, or if the first para hooks me up. so, for me this
would also be a reading workshop. here i'll try to develop abstract style of
writing, and more use of pronouns than proper nouns. that's just my style, so
let's leave it...!! as per the second part of this workshop.... criticism...i
think i have a disclaimer to add " no one shall question my authority to
criticize, 'coz unless i have the option to it i will and no one must say that
the person am reffering to, is so great or so, and thus i am no one to
criticize him/her. if i have the option to share my criticism and i have spend
my resources in the concerned person, i have the very right to...! ( I
MENTIONED THIS 'COZ PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY IN MY SURROUNDINGS AND ALL,
REVERT LIKEWISE ON HEARIN' MY FEEDBACK). i would try giving a radical
justification if i am negative, but if don't, i think it shalln't be demanded.
And also yes, you are free to discard, neglect, ignore or appreciate my
feedback. i don't mind! just don't keep personal grudges, which also i think i
won't mind. i am mostly appreciative too...but just had to add a disclaimer, in
case it is needed,Caveat : Comment moderation is enabled on this blog and no-one shall challenge my authority or TF's authority to delete their comment if the tenor of their criticism is not constructive - C.Suresh.
The Story
She
was a worker. They said an enigmatic worker. She was an epitome of workmanship.
They said she was an epitome of dominance. She was a careerist. They said she
was an insolent professional. She was present as a topper at best schools/universities.
They said the best schools/universities were toppers due to her presence. She
was a great strategist. They too agreed at that.
He was an inferior to her. He
was among those they. He could not continue his studies. He was among those
deprived. He had discontinued studying to earn and support his family. He was
among those unfortunate. He though managed to get a degree while working. He
was among those opportunists. He assisted solutions to others problem. He was
among those humanitarians.
He and she frequently
interacted, but when they did it was more often over work related issues, and
during those interactions it was more plausibly a professional ones. He and she
and they were just colleagues.
She assigned her leisure time
as the work time for her strategic abilities. The best platform for the
application of strategy is a battlefield, and the best platform for a
battlefield in the present time was a virtual world, and the best platform for
the virtual world in this information age was the internet.
Her talent allotted her
leadership of a faction in the virtual world. But her incompetence with the
strider, the leader of the clan, and her faction being a part of the clan, she
managed to gather respect for him. Could she equalize her wittiness with the
striders, she couldn’t let him have an effect on him, or at least not at the
romantic floors.
This episode being exhibited
in a virtual world, the real identities were excluded from the display. And she
could not, thus help assuming the strider to be a major corporate ruler. To be
surprised was not her habit, could she help it either on the discovery of the
id of strider. It was him, officially her inferior, intellectually the
otherwise.
Lo! She concluded” official
positions seldom clashes with the intellectual ones, official hierarchies are
seldom suggestive of the intellectual ones, and seldom do luck doesn’t allow
intellectuals to be over shadowed by the lesser ones, when it comes to exercise
of the intellect, whomsoevers the intellect may be”.
And Lo! Could he conclude the
otherwise.
What you have attempted is interesting - Trying to have a distinct voice and try to use impressive language. But I feel it has not worked very strongly in this case. It might even be tough for a reader who does not know the basic plot to understand the story. I think in order for you to develop this style you are attempting, you should try ballad poetry form or telling a story through a series of 8-10 55 fictions before attempting a regular story. That will give you greater discipline to manage this kind of narrative.
ReplyDeletethis is where i suffer, i cannot convey much when i write according to my will. to make it go through the readers, they have to be either told the very plot or must comprehend me greatly so as to understand what i meant.
Deleteand maybe i was wrong i shall not use this as a workshop to improve my style, but that one which i am not at all good at. i'll try next time
It is not easy writing a story to another's plot. I liked the beginning where you have tried pitting the actual character to the perception of others.
ReplyDeleteHowever, it seems like the bones of the plot that TF had given have been re-written and, as TF points out, not too clearly. There does not seem to be a real story here. When the game conceals identities, it is not satisfactory to me to not mention how the identity got revealed.
I normally do not like to comment negatively but if I were to restrict to positives the very purpose of this exercise would be lost. I think there is a lot of improvement in English required. To give some examples - Phrases like "He assisted solutions to others problems"; sentences like "But her incompetence with the strider....."; use of words like 'wittiness' instead of 'wits' etc. are incorrect.
Even a great plot can get messed up by narration. It would be great if you could pay attention to narration as well as content. :)
i too think so !
Deletesince i don't have a habit of rereading or polishing i let mistakes stay. i'll try developing on that part too. i thought of how the identities got revealed, but since i neglected the conversations and interactions, between them and also other incidents i thought of skipping that too.
and if i would have mentioned that part, i feel since i had left everything for the reader to assume, it would have spoiled it.
but yes next i must try on working on other parts too than just re writing it.
A really nice attempt at third party or should I say a fourth party perception. But the language and the narration notwithstanding, I felt as if the original plot given by TF, was simply put through a thesaurus and presented here.
ReplyDeleteWhat I mean is, there was no "story" as such. This just seemed like the original plot improvised with a different narration.
I just wrote what I felt, and I hope you take this the right way. And I also hope I wasn't too harsh. If I was, I apologize.
Regards,
II
yeah !! i totally agree. maybe it is not even an improvised version. i didn't focused on HOW but just on WHAT happened. and added a string of related thoughts.
DeleteTo start with my analysis,Its a good attempt by you in the fiction world,especially If you are attempting to base a story on a plot created by some one else.But if I might be allowed to be crude I would just say that it lacks a little bit of flesh..I agree that the word limit is kind of restrictive but never the less that is the objective of this workshop,to nurture your creativity in a confined space.
ReplyDeleteand also I feel its more of a narration from someones daily life rather than a complete story,I mean the reader wants more.All over You have stuck to the rules which is going to be tough for unruly people like me...
I hope I was helpful enough to encourage you to improvise.
happy writing.
asteria
well if even the plot would have been mine, the narration too would have been similar, i can assure you that !
Deletebut yes! it was not a complete story, 'coz either i write flat or highly abstract. i didn't took much account of rules and word limit-i have never crossed the world limit, even if i tried too ! :-(
but yeah !! rather than developing my skills for a particular audience (which i haven't found ) i must try developing it for the general audience. the general in all counts being superior !!
and LOL yes !! you can do delete comments :D !!
ReplyDeleteSuch an interesting wordplay. Such a beautiful introduction to both the characters and also how the story was continued. But I guess, it could have been a tad bit long. :)
ReplyDelete'She concluded” official positions seldom clashes with the intellectual ones, official hierarchies are seldom suggestive of the intellectual ones, and seldom do luck doesn’t allow intellectuals to be over shadowed by the lesser ones, when it comes to exercise of the intellect, whomsoevers the intellect may be”.'
ReplyDeleteI cannot make head nor tail out of this, seems laden with grammatical errors, if I may point out.
Overall, this is a good attempt. I do love reading abstract literature.
Ups
ReplyDelete1. The start was impressive.
2. Writing with pronouns is a great idea. I read a novel where the author wrote the complete novel in pronouns. No mention of any names! It has a lot of potential I would say.
3. The usage of some phrases have come up brilliantly. Example - the otherwise.
4. The narration is excellent till the middle.
Downs
1. Incorrect use of many words. Example - agree (with sb, to sth), inferior (should only be used as an adj), unfortunate (the + adj = noun), assist (I don't think "assisting solutions" is correct), leisure (this word is a noun itself and "leisure time" is incorrect)....many more :(
2. As said earlier, the plot lost its track after the mid-point.
Rest all has already been said by the experts.
OK here goes. Note: Every point below is to be taken in the right spirit, none meant to offend the author.
ReplyDelete1. I liked the use of pronouns except when you say they said, and she was. You could have put it as her thought Versus their thoughts rather than reality versus their thoughts and the reader is left to assume that her thoughts are the reality.
2. You could sketched the post well in paras each having a He Versus She thing. But I also think that you could spiced it up a little more with dialogues or their inner conflicts/emotions. Letting the reader into their minds.
3. I was looking forward to the discovery of his identity, how she found out. That's entirely missing!
4. I had to read that conclusion three times to finally get it, its definitely good and profound, I'll admit! Though depending on the kind of book you think of writing, you might have to modify the style a little.
5. Overall, I feel good attempt at fiction, but do try dialogues and let the characters take the readers through their life rather than telling the reader about it.