Author: Ratika
Chauhan
Author Introduction: About the author-Facts
are always stranger than fiction,I say.Hello to the fellow bloggers,I am new to
the blog world,but not to writing,I write at Asteria's canvass and this is my effort
to improvise upon my writing.Hope its worth spending your time.
Story:
LANITA 1-"We are running out of crops...our
military troops are shrinking like never before,we dont have barracks and siege
engines..we will lose our village to Romans"
STRIDER-"I am aware of the fact but if we
dont balance our crops and iron we will not have anything to barter with
Toutons or Romans."
LANITA 2-"I guess we should be on the look out for Natars and their land.That should help us expand and reach Wonder Of World."
STRIDER-"We dont have enough troops to foray in their land. Lanita 1 and 2 you both look after your villages,they are the base of my clan.Make alliances with the Romans. Once we do that we can easily defeat Toutons."
What appeared
like some corporial jargon of military was indeed the hot conversation on the
thread of discussion forum of the latest rage in MMORPG,TRAVIAN.
********
The wood-paneled,heavily lit with Italian chandeliers,air-conditioned board room of NASCENT CORPORATION was buzzing with numerous expectant faces of the employees waiting for a change in their fates as the CEO of the company, Mr.Shubodeep Rathore was announcing the annual promotions.
"And for
the post of Vice-President,or shall I say my left hand,Im pleased to announce
Ms.Meghana Kapur.",boomed his voice .
Many unwilling
and frowned congratulations were thrown at her only to be greeted with a curt
nod and I-knew-it-would-be-me smile.The ever efficient,gauche, Meghana was
already planning on to her next strategy.
"Last but not the least, for the position without whom our company would crumble like cookie, the person who can blackmail all of you coz he is privy to your net activities,Head of IT dept our own,and well deserving Arup Bhattacharya."
Even Meghana's nonchalance took a break to crane her head and see who was it the crowd was cheering more than it did for her.
"Oh!I
have seen this guy...", she muttered a little too loud for her neighbour to react "He
is a darling,is'nt he?"
While the hi-fives were thrown in air,another pair of eyes were seething with rage in the farthest corner of the room,oblivious to the jovial crowd.
********
LANITA 1-"Im stuck in an impasse. My village is surrounded by Toutons."
STRIDER-"Gauls dont give up so easily!!! LANITA 2, do you have enough crops to build new troops
or make
allies with the Romans."
LANITA 2-"Affirmative, but Im short of armour and siege engines."
STRIDER-"There is a whole new land released by Natars, today LANITA 2 will employ her troops to gain the land. Once we do that we will grow crops to exchange troops from Romans, and make alliance with them.Then we will recapure LANITA 1'S village.Romans could be taken care of some other day.
LANITA 1-"sounds impossible!!!!!"
STRIDER-"Its all in the mind.!!!"
He logged out
leaving LANITA 1 of the virtual world better known as Meghana in the real
world,in awe of his strategy formulations and out-of-the-box plans.
********
"Meghana!! this is serious", barked Mr.Rathore.
"Its
only two months since you took up the post of VP,and its third time our
competitor has snatched the contract from right below our nose."
Meghana was equally perplexed with the recent glitches that were happening.Mr Rathore had already indicated his displeasure at two ocasions in not so subtle tones.Every time Meghana worked her project, her quotations were either copied with modulations or the competitors lowered their prices.
Mr.Rathore had
made it clear that "her ass was on her way out of her office if she didnt
find the fault."
Meghana's mind
was running helter-skelter to find the solution of the problem.IIM-B did not
tell how to tackle this mishap,she thought.She had put her personal life on
hold for this dream job,despite being 30 she did not want to marry.At this
crucial point some snitch wanted to shatter her dreams,no not even on her dead
body.
She summoned her
PA,the feckless and incompetent mouse for a female.
"Get me
the IT head NOW!!!!".
"Who
mam?"
"Are you
stupid? or you are doing this to irritate me even more.Whats his
name..........Arup.Call him
NOWWWW!!!!!!"
A moment later Arup walked in sheepishly only to be barked upon,
" I want to have a full account of every employees mail box for the past month,inbox,outbox,drafts...
"Sure Mam." answered Arup.
"And
yaa,one more thing I want to have a look at their personal mailbox as
well."
"Sorry Mam,that would be illegal and unethical.That is against company policy."
"You dont teach me about company policy.I can get you fired for not obeying my orders,and trust me Mr.Rathore will have no issues with that."
"Mam,I cant do this.I will open all the official accounts for you,but not personal."
"I will deal with you later Mr.Arup.You can leave."
Arup left the office a little too haughtily for a person who was shouted upon,that too for no fault of his.He was wondering what must have gone wrong for such a pretty girl to turn into a corporate monster.He had never seen her smile or even converse politely with any of her co-workers.But then she was reporting directly to the supremo.A little courtesy was expected of her but in vain.His own life hadnt been that easy he thought.He still remembered those days when he used to be the errand boy in this same office.His father's untimed paralysis had forced him to quit his studies and work.But he never lost hope and continued his work along with distance learning programmes.He shook his head of the past difficulties and reminded never to let people like Meghana get the better of him.
********
STRIDER-"Whats wrong with you LANITA 1. I
cant keep jeopardizing other villages because of your inefficiency.This is the
second time I saved your barracks today."
LANITA 1-"Im sorry STRIDER. Its just some
official nuisance bugging me."
STRIDER-"May be I can help.Tell me."
LANITA 1-"Actually since three months our
all contracts are getting sabotaged by the other companies."
STRIDER-"Have you considered net
intelligence.I mean you can always get the systems and mail boxes
checked."
LANITA 1-"Of course,but one of my junior is
just too adamant to break the company policies."
STRIDER-"I too would have refused to do it
openly.Any ways you can find World class hackers out here in Travian who will
do what you want only for a substantial amount.If you want I can drop in a
word."
LANITA 1-"Cant you do it?"
STRIDER-"I would have but I already have
some urgent official work to do."
LANITA 1-"Thank you so much.You have helped
me a great deal."
STRIDER-"Let your work be done,then thank me.And please save your village , we are very near to constructing Wonder of worlds."
STRIDER-"Let your work be done,then thank me.And please save your village , we are very near to constructing Wonder of worlds."
LANITA 1-"Its all because of your well
planned strategies."
STRIDER-"Its a team work.I have left you
few mail adresses in your inbox.Contact them ,they will do your work.I have to
log out early today,have some important work."
Meghana was
again left alone thinking about strider.He has to be a management guru,may be
even CEO.His strategies reek of corporate.And today Meghana was indebted to him
for not only he saved her in virtual world but also real world.His choleric
plan was leading to their clans victory.Now that would be a man to date ,not
those duds in her office who had no acumen for business.
********
The next day
when Arup entered the office, he could sense something negative in the air,he
could see people whispering at him.He was already bleary eyed due to a late
night,may be he was imagining things.He opened his cabin to listen to the
shrill voice of intercom.
"Hello."
"Arup,come
to my office immediately." Meghana sounded irritated.
When he entered
Meghana's cabin,there were seated all top priorities of the company,even
Mr.Rathore.
"Arup,you
have 30 minutes to clear your office,submit your laptop and get out of this
office."Mr.Rathore
said almost grinding his teeth.
"Meghana
has found some incriminating evidence showing your mail id and IP adress used
in sending sensitive information to our rivals.You are the perfect person for
it,you have access to everyones system.But I did not consider you to degrade to
the level of a rat."
For 2 minutes
Arup was stunned into the deafening silence surrounding him.
"Sir,you
have known me since the day I worked here as an office boy.You know I have
worked hard to get to this level.I wouldnt dream of ditching my own
company."
"Your
ambitions got the better of you Mr.Arup."
This time it was
Meghana's voice burning with hatred.
"Please
submit your laptop right now and leave the office premise or I would not
hesitate to call the police.I have refrained myself from doing so only on
Mr.Rathore's insistence."
Arup had no
choice but to leave.How could this happen to him.God has weird sense of right
and wrong.What would he tell his family,where would he go,which company will
employ him after such a maligned record.
********
LANITA 1-"Where the hell is strider?We are
about to win and this is the time STRIDER chooses to abscond."
LANITA 2-"We can not do this alone.We need
STRIDER to cover for us only then will we be able to capture the Roman
village."
LANITA 1-"I wonder if he has had an accident
or may be some emergency."
LANITA 2-"You have fallen for STRIDER or
what."
LANITA 1-"Nothing like that.Im just amazed
at his absence,so it must be something serious."
********
Meghana was
irked on the progression of the TRAVIAN,and the thought that she had to scan
all the mails and files on Arup's system to find the level of damage did
nothing to lessen the irritation.On reaching her cabin,first thing she did was
to switch on Arup's laptop.She had no time for damage control.
While scanning
his regular accounts she hardly found anything substantial.But then again he
was the IT head,sly enough to hide the evidence.
She had hardly
reached quarter of the files when one account flashed at her like a bolt of
lightening.The account was named Travian passwords and strategies.She
smirked,any one plays Travian now a days.Out of curiosity she opened the
account and was stunned to see the name Strider staring at her from across the
screen in bold letters.Arup was strider!!!!!No ways,how could such a sly,rat of
a person be strider. Then she saw all the recent plans which she had blindly
followed to the T.Seriously man,nothing could be said about a person now a
days.Such a harmless looking person and such a shrewd mind.What was more
puzzling for her was the fact that most of the passwords on Arup's system was
on her name,MEGHANA. For a while Meghana thought what if she made a mistake and
Arup wasnt the snitch.But then she remembered the fateful phone call from THE
HITCHIKER,hacker of the top order in the virtual world,when he told her the
mails she was looking for were send from one Arup Bhattacharya of her
office.Funny,if Arup would have known Meghana was LANITA 1,he would not dare to
help her.But thats what you get for taking short cuts in life.
The only thing
she was worried about was the fact that no one was their to lead them in
TRAVIAN.They were so close to victory and just because of this moron they would
have to start from scratch.
She had Arup's
password and his plans,may be she could play as strider and would lead their
clan,the GAULS to victory.
********
STRIDER-"I command all the village leaders to disperse and surround
the enemy in a tight circle so they wouldnt be able to escape."
LANITA 2-"LANITA 1 is missing, who will take over her village."
STRIDER-"I will,you all just take care of your village."
LANITA 2-"LANITA 1 is missing, who will take over her village."
STRIDER-"I will,you all just take care of your village."
LANITA 2-"No offence ,but thats one
dangerous move,we are endangering all our troops and at the same time. Dont you
think we should wait for LANITA 1 to return.This way we all could
vanquish."
STRIDER-"Im the strider for a reason. Just
follow what I say and in no time shall we emerge victorious."
Within few
minutes of these orders,whole of the Gaul clan was attacked and shred to
pieces,their engines and barracks looted,and the Romans emerged victorious.
********
Meghana could
not digest the fact that because of her the whole clan lost.She followed Arup's
plan still...
Anyways a new
day and she had a lot on her hands to worry about the game right now.
Hardly had she
reached her office when her blackberry started vibrating in her purse.
"Hello."
"This is
the hitchiker speaking,there has been a mistake.I might have prematurely called
you about the IP adress, actually it was a very clever fraud done and Arups IP
adress was encriminated.When I probed deeply,I found some hidden files which
told me the fraud has been committed by a Mahendra Soni."
Meghana went
pale as her mind tried to understand the significance of the words being
uttered on the other side of the phone.What had she done,blamed an innocent
person of such a heinous crime and forced him to leave the office.How could she
be so blind to overlook the fact that Mahendra who was due for a promotion as
the IT head,planned to malign Arup.She had to rectify her mistake.She called
her PA and asked her to connect to Arup's home.
"Mam,no
one is responding at his home."
"Give me
his no.I will call him.You are useless." barked Meghana.
After like 1000
rings,someone picked up the phone at Arup's home.
"Hello,this
is Meghana,Arup's senior from office.Can I talk to him."
"No beta!!" sobbed a soft ,frail ,female voice.
"No beta!!" sobbed a soft ,frail ,female voice.
"Arup
committed suicide yesterday.God knows what went wrong with my son."
and the person broke down on phone.
Very gripping account. I usually look at story from overall experience. Hopefully Suresh will give you feedback on the detailed aspect.
ReplyDeleteOne thing is you have made it interesting by bringing in a new plot element. So you have used plot rather than narrative to make it interesting.
I liked the way you have alternated the game scenes and real life scenes. But I feel game scenes have not come out all that well. I think it will seem incomprehensible for someone who doesn't know the game and wrong for someone who knows the game. Instead of writing based on limited research of existing game, you could have got a story line into the game based on an imaginary game.
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteEminently readable story, Asteria!
ReplyDeleteThe first point I had was the same as TF's! The story does not turn on Meghana's realization of the Strider identity - that part has only a passing mention - but on the realization that Arup's mail was compromised. To that extent, the story deviates strongly from the laid-out plot line. Also, Meghana's attitude towards IT people does not seem to be antagonistic at the start. ('He's a darling, isn't he? and all.) And, yes, I agree with TF that the game portion could be clearer. So, much for plot deviations.
Arup is the character who has lived through an abrupt decline in fortunes leading to his becoming an errand boy and he had the grit to claw his way up to head of IT. That this character would so suddenly commit suicide without a fight - leaving behind his old mother - is not very plausible. You should have detailed his mental state more to lend plausibility to the act.
On the English part : Having read your other posts, I am surprised at the number of errors in this one. Must have been written in a hurry. Too many to mention but just a sample - "corporial jargon"?; 'buzzing with numerous expectant faces' - buzzing should be used for sounds not sights; 'Meghana's nonchalance took a break to crane her head' should have been '...a break and she craned her head.."; etc. I am sorry they are too numerous to mention in this piece.
Yeah this one is written in haste...:) points noted for the next time.Well the fact that Meghana has to be antagonistic towards IT people was not mentioned in the plot so I did not lay emphasis on this one.Yes she is snobbish in general and Arup was just one of the recipient.I wanted to elaborate the game scenes,but I have not had the pleasure of playing one myself and hence the gaps.But next time I will research well in advance and then write...I also wanted to elaborate Arup's condition post being fired but then the story was stretching too far and I was afraid of deviating from the main plot a little too much.
Delete"he's a darling ,.." is uttered by the person standing next to Meghana,may be i wasnt clear enough on that one.Ill try to improve next time.
A bit of that is my bad as well! At the plot discussion stage with TF, this 'looking down on IT guys' portion was there and, indeed, that 'reevaluation of her assessment' etc. stems in part from this. I failed to remember that it was not mentioned in so many words in the final plot given.
DeleteThe moment you shifted to Arup's suicide on account of being falsely accused and when you passed over the revelation of the Strider identity as not even a contributory factor to Meghana's change in attitude towards Arup, you had deviated from the plot line Asteria! So, you might as well have explored Arup's mind-set and made your story as it was stronger!
Yeah...I did,didnt I.
Deletenext time I hope not to make such mistakes.
Please note: Everything below to be taken in the right spirit.
ReplyDeleteHI Asteria, Firstly the whole story was pretty engrossing. I liked how the whole scenario unfolded about Arup's email and his getting fired, and the actual hacker turning out to be someone else. I personally skipped over a little of those gaming details - they might have been done well, don't get my wrong, but as I don't have much experience or passion for gaming, I couldn't relate to it much. I simply read the rest of the story. Standalone, the story would have been great in itself. But as to sticking to a plot, I have to agree with CS, the whole part about email being hacked, his getting fired and his suicide suddenly became the main plot and Meghna's change in attitude was sidestepped. An important change you need to make in your writing is after every full stop (period) and comma, you need a space. Only then the next word should start.
Also, would we be discussing real life problems with online identities? Maybe some would.
Hey deepa, thanks for reading.and i will consider all that you mentioned.i know its nt an excuse but this story has been written amidst base shifting.so practically i had no time to polish dis one, also i was worried bout crossing d word limit. Never the less im hoping 2 improvise further.thanks for the observations.
DeleteI am amazed at the way it has been penned. I can see a great writer emerging.
ReplyDeleteMy best wishes.
Pramod sir,
Deletethanks a lot.
regards,
asteria
Good story there! Plot deviations aside, the tale was gripping, especially the part with Arup getting fired. But, when I was reading the plot, I pictured Strider as the clever, dependable kind of guy- not the type to commit suicide. Nevertheless, you could have accommodated that by providing more insight into his emotional state.
ReplyDeleteHey medha,
DeleteThnx 4 the observations, i wanted 2 elaborate the mindset of arup, citing that sometimes people who appear to be strong have had enough in life driving them to end their life. But i didnt hv time to proofread it and expand. Hope to do that in next edition.
Regards.
"The wood-paneled,heavily lit with Italian chandeliers,air-conditioned board room of NASCENT CORPORATION was buzzing with numerous expectant faces of the employees waiting for a change in their fates as the CEO of the company, Mr.Shubodeep Rathore was announcing the annual promotions."
ReplyDeleteI struggled with this problem for a long time. Do you see all the commas in that paragraph? This is a pointer to a writer who is on fire with a story firing in his/her head on all cylinders and rushing to get it down on paper or screen. However, when you prepare the second, third and final drafts those commas must disappear and be replaced by periods.
An opening para, and indeed your first page, has to be lucid to grab the reader's attention. People can't read at the speed you think.
Apart from that, I can see that you are very good with plots. While there could have been better proof-reading, I don't find fundamental flaws in the language employed. I am pretty sure this is not your best piece, and am confident that you are a far far better writer than is on display here. Maybe in the next round you will get more time to work on your submission :)
Sandy.
Deletethanks a lot for all the pointers, When I read the story out here I myself wanted to take it down the board, rectify it or may be let the draft sit for further reading and then post it, but then that is the purpose of this workshop.
Im looking forward to getting rid of these flaws, may be not completely and not so fast, but soon.
thanks again.